Tis is the super topic which i be matrixing for so a long time.. too bad my matrix skill arent as good as Reeves n e rest.. (ahh e show also kinda stupid, kinda regret watchin all 3 of them duhz) Past few days n wks hav been days of flashbacks... not tt i want to but somehow all the things started cominn back to bug me again.. Relationship one of the super big headaches in my life.. sometimes jus dun understand y pple will end up being infatuated, liking, even fallin in love with another one.. Wouldnt it be better when things remain as it is.. as in everyone brother sis.. kind.
Flashback reminds me of the pple i hav hurt in my life.. thinking back i didnt do anything to them n somehow it jus happen.. Somehow blame seems to be shifted onto them instead of me.. not sayin i am the problem but in tt sense i am involve.. The way i handle the issues.. practically hurt so much pple.. jus wish i could turn back time.. n apologise to them the way i hav treated them.. esp one person... really feelin very bad. How much tears have been shed, the pain, hurt n everything. Guess its thru.. guys in the sense are better dealin with emotionals as in push everything away n focus on other stuff. simple to say runnin away.
I never really understand how they feel until recently.. totally broken n torn apart for yw.. Its was the saddest n most miserable period so far.. wounds seems to be there still..She e first person i loved, shed tears for.. But somehow thk God... tt it turn out tis way, i learn alot of things.. Better handling of such situation, really letting go n giving the entire thing to God.., learnt to treasure pple ard more, cherishin them, being more sensitive to them..
though it took 2-3 yrs to calm down n move on.. at least i am glad we are still frens.. well so as everything seems gettin on.. the next tidal wave came.. a new lesson.. i know how it feels to be avoided.. i regreted doing all those things in the past.. now its time to make amends, towards pple ard me.. if there is a case of someone like me.. (which is impossible) i mus make things clear with them.. n not to avoid but continue to love, protect their hearts, be a blessing to me, not to cause them to stumble, not get into the way of them servin God faithfully... hurt will still be there.. never feel good to rejected.. =)
Started readin "I kiss goodbye to dating", it really helps alot.. refocusing myself back to God.. though its hard n painful process.. but its definitely worth it.. I hope i can stick to the values, standard which i hav set for myself.. n not stray away.. God is the one tt can help me achieve it.. but i myself mus take the steps in obeyin God first.. indeed. Its always easier to love someone when he/she is a brother or sister.. dunno how to explain it.. but its really true..
Tis gonna be a long, but come to a point of time in life.. sometimes i really wonder did i miss my chance already.. giving up so many "open doors".. but most of them i noe is deifnitely not.. till i recently got stuck.. seems yes n no at the same time.. so jus wait.. haha. Well.. now things seems more difficult.. somehow i feel tt i will remain single.... permanent sickness plays a part in tis. Dun want to tie anyone down to me.. when the fact is they can find better pple then me.. There are so many better choices.. y let tie them to me. Fact is why stick to a person who is always sick when u can be with a healthier person.. Relationship is one of the things i really fear.. partly becos tt i dun want to go thru e sad feelings, fear of rejection, maybe tts y i dun talk to ladies.. so cut down the risk of infatuation, liking n fallin in love.. with them.
Who will be the one for me.. i jus wonder... no confidence in myself isit.. Been able to accept myself.. n still living n not givin up life.. but in terms of relationship., i practically give up.. liaoz.. seems hopeless... like i mention above. GUess the best thing so far.. is when the pple whom i treasure n cherished are happy with a smile on the face, n tt i can be a blessing to them, n be there when required... guess tt good enouf.
Will continued to pray for them tt they will find partners who truely after God's heart, able to help one another grow in Christ, supporting n being there for one another, sharing the same vision.. Coming back to myself, really got nothing to say.... jus wait loh. Jus like look ahead.. cant even see a land.. floating ard in the sea.. In the end, everything is in God's control.. turn towards Him for guide.. n let Him hold my hand n travelled in tis long journey. With Him ard, wat more can i ask for.. Thk God..
