haiz..

Already feeling kinda depressed already.. now its adding on to it. haiz. Thank God tt i manage to complete one of the assignment programming. Jus felt its so unfair. Being play out by one of the team mate. IN the end still i am the one doing it. sickening.. really feel like screaming at him n kick him out of the team n let him learn a tough lesson. Tomolo have to complete the assignment.. presentation on thursay. Dear Lord really need help.. feelin very tired.. n drain out.. teach me Lord to trust in Yer strength n provision.. for Yer ways are higher then mine n You have plans for me to prosper. Draw me closer to You.. teach me to be humble n forgiving as well. indeed Lord... change me.. Amen

Decent dinner..

well finally.... a decent dinner.. miss th carrot cake thinggy. so decided to work it out with macronic instead.. cooked it like the way the fried carrot cake it done.. well as a experiment its turn out to be quite edible.. still. manage to let out some frustrations n feelings.. look ard.. cant find it aye.. its not suppose to be seen haha. am i really feeling happy?

anyway being sick is not fun at all. miss care grp n church service today.. haiz. i should be ashamed of myself... jus last wk..i saw a lady in QUT. She born without both upper limbs.. she talks on the mobile by holding it with her feet. She living life as normal.. moving on.. i shouldnt really complain too much abt my sickness. while there are others much worse then me.. Should jus continue to live a life tt honours God.. instead. gotta press on.. There is a purpose n reason why i am with this sickness. Believe the day will come where there will be no sickness, pain, etc.. Gotta wrk harder now.. till the day come..

Total Make over!

yESH. the make over finally came.. n its completed.. definitely look more neater n nicer. Tts my room make over.. spend few hrs..clearing up the place.. trasnfering n shifting stuff.. table, bed n cupboard..while at least it is now more.. clean n spacious compare to the day i first came in. The present i got frm the make over seems to be a flu.. been squeezing non stop.. feeling drowsy as well. with the room more ventilated.. its better but somehow jus caught the flu out of sudden.

Yup.. finally sorted my budget for the two yrs here.. deducting all the rental, phone, sch feels some other stuff.. i am left with ard 2-5 dollars a day. abt 14-35 dollars for a wk of all expenses tt might be incurred, like travelling, snacks, groceries, necessities.. To be more realistic.. it should be abt 21 p/w. Settin aside some for emergency.. its not going to be easy but God is in control of everything.. yup. jus hope n prayin tt my family side is okay.. Time to rest myself.. yupz..

Awake..

Still awake.. by rite should be sleeping. Well.. one good thing to be happy abt.. since i came over here.. i have been able to sleep well.. guess i am too tired.. to keep awake. Slowly lettin things go its way.. following the flow. Stars are jus so beautiful to look at.. brings back many memories of both good n bad. I need to recharge.. been pushin my body far too hard in terms of physical.. loosing weight again.. now pants seems to be lot lose.

How am i feeling now. i cant really say or explain.. its jus tt. lotsa of words.. i should have say but didnt cone out at all. time to sleep away n stack the words away to some corner.. needless to specify wat will happened... hmm..

To You

Here I stand
Forever in Your mighty hand
Living with Your promise
Written on my heart

I am Yours
Surrendered wholly to You
You set me in Your family
Calling me Your own

Now I,
I belong to You
All I need
Your Spirit,
Your word
Your truth
Hear my cry
My deep desireTo know You more

In Your name
I will lift my hands
To the King
This anthem of praise I bring

Heaven knows
I long to love You
With all I am
I belong to You

---------------------------------------
Song by Darlene Zschech

Indeed a great n powerful song. Reminds me of God's love.... the sacrifice.. thank God

Watsup now..

Jus got a new deal for a new bike.. just wish i could sell my old bike away asap... Am i feeling happy or am i feeling sad.. dun really know exactly.. sometimes it jus a thin line of difference.. but happy n sad are two diff. things.. where am i standin exactly..

Things seems to be inclining towards tt direction.. tryin hard not to dwell too much on it.. maybe it doesnt mean matter at all.. doesnt make any diff. Simply. jus take it out.. put into a box.. n sealed.. buried into the depths.. where it will not be touched, seen or be heard maybe for eternity.

Tired and painful..

Had a exhaustive day.. some more yesterday, went for badminton.. before tt was cycling.. ard. Was suppose to be playin badminton.. but see a volleyball.. haha.. well starting playin with it alone. it been such along time since i actually touch n hit a volleyball.. feeling is so nice n good. after a while, some pple join in jus have some fun digging ard.. after a while continue playing badminton.. as usual i am thrashed.. some how i jus cant seem to be able to play badminton.. but still learning.. after changing over.. continue with playin with the volleyball.. by the end of the sport session.. both my legs r painful, cramming soon. find it hard to walk, sit down couldnt really stand up.. sound stupid.. the best thing i still have to cycle home.. its was the one of the most painful n cycling trip i had..

Suddenly realise it was my dad bday.. so have to qiong all the way.. which makes my legs more tired.. n jelly. Really thk God tt i was able to reach home safely n after tt immediately went out to the strts to call my dad.. COuld hear tt they are happy to hear my voice n talk to me.. i sure miss them alot.. alot.. well i got updates n things sure are gettin better at home.. thk God.. yupz..

Hanging still

hang in there still.. been quite sometime i cried.. i cried again.. News the really hurt n worries me. Looking at my parents.. how tired n aged they have become since i last saw them. It hurts alot.. feeling sad, no one i can turn to.. its jus God i can turn to now.. was hoping to be able to talk to someone.. but no one seems to be ard.. i dunno. Suddenly feel so alone over here. I miss my frens.. family over in sg.. esp those whom i treasured in my heart.

sometimes it jus seems so tough.. being on my own over here. Wish close frens are here as well. thought being attached sometimes do pop into my mind.. still tryin hard not to get involve.. now. certainly not ready yet. My fren has got himself a gf.. fact is tt he already has one in sg.. its like haiz.. world is going down... n down.. hang in there pls.. hav to turn to God for strength n wisdom.. indeed.

Song by Hoobastank

i'm not a perfect person.
There are many things i wish i didnt do but i continue learning.
I never meant to do those things to you and so i have to say before i go,
that i just want you to know
I've found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that i hurt, its something
I must live with everyday and all the pain i put you through,
I wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears,
thats why i need you to hear i'm not a perfect person,
I never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that

i just want you to know i've found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me
you didnt know a reason for all that i do,
and the reason is you

---------------------------------

nothing to much to say abt... its a nice song. Cant remember the title of the show.. as well. Wanted to watch it when its out in sg.. tv but somehow i didnt manage to catch it.. =}

Rescue part 2

God really do it in a wonderful way.. it really shows how powerful, almighty He is.. all knowing, loving Father. Close shave happen how many times?? Sunday, evening time, when i was opening the gate to the hse.. "bang" got a shock... a rugby ball fly out n hit the fence near to me.. if the ball were to hit me.. i would be death or badly injure... couple of days back.. the bicycle incident.. yesterday... cycling back home.. on seeing they arent any cars coming so i decided to cross the small junction. only then i realise i was on top of a slope. so of cos i cant see any car coming.. i cycle halfway across the junction.. the bicycle.. failed.. no matter how hard i pedal.. it wouldnt move.. it wasnt chain drop.. some how it jus refused to move.. rite at this moment, a car appeared. i was panicking.. i pedal furiously to get it going.. suddenly it work n i was on the pavement... even if the car were to slow down.. i will still be hit.. cos the driver wouldnt be able to see me.. until he reach the top.. thank God.. Simply says one thing.. everything is in God's control.. have to trust in Him.. indeed. Jus fixed up my bicycle.. now the back brakes are working well.. gear is now more stable.. =)

Rescue

You are the source of the life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you
I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

***This song IS copywrited! its by Desperation***

indeed Lord, rescue me.. you are all that i need.. bring me closer to you, Lord. Broken lives, broken hearts, pain, stress, pressure.. all i bring to you. Indeed, where else can i go but to you, the One and only God.

Today..

Attended Hope Brisbane Church the 2nd time this time.. more open n able to worship God better. Charismatic church n kinda different from gefc. Had a enjoyable time.. more refreshed.. n more awake.. but still i dunno how i manage to enter the female toilet.. when it kinda obvious. thank God there wasnt anyone inside. Well. different angle.. the sign jus look so diff. hmmm.

now sitting here.. typin this, startin to miss pple again. Jus alone.. feeling abit cold.. actually i dunno how i feel exactly.. I should be happy God is still accompanying me still. Somehow the day i knew i was flyin off. Already knew tt some things will be lost n never be retrieve again.. things will be so different.. n its so frightening. Cant even fore see wat will happen exactly.. Then again things will be lost but also things will be gain in the process of it.. growing up process i guess. At times.. its saddening to think abt it.

Everyday esp during walkin home or to sch.. look ard.. jus feel so foreign in this place. So big.. so vast.. everything so diff. feel so small in this place.. Even as the wind blows.. thoughts of good times n bad times come back.. frens.. n family no ard.. being fully independent.. being throw into this big world fighting for survival. Sometimes jus wish tt i could understand my feeling better. nonetheless i still have God.. who is always faithful... n ever caring. Have decided to keep some words hidden inside my heart.. stash it away somewhere.. even thought i really wish i could jus say it out.. Probably once stash away.. it will never come out again. Its simply jus like giving up things.. at least still have God who truely knew my heart.. n how i feel exactly..

Alone..

Well.. had a chat with kelvin.. couple of days back.. he mention abt being lonely over here.. surviving on our own.. At least i arent so bad.. i thought so.. haha. Now startin to feel it.. same feelin i had when i step pass the gates.. had so many words hidden deep inside my heart.. jus simply wish i could jus say them all out.. somehow i chose not to. probably end up cryin on the spot. haiz...

Now weather is gettin colder.. far away frm home.. miss e family n frens' feeling. So far away.. Jus hope i could be able to spend more time with Uncle SP n family.. the feeling so nice.. warm family feeling.. the laughter, love, warmth, togetherness. Dun want to trouble them so much.. no matter how.. i still a outsider. almost had a bad accident.. could be fatal i guess. Riding on my bicycle.. travellin very fast down the steep slope.. simply slipped my mind.. tt down the road there are two trees on each side.. the road was enough only for a single car to pass thru... as i saw the tree i simply jus shifted to one side.. but the impt thing was tt surrounding the tree area was a pavement extension..

Tried slowing down but its was too late. hit n went up the pavement at a great speed.. for a moment my bike was in the air.. realise a car by heading in my direction.. quite near as well.. the next moment i thought tt it.. my bike landed.. to my surprise the bike didnt skid n fall to a side.. but instead it landed with a great impact. maange to stablise it.. the car went pass it.. at the same time.. thought its over.. realise the back brake of my bike had become very loose.. upon the impact.. no matter how hard i try to squeeze it, no effect at all.. i used the front brakes.. but due to the speed.. brakes cant really work as effective. but by God's grace... i manage to stop the bike before hitting a tree in front of me.. yupz.. time to sleep also.. rest ba..

Groceries//

haiz.. headache.. looking for foodstuff can never be so tedious. Where to get cheap fresh food.. wats easy to cook.. wats the next meal be like.. will i be able to reach to the shop in time? so many to ponder upon. Been cookin decent meals.. (same everyday).. hmm. cant believe i actually cant differentiate glutinous rice n plain rice.. bought glut rice instead.. end up havin to eat it for the wk.. sticky.. tough to convert it into fried rice.. well wat to do..

Jus now.. always collided into a tree.. cant see.. in the dark clearly... well thank God everything was fine.. jus tt the brakes of the bike need to be tightenend.. for a moment i thought tt it.. somemore e road on tt part is only for one car to pass. then there was a one car approaching my directon. getting colder each nite.. time to sleep liaoz.. late..

Valentine Poem (original 1st draft)

Wonderful & Marvelous creations of God
Ever loving, ever caring, ever gentle
Carrying a smile that warms our hearts
With beautiful and angelic voices praising the Lord
Making songs soothing and wonderful to the ears
Always filling the place with joy and laugther
Making the place warm and homely

With faithfulness serving the Lord
Providing support and help in many areas
Be it on the front or behind scenes
Always serving with humbleness and a cheerful heart
Thanks for the wonderful, delicious home made food
Thanks for travelling with us in this life journey
Thanks for the concern, encouragement and support
Thank God for putting such wonderful sister in our life
Last but not least, Happy Valentine's Day!

Shopping spree....

Walk n walk n walk n walk.. been walking ard since morning.. wat a way to exercise.. under the hot n burning sun.. practically drained now... All the walking becos i went on a shopping spree.. well its not the kind where u buy wat u like. but instead it is buyin all the bare essentials.. cooking stuff, house hold stuff.. really can kill. Prices here are like sky high.. so hard to find cheap stuff to buy. Nites n evening n early morning is gettin colder now.. brrrrr.

Also thank God for His provision n guidance. Richard really help me alot today.. thank God for him.. carryin stuff n walkling with me.. bringing me ard to diff places to get stuff. As well as givin me lotsa of advice. Also settled down liaoz.. still left couple of stuff. yet to be bought. once done. shouldnt be a problem.

Still miss lotsa of pple.. esp those close.. n all my loved ones.. as well. haiz.. feelin will be there, have to remember wat i came here for.. maybe it times to sleep... *Yawnz....*

Really wonder...

Is it better to jus speak out the things inside.. n let it be known or better to keep quiet abt it. Something tt the other person will never hear or get to know abt it. Such things always stun... no idea on whether is it better either way.Would it have make any difference if its been say out??

In my new home... meet couple of pple ard... really nice pple over here.. Got to know a guy richard, frm sg as well.. gave me lotsa of advice on living n gettin cheap stuff. Talk abt finding soul mate over here in Oz... haha.. Quite interesting both of us agreed tt now ladies in sg are gettin more materalistic.. imagine looking at newspapers sg guys have to go overseas.. to find a soul mate.. The C's ladies are after.. as well.. Well... regarding the issue of gettin attached.. put it simple.. let nature take its cse.. God allows n leads me.. well i might find one.. the same old question still bugs me alot..

Gettin late... lectures started. hard to understand the lecture.. really need lotsa of researxh to be done on my own.. gotta continue to trust in the Lord's provision n guidance. yupz.. should get some sleep liaoz.. tomolo will be a long long day. As well as super busy..

Orientation..

HMmm, orientation gettin me on my nerves.. spread over the wks.. now whole body aching like no body business.. back bone hurtin again. Going thru all the programs.. like wah.. siong n tiring.. plus all the walkin ard. Sun is still strong as it is.. sunburnt even after using the strongest sun block.

Today went to Uncle SP hse again.. had dinner with them.. manage to pass the stuff to danielle. well at least its given to her liaoz. Really thk God for this family, they been helping me alot. Offerin help in hse shifting, inviting me over to their hse for dinner n even tis sat a fishing trip. Also feel bit paiseh keep approachin them. Yes, the thing tt happened.. hmm. trains.. haiz. thought all trains have automated doors i was wrong.. coming home frm sunnybank.. waited in the cool nite finally it came.. stopped.. I was stupidly standing there waitin for the doors to open. it didnt. the person in charge there also nvr tell me.. wah.. best is the train move off left me standing there blur.

Talk to the person in charge, then realise tt the train door needs to be open by ourselves not like those in overseas. Haiz.. waited for another 20 mins in the cool nitez which has become abit too cold for me. Well lesson learnt. will not repeat it e 2nd time hhaah.. Tomolo will be rent day again.. jus hope i can sort things out with David. I really hope i can get all my bond back. 240. Jus need to confirm wat time n date i mus stay till before i can get my bond back. also pray hard tt it will be smooth n easy.. with no problems or anything. Gettin late n feelin tired as well. time to sleep. liaoz.. =)

Ice cappucino...

Days went by so fast.. next starting lessons.. already.. going to shift hse soon also... wah.. An ice cappucino on a hot day and tired day.. such a enjoyment.. somehow didnt seems strong enouf to keep me awake. Things seems to be settling down.. well. the acid test comes next wk. Feel like workin part time. should i?? Today is really sweaty n tiring day... rush here n there.. jus to get things done.. gettin a permanent phone line also so jialat.. waited for hr plus.. to the extent of falling asleep on the chair.. cant believe it.

Ladies is so hard to understand at times.. or is it jus me.. DUn even know how to ask n find out wat happened... one moment frenly then the next moment very hostile.. did i do something wrong.. maybe i did.. SHowing concern as a fren also seems so hard.. haiz..

Feelings, emotions.

Would it be better to say out wat my feelings are... i really dunno.. Really wanted to jus let her noe.. tt i could feel how wat she going thru at e moment.. to a certain extent.. but would it be worst or understandable.. I dunno.. my typin in words seems very harsh.. but tt isnt wat i want it to be.. jus dunno how.. to write it out.. It really hurts alot.. i really does..

Wish i had done.. better. Insensitive person i am.... jus hope i didnt make matters worst at tis pt of time.. its time to sleep liao.. but would i be able to sleep... worries are still there as well as the hurt n pain..

ahhhh..

Finally get to know wat had happen.. still very worried for her.. basically she is better... wonderin if my words are too harsh.. when i didnt mean to be.. haiz.. will continue to pray for her n the person involve.. jus hope tt she is not angry with me..

Wat have i done.. wat have i done.. wat have i done.. ???

well.. today is over liaoz.. things cant get any better i guess.. dun think tonite can sleep well again. Tomolo meeting with Grace is cancelled.. well its not the end of the world.. The big thing is something serious seems to have happened. Basically she alrite.. but somehow its involves other pple as well.. Very worried.. for her.. she seems very badly affected by the incident.. still dunno wat exactly happened..

Really pray tt she will remain strong n be able to pull thru.. trusting in the Lord.. Leavin for msia on friday.. with tis matter in mind.. find it hard.. worrying.. still. Other things in my mind as well.. so fast coming is 13th feb. I dunno how am i feeling.. Bought a bk by joshua harris.. part 2.. hope my question can be answered.. "selfish" question.. Other things as well... kept inside.. dun know whether can mentioned or jus stored hmmm.. possible tt bnol?? DMOL.. feeling quite down.. worries, worries, worries..

Feeling very sad.. n down.. y i wonder. The big "WHY". Maybe its becos of tt.... probably.. i guess.... haiz..

visits...

Today, went back to my camp to visit colleages n frens.. Been a long time since i step into mindef again.. the fun n better times flooded into my mind.. like i said.. would miss the pple n place.. but not the work there.. its nice to be able to see them again. Not much hav change.. only thing is tt many pple r ording liaoz.. finally their time have come.. still there are those.. who jus enter not long.. well they should be thankful tt its been cut short..

had a short chat with one of my officers.. he mention tt catch up with frens.. now.. cause going over there.. things will change.. probably lost contact with lotsa of pple.. everyone has moved on.. so much changes.. moment u are back. U feel like a total stranger... totally blur.. feelin is like u are intruding into other pple privacy like tt. then everything will be back from scratch again... dunno will see.. when the time comes. =)

Some Happier Moments

Isn't it like a dream.... thought of going overseas to study.. Nvr really thought it will happen.. been thinking abt it... quite long back.. in the end jus push it to one side.. (something tt will nvr happen). Looking now... its so near... the dream coming thru.. remember the song.. "leaving on a jet plane"

I'm leaving on a jet plane..
dunno when i'll be back again...

sounds real.. haha. in a dream state now.. yesterday couldnt sleep.. now stoned.. haha. tonite.. another nite of sleepless?? Wait n see. =)

Painful.....

Got so much things to write huh.. haiz. Yesterday eveyrthing was fine. when reach home... suddenly condition seems flaring up.. but didnt realise it. Hungry so went down with bro for supper.. things really got bad after tt.. couldnt sleep for the whole nite.. wat happen did i eat something wrong or ?? i jus cant understand. It happened so quickly... whole nite was so uncomfortable.. itch unbearable.. today.. haiz.. gettin stares frm pple am i a exhibit?? failin in my project.. now tryin to salvage the situation. Dun have the skill, n equipment tts y.. haiz..

Its was a very painful bathe, the wounds hurt... e pain was unbearable to the pt. where tears start to flow... Jus cant help but wonder when will tis stop.. Could see the hurt, frustrations in my parents... becos of my sickness. Somehow its seems like i am a mental burden to them.... becos of my condition.. mom refuse to let me help her in hse chores... now. Somehow feel so useless, everything cannot do.. only sit ard.. do mu stuff, watch mom toil.. She's already comin to 50.. If only this illness of my can be cured.. No one in the family suffers frm it.. jus me, freak case... practically everyday is a painful day..

The pain that often frustrates...
To the point of extremes at times...
Complaints, anger and irritation....
Release come in form of many...
To questioning God....
Even to cursing God at times...
But who has felt the pain...
Of the One who was hang on the cross...
For the all our sins...
The thing He say was "Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."

Memories..

Was packing to my stuff.. tis morning.. rummaging thru the letters... wah.. i got one box full of them.. somehow have to clear up. Brings back lotsa of memory.. of pri n sch.. interest.. seems like my pri memories are much sweeter n better then sec. Hmmm seems like sec sch is troubled yrs.. regrets, hurts, pain, fun, joy.. pple say sec yrs are the best.. maybe. Not much good memories it seems.. more like hurting other pple.. haiz. its over liaoz.. sometimes jus wish i could make amends to what had happen...

Something which has been in my heart for a long time.. one of regrets in my life. If only time can be turn back.. had a auntie, i was yer favourite. She would bring me ard.. buy things for me.. play n keep me company.. Its then news tt she was suffering frm cancer reach my ears.. young i was didnt realise the seriousness of e matter. Frm then seldom get to see her. as she was in malaysia for treatment. When she back in sg, didnt reallly bother to visit her. One day.. was havin slight fever.. parents say they going to visit her.. but i didnt giving the excuse tt i was tired.. fact is tt i already recover jus wanted to stay at home n do my own stuff. I really regret doing tt.. next time rd news came she passed away..

I was totally shock at the news.. i didnt get to see her the last time... my auntie wanted to see me.. but i jus didnt care.. if only i had went tt day.. if only. No words to describe wats inside.. i still feel it till now.. haiz. shall stop here, dunno whether will start cryin or not.. if continue..

Rush hr...

Y rush hr.. look now its already 25th.. liaoz.. how many more days to go.. ?? 20 more to go.. including today.. minus the time i wont be in sg.. its 13 more... time zooms so fast. Wat are the feelings inside me.. i really dunno how exactly i feel. But the feeling is already almost at my door step. Now is really a rush... for me. tomolo.. need to start clearin my closet up.. for cny n studies, hs moving.. all in a short. the project.. hope i can finish it up.. really turning to God for help in tis.. really want to complete it.. something which i really wish to complete...

Leaving for malaysia next wk.. somehow jus wish i could jus stay in sg.. for cny tis year. haiz.. i dunno, startin to feel sad.. as the day draws nearer.. n excited as well.. such a rojak feeling.

TUESDAY WITH MORRIE...

Something tt capture me.. didnt really look closely at it.. well.. somehow jus read the chap. again.. then saw it. Below are the words:

"Morrie approach was exactly opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It wont hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "alright, it's just fear, I dont have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."

In some ways, its better then numbing myself, lettin it run through, definitely will know wat it is for.. but in the end.. upon realising it.. do watever its needed.. n move on, its definitely not rite to be stuck there all the time.. move on..

another part.. tt comes before the above one..

"How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we dont let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we dont say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship."

Doesnt the above sounds familiar to a certain extent.. it does. Guys how often do we cry.. or to the pt of cryin but somehow we jus dont let tears come at all.. pride.. rather bleed then cry.. i really wonder who come out with tis.. even we guys need a time to cry.. but not openly where no one knows..

Relationships.. the words tt doesnt come out at all. So much push away.. n stack upon one another in the corner somewhere inside... wats its all abt.. unable to say out the words.. selfish, no confidence, or simply fear of rejection or to the pt of losing a frenship... so many possible ans. Everyone face it too (male, female). yupz... mind is full of stuff.. -_-"" does it really get lighter wheni write more stuff out.. haha.. i wonder..??

sat nitez dream...

sat nitez.. have this very strange dream. Quite a emotional nite for me.. dunno how many nitez.. barely sleep.. even after taking pills tt will cause drowsiness. Back to the dream...

Scene on a train....
Its a train to heaven... with some frens... was on the train moving towards the destination.. Excited with the fact to be able to see God.. somehow was wondering if tis was the end.. wat abt the rest of my bro and sis... so will i stay uo there permanently.. these kind of thoughts jus run through..

Finally reach there liaoz.. went in search for God.... Well.. it turn out to be like a tea session with God.. after a while manage to reach e place.. suddenly i was holding a very thick book.. dunno where it came from.. somehow it never dawn on me to drop or put e book away.. i saw a middle age lady. immediately, i run up to her n sit down.. on a chair available. "weizhi??" come with a surprise look on the lady face.. "How could you have time to have tea with God..?" "You still holdin the thick book refusing to put it away.." "Go finish e book first?" Rite at the moment i was stunned n wanted to open my mouth.. the lady said these words with sadness "You are always so busy with stuff, no time for God..." "Jus no time for Him".. The next moment tears start to fall.. i jus simply cried.. Its was so real...

It simply speak for itself.. wat is happening. This is a first time i had such a dream.. it seems like a awakening call to me.. yupz..

Pressin on still..

Pressing on still.. hope i will perserve on.. Today, seems like e test come almost immediately.. after late last nite.. i mention i didnt want to numb myself. Given this opportunity.. all i know is lettin it run thru.. is really painful feeling, still running its course. still holding on to God... in tis area.. Press on... hope i wont dwell on the thoughts again... wish it will just disappear. Its a stupid thing.. for me to do... jia you ba..

The pain....

Dear Lord, u are all knowing God.. everloving Father.... You jus know n see everything in my heart.. everything.. Lord, everything.... Lord u know the pain tt is inside my heart.. the cause of it, y do i feel this way... the way i am.. the way i behave... You know it.. Lord, i commit the pain in my heart.. into your hands.. the pain that tears me apart.. tt cause me to cry... to fall apart..

Lord, i really dun want to numb myself anymore.. instead enable me to let it run thru.. n not push it away n hide in my heart again Lord.. if i numb myself.. the likely hood of me numbing to u is also very high. Lord, teach me to turn to you.. in times of good n bad..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Father, i can't explain this kind of love, this kind of grace..
I know...I still break your heart and yet You run to welcome me.."

"Father, i love the way You hold me close and said my name..
I know.. when my life is through, my heart will find its home in you"

You have always been faithful, now n forever...

"Certain as the river reach the sea....
Certain as the sun rise in the east...
I can rest in your faithfulness..
Surer than a mother's tender love
Surer than the stars that still shine above..."

Indeed Lord, surely you deserve all our utmost attention, praise, gratitude as well.. but someone i dun seem to be able to do it.. but yet u remain faithful, believing in me.. protecting me, giving me chance after chance.. I am sorry Lord, i am really sorry for all tt i have done.. all the pain tt i have cause to You to feel n go through each time i disobey u.. i am sorry.. Lord.

Wars in life..

Got so much things stuff up there.. but couldnt put it out in words... warfare.. alots of it.. spiritual, physical, mental, emotional.... Everyday is a battle for me.. esp spiritual.. wonder how many times i hav been whack off my feet n fallen so badly.. tt i almost couldnt climb up again.. Couldnt help but think abt wat would happen to my walk with God when i go over there.... in a way alone. No christian buddies, frens ard to physically encourage n travel with me.. Yes.. findin a sound church n grps is a way.. but process of findin one to settle down is hard.. esp when i am in a foreign land.. so i gonna end up running away.. forsaking God in due time?? Its a frightening cause to worry abt..

There something which again i have forgotten.. He knows me, my worries, everything... everything... Today was at the departure briefing.. sitting there talkin to my dad. Suddenly a lady jus sit infront n talk to me. I was shocked n surprise when someone suddenly jus appear out of no where n without realising anything she already infront talkin to me.. :P super blurred look.. after a while realise she was one of the helpers for the briefing n was jus checking out some stuff. Guess wat... she mention she is frm a christian grp helping new students in gettin info n help when over there. God answered my fears.. He has already prepared some contacts.. Its really amazing how God works..

Had a talk with Andy on sun.. during the pot luck.. was asking him how he knows abt calling n stuff.. is it like it drop frm the sky into his mind or in some other way?? he mention tt it requires a person to really walk closely with the Master.. jus a shepherd knows his sheep n the sheep knows the shepherd's voice. Constant n close walk with God.. to the extent the when He calls you will definitely know it.. n start to prepare n gettin confirmation n stuff. It time to pick myself up n prepare for war again.. n not give up n desert halfway..

kitchen warfare

haiz.. e mention of tis really rise my blood pressure. Everytime cook dinner is like fighting a war with the food, woks, pots, pans.... chaotic situation.. yesterday tried.. the macaroni thinggy.. seems like make alot of mistakes throughout.. haiz..is it the size is too big or wat.. =( well, thk God tt food is still edible. Thinking of this.. jus wonder should i be doin the food tomolo. CHeck with bun whether theres lotsa of food.. but he did mention anything but jus say .. jus come, no need to bring food.. hmmm guess it could be a hint.. pls spare our stomach of yer cooking. untrained, no exp. , its like asking them to be guinea pigs..

Yestrday took a total of 3 hrs to do the thing.. be rite should be quite fast but along the way, many things crop up.. then thinking of a way to salvage the food.. well..prayed over it.. God answered my prayer.. no food is wasted... dunno leh. if tomolo really were to do the thing, will e same situation happen again.. more afraid tt its not nice to eat.. then nobody eat.. food gonna be wasted liaoz.. haiz.. should i or should i not??

Think i am falling sick.. feeling very tired. my tonsil seems swollen.. talkin also like no strength at all. haiz.. yesterday nite barely sleep again.. isit becos of worries n other stuff? I really dunno.. everything seem so unclear.. wats causing my sleepless nitez. Lookin at things, the way they are... or in a different perspective.. sometimes, its seem like knowing wat is going on.. but somehow hope its not that way. Dunno how to confirm wat happening.. if its really tt way how am i going to deal with it... headachez.. ahhh.. really coming liaoz..

Jus wish i hav a better way of tackling n handling problems. Learning i am.. but somethings thoughts n emotions drive me to the point of breaking down. My emotions, others, everything jus pile up suddenly, rush of stuff fillin up the mind. Sometimes i wonder do i know wat am i asking for n wat would it be like when i decided to pray for it. Remember theres a sayin. "Why pray for rainy days, if you are going complain abt them" But somehow i dun regret prayin for it.. i might complain time to time though. Jus hav to be more prepare the next time... i guess.

Love of Our Father

Valentine's Day....
A day jus for couples
A day of dread for singles
All the buzz, hype going on

Have we miss out someone
One who has shown love to us
Whose ever faithful, ever loving
Even before we were born

He is none other then God
Always looking out for us
Always forgiving, patient
Always waiting for us to go back to Him

Greatest love shown by God
Day where Christ was born
Bright hope for all people
Bright light for all in the darkness

Day where Christ was nailed
Forgiveness, cleansing came
The pain, suffering
All becos of His love for us

--------------------------------

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.

Realise only this now, lotsa of time feel very sicknening n like everywhere is couples.. but now i can celebrate valentine day with God. He truely commited n love me alot. Thank you God!

Signz...

last nite.. also dunno wat happen... Throat was irritated n flu came.. feel very sick n cant really sleep. End up eatin clarinase.. it help.. sleep like a pig till 11+ am. been so long since i could be able to sleep again.. but not too happy.. now havin a bad headache.. one side heavy then the other.. how could it be... strange rite but fact is it feels tis way..

Body goin into tired mode.. but sometimes it jus seems so hard to sleep.. so many thoughts, reasons, compilation of everything. Worries maybe a big part... sometimes suddenly jus feel worried due to certain things, but sometimes sense frens, family, pple feeling down, sad., then cannot sleep liaoz.. Tried pushin it away... jus wanted my sleep. Sometimes so tough, a break.. haha kit kat.. haiz.. talkin abt chocolates.. so much at home.. cant even eat a single one.. sadz.. really sadz.. jus becos of tis "MAY CONTAIN PEANUT TRACES!!!!", nuts been drivin me really nuts.. haiz..

Getting it out...

Jus couldnt push it down further n buried it inside my heart n never to be seen, recall again. Surfaced out..y not jus throw it out instead.. will i feel better, maybe.. watever.

Sat.... super tired.. barely awake.. totally zonk out. Always the same thing... unwanted stares frm pple.. condition flare up.. cause not enouf sleep plus plus plus.. Jus becos i dun look as "normal", it seems like a live exhibtion... curious stares cant be avoided..

Bugis.. finally it came.. making my way to art fren. Already feelin so sick n tired but it still hav to come rite at tt time. Escalator there.. two guys, tall n short.. Taller one simply jus stand at the entry of the escalator.. staring at me... frm corner of my eye., the expression on his face was like seeing something out of tis earth kind.. simply ignore n carried on.. He said the words to his fren.."wah, guan gong" loudly.. even thru e blastin of music.. could hear it so clearly.. n he was staring at me all the way. At the point of time, simply wish i could disappear rite away. How long does it take for to jus turn ard n stare at him n ask him a question.?? How long does it take for a punch to be throw out? Less then a minute.. less then a minute. Thank God i didnt react, jus remain silence movin on.

Numbing begins almost at the instance.. seems so natural process for me. Feelings push rite down n buried away inside m heart. Then i was okay again... move on. As usual things arent as nice as it always seems to be. On my way home.. the bottle broke.. it came out. Numbing doesnt works.. Jus becos of the difference.. jus that. Cant they jus be more considerate abt pple's feelings... puttin themselves into the shoes of others. Rite at the moment.. simply feel like cryin n the pain was intense... fighting back the tears.

Simply jus pray to God... wanted to find someone to talk to.. but no one.. soemthings cant be said out.. as it seems. Writing would be a better option at times... Part n parcel of my life.. as it will be.

Harsh,,

Am i too harsh on myself?? or too hard?? Its jus so confusing. Unanswerable still. Its so hard to explain.. things or even understand things.. even now sittin here, am tryin hard, pushin on. i dunno how long i can last. Is things gettin better or now is like i really cant be bother at all or is it i am numbing myself still but dunno i am doin it.

Certain things even changes. Certain changes and will never be the same again.

Faithful God

God knows each winding way I take,
And every sorrow, pain, and ache;
His children He will not forsake—
He knows and loves His own. —Bosch

Choosing to deaden bad feelings eventually deadens our ability to feel good.

Seems to apply much to me.. thk God for daily bread..

Selfish or not???

Cant help but wonder.. would it be consider selfish or is it not.. being a person who is sick.. n to find a gf , get married.. would it be like tying her down to you.. havin to go thru e pain. Would she ever regret it n not tell it to the person.. is tis consider selfish?? be thinking abt it..

Come to the point, y tied a her down when there is so many other better person ard? God provides but human have their own feelings n stuff.. will regrets fill their mind, become frustrated??
marriage nvr seem to be a good thing for me.. God i really dunno..

Looking at the cross
Rugged and stained with blood
Blood which was shed for us
Abundance love, mercy, forgiveness
Displayed thru' Jesus, our Lord & Saviour
Be glory, honour, power be to Him forever, Amen

COnfused

Hmm. jus got home.. frm the sending off of SP family. Dunno wat i am feeling.. but its jus seems tt way.. confused.. feel kinda sad.. isit becos i am leavin also in a month's time.. i really dunno leh.

Well.. tears feel like flowin out. its seems like i am absorbing lotsa of pple's emotions n making me also tearful.. now havin a headache.. Feels kinda funny, sendin them off. but seeing them again in abt a month's time..

Always very scared of crowds.. stand there like blur also dunno wat to do.. kinda overwhelm by the no. Well.. somehow got tis very feeling i will be cryin when i fly over.. wah.. not too gd thing leh.. nan ren liu xue bu liu lei.. tough.. Every man will hav his own time of cryin n sadness. It jus a matter of whether can he endure it.. n not show it.. i wish i could. Gettin nearer each n everyday.. who will i miss.. i really wonder.. it kinda strange at times.. arent.. who do i like now.. haha. stupid thing to ask myself.. haiz..

Farewells

Really emotional time.. for a lotsa of pple. Tears will flowing freely.. It always sad to see pple leaving to somewhere far, especially when you are already know them for so long n become close to one another. Well.. lookin at them.. i start to wonder abt my time.. farewell part.. Jus hope tt i wont cry loh.. kinda frightened by the crowd size. Month's time will be over there for studies.. 2 yrs or more.. Believe will miss my frens over here n my parents. hmm, hopin it will be a joyful farewell.. for my parents its two farewells in a day.. bro n me.. couldnt help but wonder deep inside how they feel. Sad, happy, worry.. somehow they jus wont show it..

Now would be a good time to catch up with frens.. n start informing them of my departure.. meet up with them, stuff like tt.. seems like lotsa of things.. to do.. but in the end actually its nothin much. will see how lah.. haiz

Sitting here still alive...
Even when there are people around me dying...
Christian and non-christian not spare at all...
Due to disaster, accidents, sickness...

But still I am alive...
What have i done to deserve another day to live...
Always disobeying, neglecting God, running away...

Only reason I could think of is His unlimited grace...
His unlimited mercy and love...
Everlasting God, Giver of Life....

Given a new opportunity to turn back to Him...
Will I learn and cherish it...
Or will I remain the sinful way that I am...

Many times i tried...
Many times i fail...
But God never give up on me...

Lord, teach me to treasure You in my heart...
Renew, restore and refine me...
May my life be pleasing in Your sight always...

Haiz..

Still feeling the same.. going thru the notions in life.. huh.. wait long long ah.. SOmethings jus cant be said out. wat r the due consequences of it.. aye. THings gonna be worse.. returinin to the back.. jus wanna push it all off n start a new life..

Tis question came into my mind.. y am i still alive seeing the disaster taking away lifes of christian n non-christians.. by God's grace, i am still here. After all the things i done.. i dun deserve to be ard.. still God could simply jus u know.. yah. but still i am here.. so many chances given to me by Him.. cant i jus change for permanent?? matters of e heart.. never ending, jus cant help but wonder wat happen to avril. did i make her angry again?? haiz.. i dunno whether am i doin e rite thing again in this area. Aching.. n aching when thinkin abt it..

Maybe once over there.. everything will change.. to a certain extent. break away frm e tis place which contains both gd n bad memories. Jia you ba.. gottta try to make every minute count for the Lord..

Crashing down..

Haiz.. another time of headache liaoz. So wats going to happen next? Everything is back again to square one again.. Wat hav i done today.. feel so sick abt it. Well knowing tt definitely not the one... process of numbing is starting again. Its not a good thing i guess, only compressin all the feelings down n down n down.. in the end.. barrier breaks.. everything starts leakin out. phew. jus like a nuclear melt down.. disaster. Wat can i say to .. wat can i do.. how do i approach.. its jus seems so difficult. Y..

GUess i suppose to do so?? -_-"" definitley not e one i suppose.. ahhh.. headache. sadz.. watever. here i go again. haha. got so much things in my mind... want to write out but jus dunno wat they are.. jus bugging.. me.

Turmoil in the heart...

Painful.... like full of vinegar inside me.. terrible feeling. I know i shouldnt be feelin tis way.. but somehow it doesnt help much. Everything is already in front.. cant run away.. tried not to see, not to hear but feelings are still there.. doesnt help.. in anyway. Its always back to the same point again.. havin to start all over again. Feelin very sad.. but its jus the way it is.. back to zero again.. Dunno wat am i going to do.. dun wan to say wat i already said..

Had a walk to bus stop.. jus wanted e time alone.. wind blowing.. so coolin n shiok. but deep within is pain.. tt wats my name is abt. I really dunno wat to say... now. Feelings, emotions.. tough it is.. Jus wish i could jus burt everything out but some stuffs is better left unsaid.. yupz.. Maybe i am e big problem in pple life.. messing things up.. i am numbing myself n pushin pass e limits.. i dun wan to end up breakin down.. n become whom i used to be.. very high risk.. can see it happenin already.. jus like today.. =~(

backz.. again

Did i do well... for God?? Is mi life according to God will.. ? Nope.. i still e same old person.. haiz.. Got so much in me.. compressed feelings..

Well.. today wack lotsa of food again.. bad bad bad... i really numbing myself.. dun want to think too much abt wats happening.. knowing well, i cant take it much longer.. so shift e focus again.. somehow i think i change again.. good change i guess.. permanent as well haha. slowly openin up.. n becomin more frenly.. n approachable to a certain extent.. ba. part of me still reserve, tts e mysterious part of me... waiting to be figure out.. hee. Dunno how i am feelin today.. sad? happy? confused?? really dunno dunno dunno.. crazy haha

Question...

Something tt shouldnt be think of.. nor ask of... strangely it seems.. tugging at the heart.. fightin hard to keep mouth shut over it.. Some stuff can nvr be know one.. or shouldnt even be spoken.. knowin well the consequences tt it might jus bring along. Tough isnt it.. heart can be deceitful as well... should jus heed God's prompting.. n not let the heart control me.. cut off all sources tt will cause me to be affected.... heart's emotion is filling up to the brink.. simply feel like exploding.. tears seems to be coming.. somehow i seems to be compressing all the emotions.. n numbing myself again.. the 3/4 is decreasing..it seems.. haiz..

Almost there....

Guess i should be abt 3/4 cleared... on my side, i really hope so.. Somehow.. i am still affected, jus hope e 3/4 doesnt decreases as each day passes by.. Can feel it even now... i also dunno how did the words come out.... i wish it didnt.. cause till now i still confuse abt it.. guess it jus trust, jus flow with things?? i dunno. Seems like lotsa of stuff bothering me.. but somehow.. jus couldnt figure it out.. not exactly cant figure it out.. but somethings is always there.. takes time.. n will to let God take over.. tryin.. n still tryin

how long can i last, runing the race.. so afraid tt i will jus fall away n give up.. i dunno.. dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno....

Y..

Y did it have to happen again.. only myself to blame for tt. Looks up i still hav not given up on lotsa of stuff. Tough.. but nvr give up.. believe one fine day i will overcome it. God help me please.. i cant do anything with my own strength but thru You.. nothing is impossible. Teach me Lord to also look in yer direction, faithfully seekin yer Words, commandments, tt i will commited to You, Lord. Lord, i really hope to a become a person seeking Yer heart.. renew n restore me Lord. This i pray in Jesus most precious name, amen.

When we experience suffering,
God's comfort will abound;
For tribulations teach us where
True comfort can be found. —Sper
In every desert of calamity, God has an oasis of comfort.

Sadness

Is tis jus a feeling tt i created or it comes frm deep within.. lookin ahead is a new chapter of my life again.. soon the cross roads will be infront of me again.. Sad, wats causing it... miss my loved n cherished one in my life, or sad tt going there alone, facing the world all by myself, road to independence..

Realise tt will miss alot of pple over here.. esp couple of there.. (special place in my heart) Tears are now dried up.. Thinkin abt wat i plan to do.. over there.. will i be able to do it.. know tt with God all things are possible but more afraid tt i will fail God again.. sadness jus simply wash over me again n again..

Will try not to get involve in any relationship.. more like who will like me.. in the first place.. haha. Currently on stand down at the moment. Feelin the turmoil inside me.. painful, hurting, sourness. To treat a person whom u like as a brother or sis arent easy.. it simply hurts so much at times.. containing the feelings n still go on with life. Showing pple tt everything fine, great to a certain extent, the pain simply pierces thru.. no one knows. Will continue to strive to achieve wat i had say n planned with God strength.. yupz. Theres still hope as long as God is ard.. =)

Death,,,

Death.. first started thinking abt it when i was in pri sch.. One thing tt pple have to face one day. Reading on the book "Tuesday with Morries", but havnt finished readin it.. Even in the first few chapters, was like cant help but wonder wats my life abt now.. wheres my focus.. on God or on my personal. What have i really done with this life of mine..

What if tomolo is my last day on tis earth.. reminds me of a song by matt redman.. Its really very real.. cause i really dunno wat will happen to me tomolo.. Am i ready to face my Saviour, would i hear the words "Well Done" frm His mouth.. Admit it.. my life is chaos.. not in focus with God.. but instead i am running wild n self centred most of the time.. if i really were to go.. wat abt pple ard me, my parents, and those pple i cherish in my heart.. wat have i done for them..

There mus be something which i really need to do n change.. It need to start now.. a new chapter of my life.. a life tt is focus upon God.. seeking Him, chasing after His heart.. Tis is my desire, but i keep failing God.. wat can , wat should i do to keep my focus on Him.. Strayin away frm Him is so common.. i really dun want to waste my life away.. God help me..

Little good news plus some not so good stuff..

Yes... God works in many diff ways, during vaccuumin was kinda dwellin on the visa issue.. worryin abt being rejected.. n started planing backup plan in my mind.. later realise tt got a miss call.. private no. so visa thing shot into my mind again.. could it be the embassy side?? hmm.. so decided to check email.. tada.. guess wat. email frm aussie embassy sayin my visa is approve. i was like.. kinda shock. Previous moment was worryin n decided to commit it to God, regardless of the result.. i will still continue to trust Him.. then after a while got e confirmation of approval. Thank God.. now is start to plan for the coming departure.

Walk dunno how many metres today.. my both feet the toe bone part hurts n my left knee cap.. started to complain. Went to check prices of stuff, got a list of stuff which i need to buy or want to buy. Prayin hard tt my dad will allow me to buy a digital cam. plus some other electronic stuff. Definitely need winter clothing. Will cut down the amt spend as much as i could, save as much as i can. Hope the trip to malaysia will be a good one.. where can get most stuff cheaply over there. Misadverture no. 1, knowing well.. tt the old chang kee stuff mostly fried.. got some seafood.. n knowing tt they use the same oil to fried it.. i still jolly well buy the puffs to eat.. end up suffering myself.. reaction came. Feel very uncomfortable, tired, parts of the body swelling. Until to evening then it stopped..

Misadverture no 2. Greedy boy..eat a chip without realising its durian chips.. AHHHHHH i hate durians.. grr. wish i wasnt so greedy.. Well thk God its jus one piece not a lot..

Misadverute no. 3, the cheese cake. inside seems to contain almond or nuts kinda stuff.. ahhh.. got a reaction.. again.. swelling, more tiredness, itch.. Its so tough for me to find something i can really hav peace eatin without e fear of food contamination. troublesome, burdensome i am.. how can i tied someone to such a sick, weak person like myself.. haiz. gf, marriage is definitely very far frm me.. so jus the e 4 leafs story.. with e sadder ending.. Can only watch frm afar.. prayin, caring, loving the person in the back stage. Jus to see the person happy, tt good enouf i guess. i still feelin e effects of the contaminton reaction.. arrrhhh.

Relationships..

Tis is the super topic which i be matrixing for so a long time.. too bad my matrix skill arent as good as Reeves n e rest.. (ahh e show also kinda stupid, kinda regret watchin all 3 of them duhz) Past few days n wks hav been days of flashbacks... not tt i want to but somehow all the things started cominn back to bug me again.. Relationship one of the super big headaches in my life.. sometimes jus dun understand y pple will end up being infatuated, liking, even fallin in love with another one.. Wouldnt it be better when things remain as it is.. as in everyone brother sis.. kind.

Flashback reminds me of the pple i hav hurt in my life.. thinking back i didnt do anything to them n somehow it jus happen.. Somehow blame seems to be shifted onto them instead of me.. not sayin i am the problem but in tt sense i am involve.. The way i handle the issues.. practically hurt so much pple.. jus wish i could turn back time.. n apologise to them the way i hav treated them.. esp one person... really feelin very bad. How much tears have been shed, the pain, hurt n everything. Guess its thru.. guys in the sense are better dealin with emotionals as in push everything away n focus on other stuff. simple to say runnin away.

I never really understand how they feel until recently.. totally broken n torn apart for yw.. Its was the saddest n most miserable period so far.. wounds seems to be there still..She e first person i loved, shed tears for.. But somehow thk God... tt it turn out tis way, i learn alot of things.. Better handling of such situation, really letting go n giving the entire thing to God.., learnt to treasure pple ard more, cherishin them, being more sensitive to them..

though it took 2-3 yrs to calm down n move on.. at least i am glad we are still frens.. well so as everything seems gettin on.. the next tidal wave came.. a new lesson.. i know how it feels to be avoided.. i regreted doing all those things in the past.. now its time to make amends, towards pple ard me.. if there is a case of someone like me.. (which is impossible) i mus make things clear with them.. n not to avoid but continue to love, protect their hearts, be a blessing to me, not to cause them to stumble, not get into the way of them servin God faithfully... hurt will still be there.. never feel good to rejected.. =)

Started readin "I kiss goodbye to dating", it really helps alot.. refocusing myself back to God.. though its hard n painful process.. but its definitely worth it.. I hope i can stick to the values, standard which i hav set for myself.. n not stray away.. God is the one tt can help me achieve it.. but i myself mus take the steps in obeyin God first.. indeed. Its always easier to love someone when he/she is a brother or sister.. dunno how to explain it.. but its really true..

Tis gonna be a long, but come to a point of time in life.. sometimes i really wonder did i miss my chance already.. giving up so many "open doors".. but most of them i noe is deifnitely not.. till i recently got stuck.. seems yes n no at the same time.. so jus wait.. haha. Well.. now things seems more difficult.. somehow i feel tt i will remain single.... permanent sickness plays a part in tis. Dun want to tie anyone down to me.. when the fact is they can find better pple then me.. There are so many better choices.. y let tie them to me. Fact is why stick to a person who is always sick when u can be with a healthier person.. Relationship is one of the things i really fear.. partly becos tt i dun want to go thru e sad feelings, fear of rejection, maybe tts y i dun talk to ladies.. so cut down the risk of infatuation, liking n fallin in love.. with them.

Who will be the one for me.. i jus wonder... no confidence in myself isit.. Been able to accept myself.. n still living n not givin up life.. but in terms of relationship., i practically give up.. liaoz.. seems hopeless... like i mention above. GUess the best thing so far.. is when the pple whom i treasure n cherished are happy with a smile on the face, n tt i can be a blessing to them, n be there when required... guess tt good enouf.

Will continued to pray for them tt they will find partners who truely after God's heart, able to help one another grow in Christ, supporting n being there for one another, sharing the same vision.. Coming back to myself, really got nothing to say.... jus wait loh. Jus like look ahead.. cant even see a land.. floating ard in the sea.. In the end, everything is in God's control.. turn towards Him for guide.. n let Him hold my hand n travelled in tis long journey. With Him ard, wat more can i ask for.. Thk God..

Finally.

Wow.. cant believe today, found the book.. "Tuesday With Morries" grab n bought it after much consideration. First introduce to the book by Grace.. well buyin the book is not becos of her.. but its more like its a good book with her recommendation, so y not hav a go at it.. haha. Spirits seems better today.. Well.. feeling is still there.. depressed, down sure is =) but life arent tt bad..

Watch a movie today by myself, looking ard.. so many couple, n grps of pple watchin together then i am like.. err... alone. Doesnt matter.. all i wanted was some time alone.. walking ard.. listenin to music.. like i always am.. Lone Ranger i guess.. but in the end i still need someone i can turn to, God is there... but somehow i still need someone whom i can see n talk to.. feel kinda guilty sayin tis cos e fact is God is all i need in my life. Sorry God.. well thk God for tis blog site though.. where i throw all my sorrows n happiness out.. though pple may not know how i feel.. but at least they might be happier.. i guess not be burden by me..

Something really impt is buggin me tightly.. close to my heart.. wats God's vision and callingfor me. The thing keep appearing.. kinda scare, wat if its really towards tt direction, i really am scared partly becos i afraid i might not heed e calling.. But deep within i really want to know n start workin towards it but seems like i am really weak...God grant me strength n courage tt i will follow Yer callin.. Its high time tt i should get tune with God for eternal.. Maybe should hav a talk with pastor or john.. abt it..

Squeezing my mind dry...

Title tells it all... emptyin my mind of thoughts before they get stack again.. making me bloated aggain... headache coming back.. tis seems like insomia is coming back again.. watever..

Sometimes jus wonder.. am i puttin up a false face.. or is it simply i have numbed myself to such an extent.. my emotions are so hidden. Most pple think tt i am okay.. still e same. Sometimes jus wished i could be more expressive.. fun loving, cheerful, talkative.. Lookin ard me.. fun n laughter.. while i am a dead man standin ard, boring pple to crazy. Sometimes.. being sensitive can feel pple thoughts n feelings but how can i approach them.. does sticking to my stand of "if they willing to share then they will talk abt it" Sometimes do i ask.. but its seems kinda uncomfortable for them... Maybe it jus me.. the super cnmi..

GUess i need lotsa of wisdom in tis area of my life.. opening up to others. I dun know.. even how to do it.. People like me is consider the most dangerous person ard. No one knows wat i will do next.. i am also afraid of myself after wat i share to AL.. regardin my self perception. Prayin n hoping tt i will not go the tt side of me which seems so true... Most pple dun know who i am, neither do i.. Seems like i am numbing my own feelings n emotions.. but still tryin to remain sensitive to others.. Jus the word tt came into my mind "Things will never be the same again". Its so true in my life, how i wish things will be diff. at times..

Bit and pieces II

Hav a great talk with AL durin the camp... at least get to know her slightly better and tt facing problems as well. Looking back, realise in every persons' life.. there are hidden secrets.. whom bug us all the way.. regrets in life as simple as these.. fact is no one knows abt it but God knows abt it definitely. Simply feel with shame... dunno how am i to face God when judgement day comes.. where everything will be exposed.. knowing well abt tis y then do i continue with those ways, shouldnt i be changing myself..

Sitting with AL at the beach, still feeling super down, feel like cryin.. but she ard.. cant rite. Though its okay for guys to cry.. everyone needs a break at times.. somehow i didnt.. feel like pouring out sorrows to her.. but in the end i didnt. Prayed for her as well... but somehow i dunno wat i praying makes myself also super confused.. tt nite was a crappy nite for me i guess.. somehow i look kinda cheerful.. chattin with others, pokin fun.. but deep inside heart is torn apart by emotions. After e younger pple gone off to bed.. i drop off to the beach again.. tis time cried.. slightly. run out of tears already i guess.. Its always revolve ard e same things....


Torn apart, broken, alone...
Sitting in a dark, cold corner...
Hope lies with God...
Tis i already know...
But jus so hard to let go...
And give them all to Jesus...
Broken heart, shattered dreams...
Prayed and tried...
But its seems to no avail...
How long more then will i learn to let go...
Of these things and start pursuing things from God instead...

Bits n pieces

Jus as i was vacuuming.. mind seems to be bloated with lotsa of stuff. Jus feel like going to explode anytime.. Scenes frm the kaleo camp slowly came into my mind. Remember the part where i jus sat at the bench n cried my hearts out. Release of fear n emotionals... reason is uncleared. There seems so many things in my mind.. 2nd nitez, was alone at the beach.. walk along the breakwater stones.. to a certain extend quite dangerous.. almost slip couple of times.. thk God still alive.. =) Sat there.. look up into the sky.. saw the moon n the stars.. somehow tt reminds me of grace. haha.. stupid rite. Marvelous creation of God... place up there, its really awesome.. if there were lotsa of stars out there.. Jus couldnt help but wonder where is heaven n where is God living at the moment. hmmm....

Coming to the sad part again.. sitting there. Feelin very lost n jus wanted to be alone.. thought i am afraid of lonliness. Waves gently splash against the shores n stones.. across lies sentosa n mainland.. bright lights shining ard.. indeed a break frm the hectic life in mainland.. quietness, stillness, peace as well. Lookin at the sea.. the feelin of death seem so strong... jus like tt time in Port Dickson.. its the same kind of feeling. I dunno why i feel tis way.. but its jus there..

Another day.. life passes by again. What have i done.. nothing at all. Live seems kinda meaningless. Waiting for the visa results is kind of worryin.. wat if rejected.. any backup plans?? THen mus go find work liaoz.. Everything seems so near yet so far away. I feel scared.. even a guy will feel scare, tears will fall... Probably due to the fact tt i am more emotional then others ard me. like lotsa of things to prepare n dunno wat to get.. haiz..

No words to describe,
nearer, nearer, nearer it gets
Is it fear, joy, confusion, excitment
Simply bothers me
Everything jus seems to far
Everything ahead seems blurred

Treasure of Jesus...

It lies in wait at the door of the heart...
Waiting for the owner to accept...
Free, self sacrificing love of God...
Now, as i have accepted the treasure...
But its not the end yet...
Will i learn to treasure it...
Will i give up all things for it...
The journey is long...
Will i lose the treasure in time to come...
Or will i end up rejecting this priceless treasure...
Fear simply gripped me....
It frightens me alot...
For i do not wish to lose this treasure...
What should i do...
What can i do...
Answer has already been reveal...
Will i start to work on it...
I really do hope so...
In treasuring the Treasure of Jesus...

Still Depressed huh>>??

Living the motion again today... didnt i make up my mind to give up stuff for the Treasure. Somehow i failed badly, simply jus adds on to the current depressed mood of mind. Who can i turn to... i seriously dun noe.. Everyone n everybody seems so down.. broken hearted.. i neeed to press on.. nothing i can do but endure n push on.. feelin the cracking effect.. dunno when emotions will erupt out.. again. Need to trust in God.. more n be more obedient.

After tis camp.. i dunno. it seems to be i might hav done something i shouldnt hav done. Now is to really confirm the current situation.. hope everything is fine. haiz...

Depressed

Pain and anguish stored
Deep within the heart
No words can describe
Simply dont know wat to say, what to do

Emptiness fills the heart, lonliness creeps and knocks on the hearts door
Overwhelmed, tears start to fall, fear and sadness grips the heart
Everything seems to dull and gloominess clings on so tightly
No one to turn to it seems, everyday seems to fade away

Quietness and the night seems to drag
Wondering will the sun ever rise
Though know that God is around
But sometimes need something tangible

No answer to problems, everywhere is a dead end
Will this ever end, how long more can i take
Soon the emotions will come, eruption occurs
Sudden release of pent up emotions

So do i feel better after eruption
I really do not know

Partial Life

Day by day passes by...
Without realising time have alreadt breeze by...
Much of life have already flew passed...
Nothing much is achieved...

Being a christian, am i really a true christian...
Have i heed God's calling, obey His commandments...
How many time have i ever just push Him aside...
What kind of christian am i really...

Even in times of danger, problem, etc...
Do i turn to God i dun think so...
Am I holding the Saviour and dragging Him around...
Or is He holding my hand and guiding me in life...

How many times have i broken God's heart...
Will i ever learn my lesson, will i ever change...
When will i stop shutting God out of my life...
Will i still remain a christian in the next five to ten years...

Deep within i really want to change for the LORD...
But something is definitely blocking my path...
Sin, worldly desires, personal pride, selfishness, ego is a constant onslaught...
But need to press on, believe God will help me overcome the world definitely...

DrEAmZ

Started from young...
Continues to old times...
Brings hope, ambition, aim in life...
How many dreams are jus passing by...

Many dreams have been lost...
Very little dreams have be fullfilled...
Is it simply a waste of time...
Or does it add spice, hope to life...

Ever dream for the LORD...
What and how would it be like...
How would things end up to be like...
Will I ever fullfill the dream for my LORD...

Somehow, it frigthens me...
Would it turn out to be a covenant kind of thing...
Would i fail during on the way of tryin to ahcieve the dream...
Would i simply give up half way through...

Hmmm, what exactly is it like to dream for the LORD...
Would I want to give it a try...
It seems purposeful and life fullfilling...
Why not give it a try today...

end of camp....

Finally its over... busy for so long n ended in a while. Kaleo camp... indeed its fun n great.. sleepless nitez for almost everyday durin the camp.. Really thank God its successful.. n everything turn out fine.. Thk God for Robert.. really did a great job durin the camp. As usual.. durin camp some pple will be sad.. its seems... shouldnt dwell n write into it anymore.. Emotions are all there.. to be felt... n seem but just dont want to interfere in it. anymore. Maybe its a good thing.. personal space, if the person needs to talk.. well, if required step it..

Back to the details of camp.. GuyThrush.. the best team haha.. tts my grp suppose to be Long John Silver.. but nvr mind. in some way get to know more pple.. in the camp.. some gb girls.. haha.. while.. tis is my crappiest period i had.. disturbin pple ard in my team.. sendin out crows. Tis only happens once or twice every year.. Tis my so call last camp in tis year before setting off to anothere place.. where a new chapter of life begins.. yupz.. indeed. Good memories n bad memories frm tis camp.. its great i would say, haha

Serious moments....

NOw coming to the more serious part of the camp.. liaoz. Lotsa of things.. beyond words can describe.. Even on the first day gettin to there.. already so blue n sian liaoz.. really bothered n feeling very depressed... dunno wat is it all abt.. probably the same old things.. jus tt.

Sometimes jus dunno whether should i tell pple how i feel... sometimes its really overwhelming.. simply dunno who i can talk to.. pple hav their own problems.. haiz. End up sittin there on the bench.. at first was planing my 5 - 10 again but end up.. cryin dunno for how long... There a great fear inside my heart.... really fearful.. n its have to apprehen it.. esp whether will i go overseas will be confirm very soon.. its jus scares me... It hurts alot when reminded of my sickness.. how things will be.. n thought abt marriage.. its simply jus make things worst.. its simply jus tt.. cried for two nites in a row except for the last nite.. cannot cause alicia lim was with me at the beach.. also going thru a tough time.. kinda surprise tt she asked me to go to the beach with her.. well had a good talk with her.. listenin to her.

So far think no one knows wats happened to me.. at the nitez.. sometimes jus wish someone would be there with me.. e presence.. would make a diff. Wish things were alot diff. i findin it hard to control emotions at tis point of time.. its really painful.. Dunno jus feel the way.. maybe its wat i felt.. Nothing i can do but jus bear with it.. Well maybe its a good thing.. rather then e other way ard.. I am jus confused on wat to do n how to go abt doing it.. feelin crushed..

Matter of fact.. i feel very detached frm the pple ard me. Really feel out of place.. in kaleo. Everyone so close to one another, jus felt like i am intrudin in, breaking the peace. Feeling very lonely, stranger, like communication break down like tt... Maybe in the first place i shouldnt be inside.. If watever i feel its true.. i truely give blessing n prayer, wish the best for "thez" So much things inside my heart.. cant pour it out at all.. =( tears comin again soon.. haiz.


The pain, sadness all stash up
Bottled over all the years...
Cracks will appear, leaking starts...
Tears will fall n a broken heart...

Long day...

Hmmm.. still feeling very tired. Though today suppose to be offically "off" day for me to rest but somehow didnt rest much at all.. feelin worst off.. going thru e medical.. was ahh.. waited so long.. cant blame anyone but myself. Well.. the urine test.. jus as i expected something happened.. its always seems the case.. but everytime God brought me thru.. how abt tis time.. i dunno. Tomolo goin in liaoz.. advance.. party.. kinda excited.. spend so much time.. doin the camp stuff.. phew.. barely any strength left.. now really runnin on adrenaline.. well.. press on.. Also very glad tt Grace exams over.. happy for her as well.. time to sleep liaoz.. i guess. hope i could sleep.. tonitez.. =)

Vision

Strong inclination, desire to serve as a social worker/counsellor. Really want to go out to understand pple more, helping them with their problems in the process of spreading God love to them.. Feelin been with me for a long time.
Serve in youth areas, teaching, relating with pple.

Current vision
--------------

To bring my family to Christ.. hope to see them worshippin the Lord. Set abt 2 yrs time.. but God willing.

At least specialise in a musical instrument.. using music to minister to others as for myself, to worship God too.

To grow in Christ likeness, to be a man after God's own heart.

---------------

Its not over yet.. but things are still unfuring at the moment. yupz.. more to come!

Children Camp 2....

Today was the start of the childrens camp.. kinda fun.. looking at the teachers workin n teachin the kids. arent easy job.. takes alot of heart to be there lookin after n educating the kids. Games.. tt probably a headache for both ben n me.. was crackin brains over it.. how to form games tt suit both very young n slightly older ones.. I mus admit tt i am dependin too much on my own.. strength.. feel so burnout after one day. Thk God manage to come up with some games for the children again.. hope tis time round is better.. Cant imagine myself standin infront.. speakin with the mike. Doesnt sound like me.. guess its a hidden part of me tt seldom comes out..

Sunday sch ministry doesnt seems to be the one suitable for me.. its easier workin with older pple.. still clinging onto the vision which i had in mind.. somehow feel tt the path God is intentin me to go into.. Thought of beome a pastor never really.. came into my mind at all. After tt day of sharing when pastor andrew mention it.. seems kinda imprint into my mind. Jus cant imagine if i am really to be a pastor.. hmm.. its kinda hard to know wats e next step.. but somehow believe tt God is slowly revealin His vision for me.. Lotsa of thing i need to do.. change my way of life. esp the spiritual part of mine.. need to be more in tuned with God.. yupz.. jia you!!

Cant help but wonder can i sleep well tonite?? yesterday like never sleep at all.. -_-"'

Children's camp

Phew.. another day have passed.. kinda drained.. went thru e ma, well got lotsa of information.. this gonna be a super siong wk. Definitely not able to survive by my own strength but with God ard.. sure can.

Children camp.. 2nd time involved.. maybe its e first bad exp. tt keep me frm involvin for so long.. hmmm its also e place where something embarrassing happened.. haiz, so tis one also hmmm.. hope nothing of tt will happen.. haha. Regreted.. somehow.. when thought abt tt incident.. also paiseh. Now invovle in the lesson.. kinda excited n stress in a way. first time. man.. whoa.. Games.. nightmare again.. ah. Have to trust God tt He will bring along things well.. its not wat i want its wat God wants, yeah. indeed. Sleep kinda deprived. still.. gettin late liaoz.. tomolo will rush e camp booklet as much as i can.. also hope things will turn out fine.. by God's grace.. yuppa/..

Treasure

Even as kaleo draws near.. still feelin down n depress. RUshin the booklets.. siong.. tiring.. thk God my mom is ard helpin me.. guess i am depending too muc on my own strength. THings jus seems to pile up so fast n so high.. But Will trust God in everything.. if not wont survive for long/

Hmmm treasure.. theme of kaleo camp. Treasure rite at the door step of the heart. I accepted it.. Found Jesus.. as i listen to a song.

"So what now?? What will you do now that u have found me?
What now? What will you do with this treasure that you found??"

This words pierce thru my heart.. suddenly feel very exposed, broken.. Simply struck me.. expected it.. Jesus invited me.. so many times.. but i have jus brushed it aside.. tis one of the things bothering me.. a life tt isnt Christ focus.. even havin the treasure but i live like i dun have it at all. THings are slowly being revealed.. TIme rushin by so fast. dunno wat to say..

Why....

Feel like going to collaspe anytime today.. thk God for the coffee today.. if not hard to stay awake.. Good sermon on psalm 23, life verse as well. But been tryin hard to apply in my life.. but so far cant make it... Today was a bad day for me.. fallin sick soon.. i feel it coming.. n at the end of the day.. overcome by the unknown feelin in me.. super miserable n depressed.. jus feel like cryin.. overwhelmin me to the brim.. Think i got a rough idea of wats the thing abt.. someday it will be reveal by God grace... i believe i can over come it. haiz.. for the time being.. really dunno wat to do..
mus jia you n press on in my walk with God.. obeyin His commands.. mus do it!!!

Again....

Something seems to be heavy upon my heart.... but cant confirm wat its abt. Or is it.. i knew wat it is.. but somehow jus dunnno want to face it.. runing away frm it?? Hmmm... Havent been sleepin well.. sometimes ly down on the bed.. tossing n turnin..

Man grp.. another almost sleepless nitez.. some guys play thru e nitez e soccer on ps 2.. i was sleepin at the side. Didnt really sleep.. thing is still inside my heart.. but still dunno wat exactly it is.. combination of alot of things ba.. i guess.. Thurs nite couldnt sleep so decided to dig out the old letter box. containing letters frm my frens.. glance thru some of time. reminded me of the pple whom i hav hurt last time. Sudden pang of guilt n shame came over me... thing i hav done to them.. i finally realise how they feel now.. its never a good feeling.. being torn apart by emotions, emptiness, darkness seems overwhelming. How i wish i have done things in a better way, really wish i could apologise to them.. but when i see them will i really have the courage to say sorry.. i really dunno.. Children's camp n kaleo camp approachin.. still kinda stress out by k camp stuff.. watever..

Interestin thing happened today, dunno wat i was thinkin of.. as well. Took metal spoon n fork eat kway chup.. wat am i doing.. shouldnt i be using chopsticks n e ceramic spoon. ahh.. tts not all ... i simply grab the food n walk off without PAYING!!! Goodness.... the auntie also didnt stop me.. ahhh. later when big bun tell me.. "u must be too stress.. didnt pay for yer food.." i got a shock... but he paid for me.. wanted to pay him back but he refuse to accept it.. thk God for a bro like him.. frankly speakin i dunno wat the heck i m doing. Jus feelin very sick n tired.. dunno whether can sleep or not tonite.. sound tomolo.. as well.. This month gonna be super hectic.. n coming months as well..

Lord bring me back to you, draw me into Yer Presence once again.. Need to trust You in alot of things.. Guide me O Lord..

Thoughts..

WOnderin n wondering.. many things going thru my mind... dont know wat to say, wat to do.. jus confused.. going thru similar stuff again.. take some time.. its jus the way it works. i guess.

Oh yes.. kaleo camp.. ahhh. its been in my head for a long time.. stressin me out quie badly.. doin the booklet.. n stuff. children camp next wk. Medical appt. not done yet.. haiz.. jus wish i could jus finish eveyrthing n get on with other stuff.. drawin near to the day when i wont be ard for quite some time.. surely will miss alot of pple n things here.. haiz.. a step out into the big big world..

Hav to trust God in alot of things.. yeah.. life is a mess, but tryin to straightened up with Him again.. jia you!

yesterday

Finally settled the camp t-shirts n stuff. Hopefully everything is okay.. liaoz. for tis part. Lookin back again.. spiritually still on the low scale.. slowly etchin up.. Tryin hard to balance the pillars in my life, workin to be a man after God's own heart.. will i be able to achieve tis n not fall away along the way.. i really wonder..

Hmm lookin at the plan which i made.. 2 yrs study, decided to abstain from gettin into any relationship.. somehow jus feel very afraid of relationship. Fear of rejection.. dunno how to handle it, afraid of hurtin the person.. Is it a stupid thing to even think abt.. looking at myself.. tis condition.. wonderin which lady could accept it. It not jus being frens.. its living together in time to come,, will the person ever regret... so many healthy guys out there... wouldnt it be better for then to find someone who is healthy. I do must admit, sometimes.. i dun ever dare to look in the mirror..
Life still goes on.. sometimes jus wonder.. will there even be anyone tt will really accept the way i am.. Being frens with pple is okay.. well. jus hav to let it be.. God, teach me to trust in yer provision n guidance..

Back to the deep unknown....

As it always is.. the deep unknown.. hidden thoughts n feelings everything that was compress n stuff into my heart.. overtime its leaks out.. frm cracks here n there.. sometimes its all unknown feelings, hurt, pain, sadness, rush out. but jus dunno wats e cause.. sometimes its overwhelming.. jus like darkness creepin over n suffocatin me. Loneliness.. somehow like a spear tt pierce thru the heart.. sometimes jus feel like cryin.. but tears doesnt come.. hmmm.. guys arent really suppose to cry in a certain sense.. pride n ego.. cant we jus do away with it.. esp when a release is truely needed..... Gotta thank God for protecting my mind.. somehow its truely a miracle tt i didnt go crazy after all these years.. Once thought tt i wasnt afraid of loneliness. but i was wrong.. i am very afraid.. but fact is tt God is always present ard me.. as human we jus wish for something for tangible at times.. still lotsa of things in my heart n mind.. never ending its jus seems to be.. =)

Yesterday n today

Boy.. never feel so tired before.. last nite e AG home dinner great.. really enjoyed e worship n food.. haha. Though didnt eat much food but guess.. its a different perspective to yesterday dinner. It tug in my heart again.. towards a personal vision or God's vision for me.. First came into my mind as i was bathing.. wats my strength.. listenin.. sensitive.. it jus simply inclines towards being a counsellor n social worker perhaps.. I prefer such things to being an engineer as a matter of fact. Its one area i need to work on as well. communication.. n interaction. Its really a strong tug.. well.. even consider takin part time on tis area of studies. as well. Jus hav to wait n see.. haha.. Yesterday supper was hopin to munch on some stuff. wah.. sad case. e food only can see but cannot touch.. haiz. its quite irritating watchin everyone eat n jus sit there,, drinking well no choice for me.. reach home kinda late.. everyone asleep.

Today.. almost cannot wake up at all. jus want to jus zzzzz.. all the way.. cant do tt at all. studied till ko.. wake up realise tt i sleep for so long liaoz. tonite. i dunno whether i can sleep or not.. will now soon enouf. haha..

This day...

Its the truth.... i going thru a drought period. Spiritually, mentally down... Sometimes do i truely want to live for God? Personally i really want to .. but somehow my heart seems to be rejecting everything.. tried.. n so tired.. haiz

Nice....

A little girl and her father were crossing a flimsy bridge. The father was kinda of scared so he asked his little daughter,"Honey, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river."

The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand.""What's the difference?" asked the puzzled father."There's a big difference," replied the little girl.

"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you willnever let my hand go."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After looking thru the story above.. at times human fail one another in many ways.. But as the little girl mentions "If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you willnever let my hand go.", it struck me.. tt God is always handing my hand and He will never ever let me go. So I definitely in safe hands, for God is with me. Thank you, God.

Appreciation For My Parents....

Looking back through the years
Memories of the good and bad
All with accompanied me through my life
Somehow, they were always there in a certain way

Parents to me is a precious gift from God
Thank God for putting them in my life
Come think of it, what have i realy done for them
So down the memory lane i go

Tears and cries of my mom
Anxiety, apprehension, excitement filled my dad
Comes the cries of a newborn babe, a bundle of joy
Happiness and joy filled them over the brim

Happy as I was, having all the attention
Crying now and then, was all I need
Causing trouble was my best
Nonetheless, parents continue to care for me

Many times, I let them down
Many times, I broke their hearts
Many times, I disobey them
Nonetheless they still love me without fail

When sickness comes
Weak and tired they are
Dad continued to work for the family
Mom continued managing the house

When sickness comes to me
Parents showered love and care for me
Nursing me till i was healed
But still i didnt appreciate them at all

Discipline comes with punishment
More angry and hateful i was
Simply continue making the same mistakes and more
Never did understand the real meaning of their doing

Now, young man as I am
Coming out of the memories
Parents have aged with toil and pain
Till now that I realise all that they done for me

Feeling sad, angry with myself
All that I have done, nothing good it seems
Not once did i appreciate them
Always taking them for granted

Now the time to start
No way i could reply them for all that they done for me
So I must now care and love them
Do all I can for them

Dad, Mom thank God for all that you both have done
The blood, toil, pain in bringing me up, guiding me
Thank God for the both of you in my life
And thank God for putting me in this family

Pie....

Wow.. yesterday finally got a chance to make dinner for my family. 1st attempt at shepherd pie.. thk God it turn out edible. Slowly build up my confident.. should be able to cook more for my family.. maybe can consider a career as a cook haha.. wait ah.. 3 more days to application of visa and stuff, gettin kinda nervous, filled with apprehension as well as excitment.. how things will turn out. hmmm. everything seem so so so blur infront of me.. Jus hope tt everything will turn out fine n proceed on with things planned. Today went to AG home.. got a feel of the place there.. nice place.. enjoyed the singing n sermon. Havin a great battle in my heart.. tryin hard to focus on God but somehow.. something is fightin for the place.. phew.. wish i can press on.. feelin very dried n down.. headache comin to knock me out.. liaoz. Gotta press on.. all the way.

Today

Well... two days of able to wake up early to do my qt. n stuff. The battles still rages in me.. continuing the way God wants is tough.. many a times feel like cryin.. guess its never easy to be filled with the Spirit.. somehow feel tt i am in control by sinful desires.. God, i admit.. i can never be able to withstand all tis stuff without yer help.. Its only you who can help me.. grant me strength, to resist the ways tt arent pleasing to you Lord.

Feeling very depressed.. lost. Was lookin thru, the newspaper on the health. See the article.. somehow reminded of the painful past.. does it help.. i dunno. Lookin at myself now.. i feel even more demoralised.. Condition seems to be gettin worst each day.. jus feel like diggin a hole n hide in there.. mind is being bombarded by lotsa of things.. mostly feelings cause by the past.. i guess. Suppressed deep inside.. e hurt, pain coming out.. Rejection is something i really feel.. due to my sickness.. sometimes pple on the surface seems okay, but their eyes n body reaction kinda betrays it. i really dunno.. really dunno... wats things going to be like.. it simply hurts...

Growing up...

Sweet memories of being a child
Young, bashful, playful, innocent
Rash, daring, cheerful, energetic
All the laugther, all the fun
All the tears, all the dreams

Wouldnt it be great if one could remain as a child
Holding the hands of parents
Showered with love
Proctected from the world
Daydreaming was a norm

Looking back and looking forward
Wheres the innocent joy, laughter, dreams
Dreams are lost, many are not achieve
Toil, stress, pain beseiges non stop
Exposed to the ruthless world

Wouldnt it be great to have the innocence of a child
Boy, really miss those carefree days =)

hmmm...

Today another day has gone by.. Finally after 1 wks of procrastination.. i woke up at 0730.. jus hope tis will be a new start for me. Sometimes thing i do i also dunno whether i doing the rite thing or not. Haiz... Meet up with Justin discuss camp stuff with him.. tough job.. well like i say being lobo is the pt.. Everything is picking up.. camp proceeding on.. kinda stress up.. hav not been sleepin well too. so much things to do in a short time... Given a opportunity to get a job.. but thinking abt kaleo camp.. didnt even try to go for it.. rite choice.??? dunno. Got a bad headache today on the way home.. quite bother.. with my sickness.. gettin on my nerves.. parents also affected by it.. how long is it going last.. Lord.. facin it is tough. sometimes i wonder how long can i endure it..

If goin overseas.. will it be good for me?? Thinkin abt the ridicule, stares, etc.. by pple.. doesnt help at all. Sometimes jus feel like a freak walkin ard.. Lookin at all my frens.. sometimes wish i was them.. somehow e greatest obstacle preventing me from changin is my sickness ba.. losing self confident.. heart sinkin down.. wats gonna things be..

Do i love God?

Reading thru Eph. 5. Strucked me again.. like being slapped in the face again. Worldly or Spiritual christian am i. Its the obvious... worldly still i am.. Knowing wats right n wrong.. but still foolishly i chose to do the wrong things.. even my heart wants to do the right thing. Even as i was doing masterlife.. simply felt the forces pullin me on both sides.. struggling, jus feel like closing the book n give up.

Daily bread... another slap.. Do i love God?? Above clearly shows tt i dont.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength." —Mark 12:30

Been like telling myself love God, love God.. but it doesnt seems so.. jus words but no action being done at all. Situation is escalating, walk with God is being affected. Am i goin continue on like this.. i cant..

how jiu how jiu.....

Finally guess everything is okayz liaoz.. ba. Said wat i need to say.. done wat i need to do.. as well liaoz.. Glad tt everything turn out fine. Thank God. Thought i might still be feelin abit strange but guess thing will turn out.. better as each day passing by.. Bascially now really need to get back on my feet again esp for my walk with God.. really gettin stagnant.. haiz.

Tat day pc wedding.. glad tt he settle down with the girl whom he loved.. The journey ahead for him is gonna be even tougher. wishin him all the best. As for me.. kinda wonder, will i ever get married at all. Lookin at myself.. haiz. dunno.. frightening sight. Well.. jus hav to leave it to God ba.. He's still the One tt hold my tomolo n my hand.. who else can i depend on except Him... indeed