Haiz..

Still feeling the same.. going thru the notions in life.. huh.. wait long long ah.. SOmethings jus cant be said out. wat r the due consequences of it.. aye. THings gonna be worse.. returinin to the back.. jus wanna push it all off n start a new life..

Tis question came into my mind.. y am i still alive seeing the disaster taking away lifes of christian n non-christians.. by God's grace, i am still here. After all the things i done.. i dun deserve to be ard.. still God could simply jus u know.. yah. but still i am here.. so many chances given to me by Him.. cant i jus change for permanent?? matters of e heart.. never ending, jus cant help but wonder wat happen to avril. did i make her angry again?? haiz.. i dunno whether am i doin e rite thing again in this area. Aching.. n aching when thinkin abt it..

Maybe once over there.. everything will change.. to a certain extent. break away frm e tis place which contains both gd n bad memories. Jia you ba.. gottta try to make every minute count for the Lord..

Crashing down..

Haiz.. another time of headache liaoz. So wats going to happen next? Everything is back again to square one again.. Wat hav i done today.. feel so sick abt it. Well knowing tt definitely not the one... process of numbing is starting again. Its not a good thing i guess, only compressin all the feelings down n down n down.. in the end.. barrier breaks.. everything starts leakin out. phew. jus like a nuclear melt down.. disaster. Wat can i say to .. wat can i do.. how do i approach.. its jus seems so difficult. Y..

GUess i suppose to do so?? -_-"" definitley not e one i suppose.. ahhh.. headache. sadz.. watever. here i go again. haha. got so much things in my mind... want to write out but jus dunno wat they are.. jus bugging.. me.

Turmoil in the heart...

Painful.... like full of vinegar inside me.. terrible feeling. I know i shouldnt be feelin tis way.. but somehow it doesnt help much. Everything is already in front.. cant run away.. tried not to see, not to hear but feelings are still there.. doesnt help.. in anyway. Its always back to the same point again.. havin to start all over again. Feelin very sad.. but its jus the way it is.. back to zero again.. Dunno wat am i going to do.. dun wan to say wat i already said..

Had a walk to bus stop.. jus wanted e time alone.. wind blowing.. so coolin n shiok. but deep within is pain.. tt wats my name is abt. I really dunno wat to say... now. Feelings, emotions.. tough it is.. Jus wish i could jus burt everything out but some stuffs is better left unsaid.. yupz.. Maybe i am e big problem in pple life.. messing things up.. i am numbing myself n pushin pass e limits.. i dun wan to end up breakin down.. n become whom i used to be.. very high risk.. can see it happenin already.. jus like today.. =~(

backz.. again

Did i do well... for God?? Is mi life according to God will.. ? Nope.. i still e same old person.. haiz.. Got so much in me.. compressed feelings..

Well.. today wack lotsa of food again.. bad bad bad... i really numbing myself.. dun want to think too much abt wats happening.. knowing well, i cant take it much longer.. so shift e focus again.. somehow i think i change again.. good change i guess.. permanent as well haha. slowly openin up.. n becomin more frenly.. n approachable to a certain extent.. ba. part of me still reserve, tts e mysterious part of me... waiting to be figure out.. hee. Dunno how i am feelin today.. sad? happy? confused?? really dunno dunno dunno.. crazy haha

Question...

Something tt shouldnt be think of.. nor ask of... strangely it seems.. tugging at the heart.. fightin hard to keep mouth shut over it.. Some stuff can nvr be know one.. or shouldnt even be spoken.. knowin well the consequences tt it might jus bring along. Tough isnt it.. heart can be deceitful as well... should jus heed God's prompting.. n not let the heart control me.. cut off all sources tt will cause me to be affected.... heart's emotion is filling up to the brink.. simply feel like exploding.. tears seems to be coming.. somehow i seems to be compressing all the emotions.. n numbing myself again.. the 3/4 is decreasing..it seems.. haiz..

Almost there....

Guess i should be abt 3/4 cleared... on my side, i really hope so.. Somehow.. i am still affected, jus hope e 3/4 doesnt decreases as each day passes by.. Can feel it even now... i also dunno how did the words come out.... i wish it didnt.. cause till now i still confuse abt it.. guess it jus trust, jus flow with things?? i dunno. Seems like lotsa of stuff bothering me.. but somehow.. jus couldnt figure it out.. not exactly cant figure it out.. but somethings is always there.. takes time.. n will to let God take over.. tryin.. n still tryin

how long can i last, runing the race.. so afraid tt i will jus fall away n give up.. i dunno.. dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno....

Y..

Y did it have to happen again.. only myself to blame for tt. Looks up i still hav not given up on lotsa of stuff. Tough.. but nvr give up.. believe one fine day i will overcome it. God help me please.. i cant do anything with my own strength but thru You.. nothing is impossible. Teach me Lord to also look in yer direction, faithfully seekin yer Words, commandments, tt i will commited to You, Lord. Lord, i really hope to a become a person seeking Yer heart.. renew n restore me Lord. This i pray in Jesus most precious name, amen.

When we experience suffering,
God's comfort will abound;
For tribulations teach us where
True comfort can be found. —Sper
In every desert of calamity, God has an oasis of comfort.

Sadness

Is tis jus a feeling tt i created or it comes frm deep within.. lookin ahead is a new chapter of my life again.. soon the cross roads will be infront of me again.. Sad, wats causing it... miss my loved n cherished one in my life, or sad tt going there alone, facing the world all by myself, road to independence..

Realise tt will miss alot of pple over here.. esp couple of there.. (special place in my heart) Tears are now dried up.. Thinkin abt wat i plan to do.. over there.. will i be able to do it.. know tt with God all things are possible but more afraid tt i will fail God again.. sadness jus simply wash over me again n again..

Will try not to get involve in any relationship.. more like who will like me.. in the first place.. haha. Currently on stand down at the moment. Feelin the turmoil inside me.. painful, hurting, sourness. To treat a person whom u like as a brother or sis arent easy.. it simply hurts so much at times.. containing the feelings n still go on with life. Showing pple tt everything fine, great to a certain extent, the pain simply pierces thru.. no one knows. Will continue to strive to achieve wat i had say n planned with God strength.. yupz. Theres still hope as long as God is ard.. =)

Death,,,

Death.. first started thinking abt it when i was in pri sch.. One thing tt pple have to face one day. Reading on the book "Tuesday with Morries", but havnt finished readin it.. Even in the first few chapters, was like cant help but wonder wats my life abt now.. wheres my focus.. on God or on my personal. What have i really done with this life of mine..

What if tomolo is my last day on tis earth.. reminds me of a song by matt redman.. Its really very real.. cause i really dunno wat will happen to me tomolo.. Am i ready to face my Saviour, would i hear the words "Well Done" frm His mouth.. Admit it.. my life is chaos.. not in focus with God.. but instead i am running wild n self centred most of the time.. if i really were to go.. wat abt pple ard me, my parents, and those pple i cherish in my heart.. wat have i done for them..

There mus be something which i really need to do n change.. It need to start now.. a new chapter of my life.. a life tt is focus upon God.. seeking Him, chasing after His heart.. Tis is my desire, but i keep failing God.. wat can , wat should i do to keep my focus on Him.. Strayin away frm Him is so common.. i really dun want to waste my life away.. God help me..

Little good news plus some not so good stuff..

Yes... God works in many diff ways, during vaccuumin was kinda dwellin on the visa issue.. worryin abt being rejected.. n started planing backup plan in my mind.. later realise tt got a miss call.. private no. so visa thing shot into my mind again.. could it be the embassy side?? hmm.. so decided to check email.. tada.. guess wat. email frm aussie embassy sayin my visa is approve. i was like.. kinda shock. Previous moment was worryin n decided to commit it to God, regardless of the result.. i will still continue to trust Him.. then after a while got e confirmation of approval. Thank God.. now is start to plan for the coming departure.

Walk dunno how many metres today.. my both feet the toe bone part hurts n my left knee cap.. started to complain. Went to check prices of stuff, got a list of stuff which i need to buy or want to buy. Prayin hard tt my dad will allow me to buy a digital cam. plus some other electronic stuff. Definitely need winter clothing. Will cut down the amt spend as much as i could, save as much as i can. Hope the trip to malaysia will be a good one.. where can get most stuff cheaply over there. Misadverture no. 1, knowing well.. tt the old chang kee stuff mostly fried.. got some seafood.. n knowing tt they use the same oil to fried it.. i still jolly well buy the puffs to eat.. end up suffering myself.. reaction came. Feel very uncomfortable, tired, parts of the body swelling. Until to evening then it stopped..

Misadverture no 2. Greedy boy..eat a chip without realising its durian chips.. AHHHHHH i hate durians.. grr. wish i wasnt so greedy.. Well thk God its jus one piece not a lot..

Misadverute no. 3, the cheese cake. inside seems to contain almond or nuts kinda stuff.. ahhh.. got a reaction.. again.. swelling, more tiredness, itch.. Its so tough for me to find something i can really hav peace eatin without e fear of food contamination. troublesome, burdensome i am.. how can i tied someone to such a sick, weak person like myself.. haiz. gf, marriage is definitely very far frm me.. so jus the e 4 leafs story.. with e sadder ending.. Can only watch frm afar.. prayin, caring, loving the person in the back stage. Jus to see the person happy, tt good enouf i guess. i still feelin e effects of the contaminton reaction.. arrrhhh.

Relationships..

Tis is the super topic which i be matrixing for so a long time.. too bad my matrix skill arent as good as Reeves n e rest.. (ahh e show also kinda stupid, kinda regret watchin all 3 of them duhz) Past few days n wks hav been days of flashbacks... not tt i want to but somehow all the things started cominn back to bug me again.. Relationship one of the super big headaches in my life.. sometimes jus dun understand y pple will end up being infatuated, liking, even fallin in love with another one.. Wouldnt it be better when things remain as it is.. as in everyone brother sis.. kind.

Flashback reminds me of the pple i hav hurt in my life.. thinking back i didnt do anything to them n somehow it jus happen.. Somehow blame seems to be shifted onto them instead of me.. not sayin i am the problem but in tt sense i am involve.. The way i handle the issues.. practically hurt so much pple.. jus wish i could turn back time.. n apologise to them the way i hav treated them.. esp one person... really feelin very bad. How much tears have been shed, the pain, hurt n everything. Guess its thru.. guys in the sense are better dealin with emotionals as in push everything away n focus on other stuff. simple to say runnin away.

I never really understand how they feel until recently.. totally broken n torn apart for yw.. Its was the saddest n most miserable period so far.. wounds seems to be there still..She e first person i loved, shed tears for.. But somehow thk God... tt it turn out tis way, i learn alot of things.. Better handling of such situation, really letting go n giving the entire thing to God.., learnt to treasure pple ard more, cherishin them, being more sensitive to them..

though it took 2-3 yrs to calm down n move on.. at least i am glad we are still frens.. well so as everything seems gettin on.. the next tidal wave came.. a new lesson.. i know how it feels to be avoided.. i regreted doing all those things in the past.. now its time to make amends, towards pple ard me.. if there is a case of someone like me.. (which is impossible) i mus make things clear with them.. n not to avoid but continue to love, protect their hearts, be a blessing to me, not to cause them to stumble, not get into the way of them servin God faithfully... hurt will still be there.. never feel good to rejected.. =)

Started readin "I kiss goodbye to dating", it really helps alot.. refocusing myself back to God.. though its hard n painful process.. but its definitely worth it.. I hope i can stick to the values, standard which i hav set for myself.. n not stray away.. God is the one tt can help me achieve it.. but i myself mus take the steps in obeyin God first.. indeed. Its always easier to love someone when he/she is a brother or sister.. dunno how to explain it.. but its really true..

Tis gonna be a long, but come to a point of time in life.. sometimes i really wonder did i miss my chance already.. giving up so many "open doors".. but most of them i noe is deifnitely not.. till i recently got stuck.. seems yes n no at the same time.. so jus wait.. haha. Well.. now things seems more difficult.. somehow i feel tt i will remain single.... permanent sickness plays a part in tis. Dun want to tie anyone down to me.. when the fact is they can find better pple then me.. There are so many better choices.. y let tie them to me. Fact is why stick to a person who is always sick when u can be with a healthier person.. Relationship is one of the things i really fear.. partly becos tt i dun want to go thru e sad feelings, fear of rejection, maybe tts y i dun talk to ladies.. so cut down the risk of infatuation, liking n fallin in love.. with them.

Who will be the one for me.. i jus wonder... no confidence in myself isit.. Been able to accept myself.. n still living n not givin up life.. but in terms of relationship., i practically give up.. liaoz.. seems hopeless... like i mention above. GUess the best thing so far.. is when the pple whom i treasure n cherished are happy with a smile on the face, n tt i can be a blessing to them, n be there when required... guess tt good enouf.

Will continued to pray for them tt they will find partners who truely after God's heart, able to help one another grow in Christ, supporting n being there for one another, sharing the same vision.. Coming back to myself, really got nothing to say.... jus wait loh. Jus like look ahead.. cant even see a land.. floating ard in the sea.. In the end, everything is in God's control.. turn towards Him for guide.. n let Him hold my hand n travelled in tis long journey. With Him ard, wat more can i ask for.. Thk God..

Finally.

Wow.. cant believe today, found the book.. "Tuesday With Morries" grab n bought it after much consideration. First introduce to the book by Grace.. well buyin the book is not becos of her.. but its more like its a good book with her recommendation, so y not hav a go at it.. haha. Spirits seems better today.. Well.. feeling is still there.. depressed, down sure is =) but life arent tt bad..

Watch a movie today by myself, looking ard.. so many couple, n grps of pple watchin together then i am like.. err... alone. Doesnt matter.. all i wanted was some time alone.. walking ard.. listenin to music.. like i always am.. Lone Ranger i guess.. but in the end i still need someone i can turn to, God is there... but somehow i still need someone whom i can see n talk to.. feel kinda guilty sayin tis cos e fact is God is all i need in my life. Sorry God.. well thk God for tis blog site though.. where i throw all my sorrows n happiness out.. though pple may not know how i feel.. but at least they might be happier.. i guess not be burden by me..

Something really impt is buggin me tightly.. close to my heart.. wats God's vision and callingfor me. The thing keep appearing.. kinda scare, wat if its really towards tt direction, i really am scared partly becos i afraid i might not heed e calling.. But deep within i really want to know n start workin towards it but seems like i am really weak...God grant me strength n courage tt i will follow Yer callin.. Its high time tt i should get tune with God for eternal.. Maybe should hav a talk with pastor or john.. abt it..

Squeezing my mind dry...

Title tells it all... emptyin my mind of thoughts before they get stack again.. making me bloated aggain... headache coming back.. tis seems like insomia is coming back again.. watever..

Sometimes jus wonder.. am i puttin up a false face.. or is it simply i have numbed myself to such an extent.. my emotions are so hidden. Most pple think tt i am okay.. still e same. Sometimes jus wished i could be more expressive.. fun loving, cheerful, talkative.. Lookin ard me.. fun n laughter.. while i am a dead man standin ard, boring pple to crazy. Sometimes.. being sensitive can feel pple thoughts n feelings but how can i approach them.. does sticking to my stand of "if they willing to share then they will talk abt it" Sometimes do i ask.. but its seems kinda uncomfortable for them... Maybe it jus me.. the super cnmi..

GUess i need lotsa of wisdom in tis area of my life.. opening up to others. I dun know.. even how to do it.. People like me is consider the most dangerous person ard. No one knows wat i will do next.. i am also afraid of myself after wat i share to AL.. regardin my self perception. Prayin n hoping tt i will not go the tt side of me which seems so true... Most pple dun know who i am, neither do i.. Seems like i am numbing my own feelings n emotions.. but still tryin to remain sensitive to others.. Jus the word tt came into my mind "Things will never be the same again". Its so true in my life, how i wish things will be diff. at times..

Bit and pieces II

Hav a great talk with AL durin the camp... at least get to know her slightly better and tt facing problems as well. Looking back, realise in every persons' life.. there are hidden secrets.. whom bug us all the way.. regrets in life as simple as these.. fact is no one knows abt it but God knows abt it definitely. Simply feel with shame... dunno how am i to face God when judgement day comes.. where everything will be exposed.. knowing well abt tis y then do i continue with those ways, shouldnt i be changing myself..

Sitting with AL at the beach, still feeling super down, feel like cryin.. but she ard.. cant rite. Though its okay for guys to cry.. everyone needs a break at times.. somehow i didnt.. feel like pouring out sorrows to her.. but in the end i didnt. Prayed for her as well... but somehow i dunno wat i praying makes myself also super confused.. tt nite was a crappy nite for me i guess.. somehow i look kinda cheerful.. chattin with others, pokin fun.. but deep inside heart is torn apart by emotions. After e younger pple gone off to bed.. i drop off to the beach again.. tis time cried.. slightly. run out of tears already i guess.. Its always revolve ard e same things....


Torn apart, broken, alone...
Sitting in a dark, cold corner...
Hope lies with God...
Tis i already know...
But jus so hard to let go...
And give them all to Jesus...
Broken heart, shattered dreams...
Prayed and tried...
But its seems to no avail...
How long more then will i learn to let go...
Of these things and start pursuing things from God instead...

Bits n pieces

Jus as i was vacuuming.. mind seems to be bloated with lotsa of stuff. Jus feel like going to explode anytime.. Scenes frm the kaleo camp slowly came into my mind. Remember the part where i jus sat at the bench n cried my hearts out. Release of fear n emotionals... reason is uncleared. There seems so many things in my mind.. 2nd nitez, was alone at the beach.. walk along the breakwater stones.. to a certain extend quite dangerous.. almost slip couple of times.. thk God still alive.. =) Sat there.. look up into the sky.. saw the moon n the stars.. somehow tt reminds me of grace. haha.. stupid rite. Marvelous creation of God... place up there, its really awesome.. if there were lotsa of stars out there.. Jus couldnt help but wonder where is heaven n where is God living at the moment. hmmm....

Coming to the sad part again.. sitting there. Feelin very lost n jus wanted to be alone.. thought i am afraid of lonliness. Waves gently splash against the shores n stones.. across lies sentosa n mainland.. bright lights shining ard.. indeed a break frm the hectic life in mainland.. quietness, stillness, peace as well. Lookin at the sea.. the feelin of death seem so strong... jus like tt time in Port Dickson.. its the same kind of feeling. I dunno why i feel tis way.. but its jus there..

Another day.. life passes by again. What have i done.. nothing at all. Live seems kinda meaningless. Waiting for the visa results is kind of worryin.. wat if rejected.. any backup plans?? THen mus go find work liaoz.. Everything seems so near yet so far away. I feel scared.. even a guy will feel scare, tears will fall... Probably due to the fact tt i am more emotional then others ard me. like lotsa of things to prepare n dunno wat to get.. haiz..

No words to describe,
nearer, nearer, nearer it gets
Is it fear, joy, confusion, excitment
Simply bothers me
Everything jus seems to far
Everything ahead seems blurred

Treasure of Jesus...

It lies in wait at the door of the heart...
Waiting for the owner to accept...
Free, self sacrificing love of God...
Now, as i have accepted the treasure...
But its not the end yet...
Will i learn to treasure it...
Will i give up all things for it...
The journey is long...
Will i lose the treasure in time to come...
Or will i end up rejecting this priceless treasure...
Fear simply gripped me....
It frightens me alot...
For i do not wish to lose this treasure...
What should i do...
What can i do...
Answer has already been reveal...
Will i start to work on it...
I really do hope so...
In treasuring the Treasure of Jesus...

Still Depressed huh>>??

Living the motion again today... didnt i make up my mind to give up stuff for the Treasure. Somehow i failed badly, simply jus adds on to the current depressed mood of mind. Who can i turn to... i seriously dun noe.. Everyone n everybody seems so down.. broken hearted.. i neeed to press on.. nothing i can do but endure n push on.. feelin the cracking effect.. dunno when emotions will erupt out.. again. Need to trust in God.. more n be more obedient.

After tis camp.. i dunno. it seems to be i might hav done something i shouldnt hav done. Now is to really confirm the current situation.. hope everything is fine. haiz...

Depressed

Pain and anguish stored
Deep within the heart
No words can describe
Simply dont know wat to say, what to do

Emptiness fills the heart, lonliness creeps and knocks on the hearts door
Overwhelmed, tears start to fall, fear and sadness grips the heart
Everything seems to dull and gloominess clings on so tightly
No one to turn to it seems, everyday seems to fade away

Quietness and the night seems to drag
Wondering will the sun ever rise
Though know that God is around
But sometimes need something tangible

No answer to problems, everywhere is a dead end
Will this ever end, how long more can i take
Soon the emotions will come, eruption occurs
Sudden release of pent up emotions

So do i feel better after eruption
I really do not know

Partial Life

Day by day passes by...
Without realising time have alreadt breeze by...
Much of life have already flew passed...
Nothing much is achieved...

Being a christian, am i really a true christian...
Have i heed God's calling, obey His commandments...
How many time have i ever just push Him aside...
What kind of christian am i really...

Even in times of danger, problem, etc...
Do i turn to God i dun think so...
Am I holding the Saviour and dragging Him around...
Or is He holding my hand and guiding me in life...

How many times have i broken God's heart...
Will i ever learn my lesson, will i ever change...
When will i stop shutting God out of my life...
Will i still remain a christian in the next five to ten years...

Deep within i really want to change for the LORD...
But something is definitely blocking my path...
Sin, worldly desires, personal pride, selfishness, ego is a constant onslaught...
But need to press on, believe God will help me overcome the world definitely...

DrEAmZ

Started from young...
Continues to old times...
Brings hope, ambition, aim in life...
How many dreams are jus passing by...

Many dreams have been lost...
Very little dreams have be fullfilled...
Is it simply a waste of time...
Or does it add spice, hope to life...

Ever dream for the LORD...
What and how would it be like...
How would things end up to be like...
Will I ever fullfill the dream for my LORD...

Somehow, it frigthens me...
Would it turn out to be a covenant kind of thing...
Would i fail during on the way of tryin to ahcieve the dream...
Would i simply give up half way through...

Hmmm, what exactly is it like to dream for the LORD...
Would I want to give it a try...
It seems purposeful and life fullfilling...
Why not give it a try today...

end of camp....

Finally its over... busy for so long n ended in a while. Kaleo camp... indeed its fun n great.. sleepless nitez for almost everyday durin the camp.. Really thank God its successful.. n everything turn out fine.. Thk God for Robert.. really did a great job durin the camp. As usual.. durin camp some pple will be sad.. its seems... shouldnt dwell n write into it anymore.. Emotions are all there.. to be felt... n seem but just dont want to interfere in it. anymore. Maybe its a good thing.. personal space, if the person needs to talk.. well, if required step it..

Back to the details of camp.. GuyThrush.. the best team haha.. tts my grp suppose to be Long John Silver.. but nvr mind. in some way get to know more pple.. in the camp.. some gb girls.. haha.. while.. tis is my crappiest period i had.. disturbin pple ard in my team.. sendin out crows. Tis only happens once or twice every year.. Tis my so call last camp in tis year before setting off to anothere place.. where a new chapter of life begins.. yupz.. indeed. Good memories n bad memories frm tis camp.. its great i would say, haha

Serious moments....

NOw coming to the more serious part of the camp.. liaoz. Lotsa of things.. beyond words can describe.. Even on the first day gettin to there.. already so blue n sian liaoz.. really bothered n feeling very depressed... dunno wat is it all abt.. probably the same old things.. jus tt.

Sometimes jus dunno whether should i tell pple how i feel... sometimes its really overwhelming.. simply dunno who i can talk to.. pple hav their own problems.. haiz. End up sittin there on the bench.. at first was planing my 5 - 10 again but end up.. cryin dunno for how long... There a great fear inside my heart.... really fearful.. n its have to apprehen it.. esp whether will i go overseas will be confirm very soon.. its jus scares me... It hurts alot when reminded of my sickness.. how things will be.. n thought abt marriage.. its simply jus make things worst.. its simply jus tt.. cried for two nites in a row except for the last nite.. cannot cause alicia lim was with me at the beach.. also going thru a tough time.. kinda surprise tt she asked me to go to the beach with her.. well had a good talk with her.. listenin to her.

So far think no one knows wats happened to me.. at the nitez.. sometimes jus wish someone would be there with me.. e presence.. would make a diff. Wish things were alot diff. i findin it hard to control emotions at tis point of time.. its really painful.. Dunno jus feel the way.. maybe its wat i felt.. Nothing i can do but jus bear with it.. Well maybe its a good thing.. rather then e other way ard.. I am jus confused on wat to do n how to go abt doing it.. feelin crushed..

Matter of fact.. i feel very detached frm the pple ard me. Really feel out of place.. in kaleo. Everyone so close to one another, jus felt like i am intrudin in, breaking the peace. Feeling very lonely, stranger, like communication break down like tt... Maybe in the first place i shouldnt be inside.. If watever i feel its true.. i truely give blessing n prayer, wish the best for "thez" So much things inside my heart.. cant pour it out at all.. =( tears comin again soon.. haiz.


The pain, sadness all stash up
Bottled over all the years...
Cracks will appear, leaking starts...
Tears will fall n a broken heart...

Long day...

Hmmm.. still feeling very tired. Though today suppose to be offically "off" day for me to rest but somehow didnt rest much at all.. feelin worst off.. going thru e medical.. was ahh.. waited so long.. cant blame anyone but myself. Well.. the urine test.. jus as i expected something happened.. its always seems the case.. but everytime God brought me thru.. how abt tis time.. i dunno. Tomolo goin in liaoz.. advance.. party.. kinda excited.. spend so much time.. doin the camp stuff.. phew.. barely any strength left.. now really runnin on adrenaline.. well.. press on.. Also very glad tt Grace exams over.. happy for her as well.. time to sleep liaoz.. i guess. hope i could sleep.. tonitez.. =)

Vision

Strong inclination, desire to serve as a social worker/counsellor. Really want to go out to understand pple more, helping them with their problems in the process of spreading God love to them.. Feelin been with me for a long time.
Serve in youth areas, teaching, relating with pple.

Current vision
--------------

To bring my family to Christ.. hope to see them worshippin the Lord. Set abt 2 yrs time.. but God willing.

At least specialise in a musical instrument.. using music to minister to others as for myself, to worship God too.

To grow in Christ likeness, to be a man after God's own heart.

---------------

Its not over yet.. but things are still unfuring at the moment. yupz.. more to come!

Children Camp 2....

Today was the start of the childrens camp.. kinda fun.. looking at the teachers workin n teachin the kids. arent easy job.. takes alot of heart to be there lookin after n educating the kids. Games.. tt probably a headache for both ben n me.. was crackin brains over it.. how to form games tt suit both very young n slightly older ones.. I mus admit tt i am dependin too much on my own.. strength.. feel so burnout after one day. Thk God manage to come up with some games for the children again.. hope tis time round is better.. Cant imagine myself standin infront.. speakin with the mike. Doesnt sound like me.. guess its a hidden part of me tt seldom comes out..

Sunday sch ministry doesnt seems to be the one suitable for me.. its easier workin with older pple.. still clinging onto the vision which i had in mind.. somehow feel tt the path God is intentin me to go into.. Thought of beome a pastor never really.. came into my mind at all. After tt day of sharing when pastor andrew mention it.. seems kinda imprint into my mind. Jus cant imagine if i am really to be a pastor.. hmm.. its kinda hard to know wats e next step.. but somehow believe tt God is slowly revealin His vision for me.. Lotsa of thing i need to do.. change my way of life. esp the spiritual part of mine.. need to be more in tuned with God.. yupz.. jia you!!

Cant help but wonder can i sleep well tonite?? yesterday like never sleep at all.. -_-"'

Children's camp

Phew.. another day have passed.. kinda drained.. went thru e ma, well got lotsa of information.. this gonna be a super siong wk. Definitely not able to survive by my own strength but with God ard.. sure can.

Children camp.. 2nd time involved.. maybe its e first bad exp. tt keep me frm involvin for so long.. hmmm its also e place where something embarrassing happened.. haiz, so tis one also hmmm.. hope nothing of tt will happen.. haha. Regreted.. somehow.. when thought abt tt incident.. also paiseh. Now invovle in the lesson.. kinda excited n stress in a way. first time. man.. whoa.. Games.. nightmare again.. ah. Have to trust God tt He will bring along things well.. its not wat i want its wat God wants, yeah. indeed. Sleep kinda deprived. still.. gettin late liaoz.. tomolo will rush e camp booklet as much as i can.. also hope things will turn out fine.. by God's grace.. yuppa/..

Treasure

Even as kaleo draws near.. still feelin down n depress. RUshin the booklets.. siong.. tiring.. thk God my mom is ard helpin me.. guess i am depending too muc on my own strength. THings jus seems to pile up so fast n so high.. But Will trust God in everything.. if not wont survive for long/

Hmmm treasure.. theme of kaleo camp. Treasure rite at the door step of the heart. I accepted it.. Found Jesus.. as i listen to a song.

"So what now?? What will you do now that u have found me?
What now? What will you do with this treasure that you found??"

This words pierce thru my heart.. suddenly feel very exposed, broken.. Simply struck me.. expected it.. Jesus invited me.. so many times.. but i have jus brushed it aside.. tis one of the things bothering me.. a life tt isnt Christ focus.. even havin the treasure but i live like i dun have it at all. THings are slowly being revealed.. TIme rushin by so fast. dunno wat to say..

Why....

Feel like going to collaspe anytime today.. thk God for the coffee today.. if not hard to stay awake.. Good sermon on psalm 23, life verse as well. But been tryin hard to apply in my life.. but so far cant make it... Today was a bad day for me.. fallin sick soon.. i feel it coming.. n at the end of the day.. overcome by the unknown feelin in me.. super miserable n depressed.. jus feel like cryin.. overwhelmin me to the brim.. Think i got a rough idea of wats the thing abt.. someday it will be reveal by God grace... i believe i can over come it. haiz.. for the time being.. really dunno wat to do..
mus jia you n press on in my walk with God.. obeyin His commands.. mus do it!!!

Again....

Something seems to be heavy upon my heart.... but cant confirm wat its abt. Or is it.. i knew wat it is.. but somehow jus dunnno want to face it.. runing away frm it?? Hmmm... Havent been sleepin well.. sometimes ly down on the bed.. tossing n turnin..

Man grp.. another almost sleepless nitez.. some guys play thru e nitez e soccer on ps 2.. i was sleepin at the side. Didnt really sleep.. thing is still inside my heart.. but still dunno wat exactly it is.. combination of alot of things ba.. i guess.. Thurs nite couldnt sleep so decided to dig out the old letter box. containing letters frm my frens.. glance thru some of time. reminded me of the pple whom i hav hurt last time. Sudden pang of guilt n shame came over me... thing i hav done to them.. i finally realise how they feel now.. its never a good feeling.. being torn apart by emotions, emptiness, darkness seems overwhelming. How i wish i have done things in a better way, really wish i could apologise to them.. but when i see them will i really have the courage to say sorry.. i really dunno.. Children's camp n kaleo camp approachin.. still kinda stress out by k camp stuff.. watever..

Interestin thing happened today, dunno wat i was thinkin of.. as well. Took metal spoon n fork eat kway chup.. wat am i doing.. shouldnt i be using chopsticks n e ceramic spoon. ahh.. tts not all ... i simply grab the food n walk off without PAYING!!! Goodness.... the auntie also didnt stop me.. ahhh. later when big bun tell me.. "u must be too stress.. didnt pay for yer food.." i got a shock... but he paid for me.. wanted to pay him back but he refuse to accept it.. thk God for a bro like him.. frankly speakin i dunno wat the heck i m doing. Jus feelin very sick n tired.. dunno whether can sleep or not tonite.. sound tomolo.. as well.. This month gonna be super hectic.. n coming months as well..

Lord bring me back to you, draw me into Yer Presence once again.. Need to trust You in alot of things.. Guide me O Lord..

Thoughts..

WOnderin n wondering.. many things going thru my mind... dont know wat to say, wat to do.. jus confused.. going thru similar stuff again.. take some time.. its jus the way it works. i guess.

Oh yes.. kaleo camp.. ahhh. its been in my head for a long time.. stressin me out quie badly.. doin the booklet.. n stuff. children camp next wk. Medical appt. not done yet.. haiz.. jus wish i could jus finish eveyrthing n get on with other stuff.. drawin near to the day when i wont be ard for quite some time.. surely will miss alot of pple n things here.. haiz.. a step out into the big big world..

Hav to trust God in alot of things.. yeah.. life is a mess, but tryin to straightened up with Him again.. jia you!

yesterday

Finally settled the camp t-shirts n stuff. Hopefully everything is okay.. liaoz. for tis part. Lookin back again.. spiritually still on the low scale.. slowly etchin up.. Tryin hard to balance the pillars in my life, workin to be a man after God's own heart.. will i be able to achieve tis n not fall away along the way.. i really wonder..

Hmm lookin at the plan which i made.. 2 yrs study, decided to abstain from gettin into any relationship.. somehow jus feel very afraid of relationship. Fear of rejection.. dunno how to handle it, afraid of hurtin the person.. Is it a stupid thing to even think abt.. looking at myself.. tis condition.. wonderin which lady could accept it. It not jus being frens.. its living together in time to come,, will the person ever regret... so many healthy guys out there... wouldnt it be better for then to find someone who is healthy. I do must admit, sometimes.. i dun ever dare to look in the mirror..
Life still goes on.. sometimes jus wonder.. will there even be anyone tt will really accept the way i am.. Being frens with pple is okay.. well. jus hav to let it be.. God, teach me to trust in yer provision n guidance..

Back to the deep unknown....

As it always is.. the deep unknown.. hidden thoughts n feelings everything that was compress n stuff into my heart.. overtime its leaks out.. frm cracks here n there.. sometimes its all unknown feelings, hurt, pain, sadness, rush out. but jus dunno wats e cause.. sometimes its overwhelming.. jus like darkness creepin over n suffocatin me. Loneliness.. somehow like a spear tt pierce thru the heart.. sometimes jus feel like cryin.. but tears doesnt come.. hmmm.. guys arent really suppose to cry in a certain sense.. pride n ego.. cant we jus do away with it.. esp when a release is truely needed..... Gotta thank God for protecting my mind.. somehow its truely a miracle tt i didnt go crazy after all these years.. Once thought tt i wasnt afraid of loneliness. but i was wrong.. i am very afraid.. but fact is tt God is always present ard me.. as human we jus wish for something for tangible at times.. still lotsa of things in my heart n mind.. never ending its jus seems to be.. =)

Yesterday n today

Boy.. never feel so tired before.. last nite e AG home dinner great.. really enjoyed e worship n food.. haha. Though didnt eat much food but guess.. its a different perspective to yesterday dinner. It tug in my heart again.. towards a personal vision or God's vision for me.. First came into my mind as i was bathing.. wats my strength.. listenin.. sensitive.. it jus simply inclines towards being a counsellor n social worker perhaps.. I prefer such things to being an engineer as a matter of fact. Its one area i need to work on as well. communication.. n interaction. Its really a strong tug.. well.. even consider takin part time on tis area of studies. as well. Jus hav to wait n see.. haha.. Yesterday supper was hopin to munch on some stuff. wah.. sad case. e food only can see but cannot touch.. haiz. its quite irritating watchin everyone eat n jus sit there,, drinking well no choice for me.. reach home kinda late.. everyone asleep.

Today.. almost cannot wake up at all. jus want to jus zzzzz.. all the way.. cant do tt at all. studied till ko.. wake up realise tt i sleep for so long liaoz. tonite. i dunno whether i can sleep or not.. will now soon enouf. haha..

This day...

Its the truth.... i going thru a drought period. Spiritually, mentally down... Sometimes do i truely want to live for God? Personally i really want to .. but somehow my heart seems to be rejecting everything.. tried.. n so tired.. haiz

Nice....

A little girl and her father were crossing a flimsy bridge. The father was kinda of scared so he asked his little daughter,"Honey, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river."

The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand.""What's the difference?" asked the puzzled father."There's a big difference," replied the little girl.

"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you willnever let my hand go."

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After looking thru the story above.. at times human fail one another in many ways.. But as the little girl mentions "If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you willnever let my hand go.", it struck me.. tt God is always handing my hand and He will never ever let me go. So I definitely in safe hands, for God is with me. Thank you, God.

Appreciation For My Parents....

Looking back through the years
Memories of the good and bad
All with accompanied me through my life
Somehow, they were always there in a certain way

Parents to me is a precious gift from God
Thank God for putting them in my life
Come think of it, what have i realy done for them
So down the memory lane i go

Tears and cries of my mom
Anxiety, apprehension, excitement filled my dad
Comes the cries of a newborn babe, a bundle of joy
Happiness and joy filled them over the brim

Happy as I was, having all the attention
Crying now and then, was all I need
Causing trouble was my best
Nonetheless, parents continue to care for me

Many times, I let them down
Many times, I broke their hearts
Many times, I disobey them
Nonetheless they still love me without fail

When sickness comes
Weak and tired they are
Dad continued to work for the family
Mom continued managing the house

When sickness comes to me
Parents showered love and care for me
Nursing me till i was healed
But still i didnt appreciate them at all

Discipline comes with punishment
More angry and hateful i was
Simply continue making the same mistakes and more
Never did understand the real meaning of their doing

Now, young man as I am
Coming out of the memories
Parents have aged with toil and pain
Till now that I realise all that they done for me

Feeling sad, angry with myself
All that I have done, nothing good it seems
Not once did i appreciate them
Always taking them for granted

Now the time to start
No way i could reply them for all that they done for me
So I must now care and love them
Do all I can for them

Dad, Mom thank God for all that you both have done
The blood, toil, pain in bringing me up, guiding me
Thank God for the both of you in my life
And thank God for putting me in this family

Pie....

Wow.. yesterday finally got a chance to make dinner for my family. 1st attempt at shepherd pie.. thk God it turn out edible. Slowly build up my confident.. should be able to cook more for my family.. maybe can consider a career as a cook haha.. wait ah.. 3 more days to application of visa and stuff, gettin kinda nervous, filled with apprehension as well as excitment.. how things will turn out. hmmm. everything seem so so so blur infront of me.. Jus hope tt everything will turn out fine n proceed on with things planned. Today went to AG home.. got a feel of the place there.. nice place.. enjoyed the singing n sermon. Havin a great battle in my heart.. tryin hard to focus on God but somehow.. something is fightin for the place.. phew.. wish i can press on.. feelin very dried n down.. headache comin to knock me out.. liaoz. Gotta press on.. all the way.

Today

Well... two days of able to wake up early to do my qt. n stuff. The battles still rages in me.. continuing the way God wants is tough.. many a times feel like cryin.. guess its never easy to be filled with the Spirit.. somehow feel tt i am in control by sinful desires.. God, i admit.. i can never be able to withstand all tis stuff without yer help.. Its only you who can help me.. grant me strength, to resist the ways tt arent pleasing to you Lord.

Feeling very depressed.. lost. Was lookin thru, the newspaper on the health. See the article.. somehow reminded of the painful past.. does it help.. i dunno. Lookin at myself now.. i feel even more demoralised.. Condition seems to be gettin worst each day.. jus feel like diggin a hole n hide in there.. mind is being bombarded by lotsa of things.. mostly feelings cause by the past.. i guess. Suppressed deep inside.. e hurt, pain coming out.. Rejection is something i really feel.. due to my sickness.. sometimes pple on the surface seems okay, but their eyes n body reaction kinda betrays it. i really dunno.. really dunno... wats things going to be like.. it simply hurts...

Growing up...

Sweet memories of being a child
Young, bashful, playful, innocent
Rash, daring, cheerful, energetic
All the laugther, all the fun
All the tears, all the dreams

Wouldnt it be great if one could remain as a child
Holding the hands of parents
Showered with love
Proctected from the world
Daydreaming was a norm

Looking back and looking forward
Wheres the innocent joy, laughter, dreams
Dreams are lost, many are not achieve
Toil, stress, pain beseiges non stop
Exposed to the ruthless world

Wouldnt it be great to have the innocence of a child
Boy, really miss those carefree days =)

hmmm...

Today another day has gone by.. Finally after 1 wks of procrastination.. i woke up at 0730.. jus hope tis will be a new start for me. Sometimes thing i do i also dunno whether i doing the rite thing or not. Haiz... Meet up with Justin discuss camp stuff with him.. tough job.. well like i say being lobo is the pt.. Everything is picking up.. camp proceeding on.. kinda stress up.. hav not been sleepin well too. so much things to do in a short time... Given a opportunity to get a job.. but thinking abt kaleo camp.. didnt even try to go for it.. rite choice.??? dunno. Got a bad headache today on the way home.. quite bother.. with my sickness.. gettin on my nerves.. parents also affected by it.. how long is it going last.. Lord.. facin it is tough. sometimes i wonder how long can i endure it..

If goin overseas.. will it be good for me?? Thinkin abt the ridicule, stares, etc.. by pple.. doesnt help at all. Sometimes jus feel like a freak walkin ard.. Lookin at all my frens.. sometimes wish i was them.. somehow e greatest obstacle preventing me from changin is my sickness ba.. losing self confident.. heart sinkin down.. wats gonna things be..

Do i love God?

Reading thru Eph. 5. Strucked me again.. like being slapped in the face again. Worldly or Spiritual christian am i. Its the obvious... worldly still i am.. Knowing wats right n wrong.. but still foolishly i chose to do the wrong things.. even my heart wants to do the right thing. Even as i was doing masterlife.. simply felt the forces pullin me on both sides.. struggling, jus feel like closing the book n give up.

Daily bread... another slap.. Do i love God?? Above clearly shows tt i dont.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength." —Mark 12:30

Been like telling myself love God, love God.. but it doesnt seems so.. jus words but no action being done at all. Situation is escalating, walk with God is being affected. Am i goin continue on like this.. i cant..

how jiu how jiu.....

Finally guess everything is okayz liaoz.. ba. Said wat i need to say.. done wat i need to do.. as well liaoz.. Glad tt everything turn out fine. Thank God. Thought i might still be feelin abit strange but guess thing will turn out.. better as each day passing by.. Bascially now really need to get back on my feet again esp for my walk with God.. really gettin stagnant.. haiz.

Tat day pc wedding.. glad tt he settle down with the girl whom he loved.. The journey ahead for him is gonna be even tougher. wishin him all the best. As for me.. kinda wonder, will i ever get married at all. Lookin at myself.. haiz. dunno.. frightening sight. Well.. jus hav to leave it to God ba.. He's still the One tt hold my tomolo n my hand.. who else can i depend on except Him... indeed

Finally today decided to see doc.. cause vomited in the morning.. so decided better go see doc, partly also becos of someone as well.. stupid rite.. The powerful combi of flu, cough, fever, plus some stomach wind.. sian sia. now waiting for time to eat my medication then go and sleep liaoz.. Also hoping to be able to see her online as well.. Got the feelin like long time nvr see her like tt.. though its only couple of days.. silly boy... guess its normal. Brrr.. feelin very cold.. fever coming back again... well at least i can get better nite rest n sleep.. but i rather remain healthy instead of sick... jus wait n see how ba..

wah.. fallin sick feel so terrible.. flu on on off.. feelin cold n feverish. haiz.. too bad tt sat slept in the air-con room now kena e flu virus.. dunno who my dad or frm someone else. Had a great time.. with e guys.. n gals on fri nitez.. late supper.. seems like some hidden agenda going on.. during then. Somehow i think i am involve in it.. haiz.. things seems alot better.. at least i know wat i am going to do.. liaoz.. but kinda nervous abt it.. well... tellin her but so far not much chance... well.. jus have to wait on for e chance to come.. still kinda miss her though.. haha.

Sat, had a great game of basketball.. really enjoyed.. it. tt probably blow up my sickness.. cause in the morning already got e stupid flu.. but dunno y still continue to play.. cheeky i guess.. jus hope tt my condition gets better over the days.. next wk is pc wedding thingy liaoz.. really glad for him. He mus be super excited n nervous i guess.. haha. Wonder if mine will ever come.. sia. lookin at myself.. haiz.. wat ever.. gonna turn to God for everything.. He has the best plan available at the moment.. jus tt i mus constantly focus on Him... Worst thing to happen is one ear in e other ear out.. how many things i learn have i applied into my life.. lookin at it.. like nothing at all.. feel shameful n guilty abt it as well... haiz.. my nose now is like a tap.. flowing non-stop. better go rest early tonite ba..

In need of a haircut.. untidy n irritating. Tomolo definitely need to cut my hair. Finally make up my mind to tell her, though it will be better to say to her face to face over drinks n food.. which i think its impossible. She's always so busy.. really hard to meet up with her or maybe fact is she doesnt want to at all.. feel tis way. but i really dunno. Well.. the heart is indeed extremely heavy, draggin it longer makes it even more worse.. Also dunno y recently feel so hungry even i have eaten quite a lot of food liaoz.. need to cut down on food n weight.. haiz..

Jus hope i could settle e issue in my heart once n for all. really mus jia you... God need yer help.. really need courage n strength.. clear minded, will power..

Tears

Brings e glitter in the eyes...
Brings comfort to the eyes...
Can be tears of joy...
Can be tears of pain...

Tears of joy....
Happiness, hope, love, cheerfulness follows....
Infects everyone, sharing the joy....
Brings a smile, brightens up the day....

Tears of pain...
Hurt, sorrow, sadness, confusion, despair...
Affects everyone around...
Day seems moody and dark...

Tears release the emotionals inside us...
Be it joy or pain...
In pain, tears sometimes enable us to see things clearer in perspective...
Tears brings comfort to the eyes, moisturises it, wash away the dirt....

Sometimes tears just wouldnt come...
So where's the tears when we need them the most...
Sometimes, there no answer to the question...
Well, just be glad that we can have tears...

Interview today... well, its jus between the agency and me. Got a another offer as a receptionist.. jus hope all things goes well.. let God decide whether i get the job or not.. Time gettin shorter.. next month nov. counting down liaoz.. At least feeling slightly better today... wondering how is she?? Hope she still cheerful, with tt beautiful smile on her face still. =) Jus hope one day i can jus tell her everything.. let the stone in my heart be removed.. ba. Not easy as i hope it will be.. but gonna have to try... wat r e repercussions.. i really have no idea.. Jus have to trust God...

Cooking.. haiz.. cooked vegies.. end up some of them "chao ta" really need to buck up men.. if not.. family will suffer eatin e food.. feel so paiseh.. Well.. practice makes perfect, jia you ba.. boy..

Signz... msn died on me.. ahhh.. cant believe.. it happen tis way. Well.. guess its a break frm my normal routine of tt.. haha. Tomolo interview, hope things go well.. n get a temp job.. also hope i can go for the kaleo camp if i manage to get the job. Sun was great.. games... well, enjoyed myself.. great workout.

well.. at e end of the day flash back of some sad memories came back into my mind.. Dunno whether it jus coincidental or it came back into my mind for a reason.. Well.. jus feel moody again.. moody, moody, moody.. ahh.. get back up... haiz..

Egrpzz

Interesting.. Dr Lim lead.. fung han busy with work.. Questions to ponder upon.. "wats keeping me from serving God fully?" Thinking abt being God's temple.. our body.. As Dr Lim mentioned tt tis body is leased to us by God, its like Ark of the Covenant. All the more we should treat it with respect, taking good care of it. Hmmm cant remember where e verses stated abt worst punishment for continual sins.. scary.. Time to wake up.. n buck up!!

Jobs... kinda gettin on my nerves.. liaoz. Tryin to find a job seems so hard and tough.. Markets bad, mom not happy with me stayin at home.. Been tryin but seems like everything is shunning me, haiz. Well jus have to leave it to God. Feel much relieved today.. worries are still there but lesser.. glad she better, thk God.

Diff. times, diff things happens ard.. jus hav to be more observant lah.. now guess it abt i try to sort out my own stone in my heart.. tough dunno how to go abt doin it. Jus feel so silly at times... hope tonite will be a good nite of rest. Hope it is also well over for her as well. =)

Realise something.. i am gonna be a very bad hair dresser.. tried to help my mom dyed her hair.. think end up dyeing her scalp instead. Another day.... time seems to be flying by fast...

Suddenly feel so lost n confused.. know tt God is there.. the burden in my heart needs to be cleared.... heavy hearted, how am i going to approach it... Hide it, push it aside, it definitely will come back again.. which might jus make things so much worst... Got so much things in mind.. jus wanted to let out.. but it jus cant form into words... feel like being torn apart.. by emotionals. Believe God will bring me thru.. jus have to abide n wait.

God's Love

Love letter, hmmm....
Heartbeat increases, cheeks blush...
Who could have sent it...
Thoughts, imagination runs wild...
Who could the person be.....
Arent it exciting and mysterious...
Jus only a love letter....

Imagine a love letter from God...
Already sent and addressed to us...
Where, how, did i misplaced it....
How did it go unnoticed, such a important letter...
It not gone, non-unnoticed, its right before us...
Its none other then God's ten Commandments...
It is the display of our Father's love...
It is not chains that bound us and lock us down...

It is simple guidelines for our life...
Bringing us closer to God...
Teaching us to listen, obey, love Him...
So that we will not live a life that brings us to utter destruction...
Search my heart oh Lord, remove any things that is displeasing you...
Create in me a pure heart, Lord.
That I will learn to treasure your Words in my heart...
That i will not sin against you...
Renew and restore me...
Forgive me of my sins and transgressions...

Knowing that this world will not last...
Teach me Lord to seek things that are eternal...
From you Lord, flows the river of life...
Whoever drinks of it will never be thirsty again...
How great is Your love for us...
That You send yer One and Only Son to die on the cross for us...
For us, He bear all the sins and iniquity on Himself...
Washes us clean with His blood...
Rising unto heaven on the third day...

All the things You have done for us is becos of love...
So many times we have sin, neglected, turned away...
Breaking Your heart so many times...
But becos of Your love for us..
You never give up, continuing to love and forgive us...
Thank you Lord for all you have done for us...
Teach me Lord to love you more...

=(

Really seems like this period of time.. things jus simply goes from bad to worst.. Everyone seems to be going thru transition in life.. Been feeling really downcast and moody, day by day... seems never ending. Even when i am able to sleep.. its doesnt seems to help much.. next day feeling sick and more tired then ever.. Jus dunno... haiz..

Everyday, mental battle jus rages on...
Wondering when will it never come to an end....
Sleepless nitez, heartaches, headaches follow suit...
Emptiness, loneliness, sadness seem to add on...

Imagination, thoughts on rampant, battering the tired mind...
Pondering, thinking, wondering why, how...
Whats and where the solutions and options...
Stand down, take control, forget, shut down....

Emotions, just the thought of it is enough to stress out...
Feeling always there, good and bad...
Liking a person, thinking abt a person, caring, worrying for her...
Will it end up being oppressive, pushing and cornering the person...
Should there ever be a limit in the care, concern, worry...

To protect her heart...
To prevent stumbling her...
To prevent being a mental burden in her life...
To prevent being a pain...
To be there for her.....

Am i the one for her...
Do i deserve her full attention....
Am i the one she will marry...
Will i be able to provide and give to her security, home, etc....
Will i still love her ten - twenty years down the road...

Questions, its never ending....
Simply miss her....
Hoping to see her....
Hoping that she will be happy, keeping the beautiful smile on...
Wishing her good sleep, health, happiness...
Praying that she will find the man that is for her...

Thinking back, many chances, opportunities...
Are they wasted...
Coming to the bare truth again...
Who in control of my life...
God should be the focus...
He knows how we feel...

Praying to Him for answers and solutions...
Either Yes, No, Wait...
God is trying to protect us...
Preventing us from making stupid mistakes that hurt both parties...
Just have to trust and wait upon the Lord...
For He's the only one that can help me master my emotions...

Thoughts??

East Coast Park.... nice place to go to... sun, sea and sand. Seems like lotsa of things are happening.. kinda sad and worryin as well... Enjoyed the games n the fellowship..

Sittin at the break water there.. pening down thoughts.. time gettin shorter each day. Soon it will be nov... lookin on to the day i will be leavin for my studies, somehow.. feel excited n scared. So many things.. mus let go, really find it hard to accept. So many words.. so many thoughts.. jus dunno where to start.. Jus couldnt mouth the words out.

Lookin at the sea.. today.. thoughts started rollin back.. Sea itself is frightening... remember at port dickson.. camp. Standing at the sea there.. watchin the waves roll onto the shore wettin my feet. Sense a deep sadness.. starin at the waves.. feelin sorrows being drown away. Suddenly had e urge to jus wade deeper.. in.. Thought of death... seas seems to be calling out to me.. askin me to walk deeper in. When in pri. sch.. statin thinkin abt death.. going to hell, havin to go thru all the torture.. cried real badly.. But when its bright.... the sea really looks so safe n peaceful.. Seems like my worries are back again...

Feel so drained... yesterday nite didnt sleep at all.. .men grp early in the morning.. stoned liaoz.. Jus now went for the seminar on successful learning.. quite interesting, learnt things applicable in life and studies, careers, stuff.

Today in Men grp.. hmmm.. indeed, this chapter seems quite more for marriage.. guess frm there as mention by pastor.. theres something to learn.. so in prepare for the future as well as now. Learning to be humble, resolute, sensitive, taking the step foward, doing wat is required for us to do.. Fact Jian Shin... mention abt.. the motives behind doing all tis.. if doing jus for the sick of feel good.. n personal reasons.. guess its really wasting.. in the end we will get tired.. n ask "wat e point for doing all tis..? "Y mus i do tis.??" As a matter of fact we need to hav the focus on God instead of our ownselves.. Everyone is tired... today. be it whether we sleep well or not.

Yesteday nitez... even with blank mind still cant sleep.. thoughts jus rushed ard.. headache coming back again.. Start to think abt her again. Simply jus miss her =) sounds quite stupid n silly.... Fri. nitez. watch movie hopin tt the headache will go away.. but it seems always to be there.. feelin heavin headed.. Now eyes are also bloodshot. liaoz.. feel kinda feverish.. flu attack.. hope i will be okay tomolo.. tt God will heal me.. as well. haiz..

Fingerprints

Fingerprints, who doesnt have...
Unique in its way, different finger different prints..
Part of our body, lives....
Fingerprints for security purposes,
Fingerprints for identification,
Fingerprints for ownership...

Food, items, stuff...
Imagine seeing fingerprints all over it...
Sight of it makes us uncomfortable....
Ever cross our mind, we are covered with fingerprints....
Whose fingerprints are we covered with.....
Even thought of it, yucky isnt it....

Ownership is the clue...
God created us thus He own us...
We are covered with fingerprints of our Creator...
From dust we were created...
Given the breathe of life...
Alive we become...
Sinful we become, separated from God...
Till Jesus came, and die for us...
Reunited with God through Jesus our Saviour...

Formed and knitted we are by Him in our mom's womb..
Fearfully, wonderfully made are we...
Intricately woven we are...
Our frame, every single detail, He knows...
How lovely and caring our Creator is...
How wonderful is His works...

Trials, obstacles, crossroads...
Pain, sadness, worries blinded us...
Tears filled our eyes, broken hearted we are...
Questioning God we sometimes do...
Sometimes silence really hurts...
Where is God, sometimes He jus seems so far away...

Difficults times in life may be tough...
Unnerving it seems...
Hopeless, despair seems never ending...
But He is always with us...
It may not seem so to us...
But the fingerprints are the proof..

Moulded, refined are we by God...
Through difficult times, trials, obstacles,
We learn to trust God, become closer to God...
Perserverence, endurance, trusting God...
Remain steadfast, stand the test...
To grow in Christ likeness...
God knows whats best for us, and He has does things for our good...

All we are master pieces of God...
Unique and different, perfectly planned...
Fashioned by God's own hands...
God is still working on us...
With great care, skill, love, attention...
Focusing on every little detail...

Covered we are with God's fingerprints...
Thinking of it, arent it assuring...
That God is changing and moulding us everyday...
Safe hands we are in...
All the more we should glorify Him...
Showing Him our gratitude...
Giving thanks always...
Glory, honour to God always, Thank You God!!

Today..

Another has passed.. today dinner was great.. kinda western.. haha. Cooking can be so much fun after all.. oil sputtering, smell of cooked food.. mmmm.. yum yum. Saw my dad came back.. he still sick.. n he is also havin bad diahearrea. Now really gettin worried.. prayed n hope tt God will heal n strengthened his body n health...

looks like i also cannot make it liaoz.. yesterday nite having problems sleepin again. ahh.. worst still my body reacted badly n now in worst of condition. Some worries jus simply wont go away it seems.. seein my dad n mom both also havin health problems worries me alot.. If i am overseas.. whose gonna be ard for them.. spend time with them.. accompany them. Couple of months more.. everything will be starting.. soon. Everything settled i will be flyin off in late jan i think.

Thinking of the pple i will be leavin behind.. now startin to miss them liaoz.. kinda startin a new life over there is tough.. unknown, blur, foggy... everything seems so unsure. every path i take... it meant a big deal... one wrong step... wat will happen.. haiz. can only turn to God., trusting Him.. for provision, vision, protection. All tis yrs.. He was with my family and me.. all the way.. even when i wasnt a christian.. its really a miracle tt i am still sitting and typing away.. =) thk God..

Now.. i feel more peaceful.. though worries are there.. as for her, fact tt she is sleep better, more cheerful.. really feel more glad. Thing is she still moody.. haiz.. Still e same for me.. dunno how long tis gonna really last.. Thing tt hav to be done.. has to be done.. jus hav to do it..

Sitting at the table, staring blankly at his com..
Moodiness fills him up, another day has passed...
Thoughts rush thru his mind, past, present and the future...

Past...
Mistakes made, lessons learnt, failure and success...
'God has brought him thru, never once leaving him alone..
Building from past experience, he moves on..

Present...
the life he is living.. changing as he grows..
Everyday is a learning process..
Obstacles, trials, cross roads....
He dealt with them one by one...

Future...
He tries to look ahead...
Ambitions, dreams, planing he has made...
Young as he was, guided by family....
Day has come.. He is no longer a teenager..
Adult hood beckons him on..
Thrown into the world...
Facing unknown circumstances...
Every step, every path, every decision seems crucial..
Every time he look ahead.. everything seems so blur, foggy...
Fear, worries, concern gripped him..
But hope is always there..
As he thought through...
All the years, God has brought him through difficult times in his life..

Turning to God...
He knows he is in safe hands...
God is the someone he can always turn to....
Loving and caring, providing...
God is only a prayer away...
Theres only one set of footprints in the difficult times of his life..
Because God has carried him thru those period..
For God is ever loving, caring, merciful..
Great is Thy loving kindness, and compassion...
Thank God...
----------------------------------------------------

So long...

Hmm quite sometime seen i put my thoughts in.. Really thk God for e tears i shed... was ministered durin Don Moen concert.. indeed a great concert.. Eyes open.. n emotionals released..
Been a long long time since i cried... e released came at e rite time... God provided n brought me thru lotsa of storm.. lifted me, soared above n over e storms in my life..

Thk God for a wonderful and caring family.. fact is i still miss her alot.. guess its normal. Well.. i jus wan continue to be there for her in any ways i can.. Protecting her heart, not causing her to stumble, nor be a burden to everyone but a blessing. Really prayed tt she will always be happy.. =)

End of the wk coming...

Time breezes pass real fast... yesterday like nvr sleep like tt.. thk God for answering prayers.. Hmmm tonitez seems like a tough nite for me again... feelin the toil of tiredness. At least God give me rest in the evening time.. doze.. off for 2 hrs.. suddenly awake.. again.. mind started being active once again..

Still miss her... wat can i say. Yesterday type halfway.. stupid browser change lost all my typin arrhh.. hmm tomolo egrp n sat will be men grp plus St John reccee.. first time going there.. kinda excited though.. Will tonite be another sleepless nitez.. seems to me e nite is still young..but i not young anymore leh haha.. Jian shin Qn.. very good question to ask abt "Y".. been pondering over it.. convince myself. abt it.. seem tough.. Believe God will provide me a way to handle it.. Jus hav to keep prayin.. trusting, obeyin God in all tt i do..


Psa 119:105 Nun. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Psa 23:1 A Psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psa 23:2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
Psa 23:3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Psa 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psa 23:5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Psa 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Better Day, thk God!

Phew.. today seems much much better.. thought i still am fighting a mental warfare..
Yeah.. but slowly i believe God will bring me thru tis period of cross road.

Enjoyed e game of badminton.. sadly i worsen some of my injuries.. ahh.. okay lah.. at least i can stretch myself abit.. haiz.. putting on a lot of weight mus lost more Weight!! Sinful.. today still eat so much food.. ahh.. now super bloated..

Sending of Mr n Mrs Lee.. woo. wat a big crowd.. i see also *glup* really wish them all the best in e trip.. God be with them providing them with guidance, wisdom, protection as well. Interestin nite as well.. uncle justin car died.. wah.. push e car till like wanna collaspe.. legs achin madly.. Surprise.. Lynn help to push car n serve us drink.. wow.. haha.. so bad. May she hav a good rest tonite.. tomolo still got work. =) Other thing to thk God is tt Uncle justin is safely.. home. JUs hope tt his car left on the road side will be safe..

Time flies... nov is coming.. liaoz. medical.. checkup, n stuff wondering whether i can successfully clear it n get my visa.. If i leave my parents.. i really pray hard tt they will be okay n fine.. The two of them alone in sg.. cant help but be worried for them.. Gettin on age.., health also failin them.. they hav not receive Christ yet. Really hope i can pick up courage to share with them... e gospel.. I really hope i can be a good testimony for them.. tt my changed life will hav a good impression on them.. God love can be shown to them thru me..

Thoughts are still rushin thru my head.. wheezin pass.. round n round.. headache also comin back.. wah.. hope i wont worry too much for her n other stuff, tt i can hav a nite of sleep...

Falling Sickz..

Ahh.. finally fallin sick after such a long time.. God has been pushin me thru.. n helpin me.. all the time. Thk you God.. Come to the point of breakin down liaoz.. how i wish tears will fall.. but it jus cant seem to fall at all..

arhhh.. really need to outlet.. To tell her or not...

Chorezz...

Phew.. doing household chores can be so tiring.. vaccumming floors, windows, furniture.. mopping the hse.. Can feel my mom frustration when she doing all the work all by herself. Thk God for the chance and experience tt i hav.. at least i can help her lightened her burden by jus tt bit.

Will definitely work on doing a better job... though.. Learning to be a house man isnt as easy i thought it will be. Well.. while doing the chores.. i can spend time thinking abt things in life as well. Theres a need for me to trust in God more..

Good news.,.. yesterday i manage to sleep.. though i am still tired. but at least i get e previous sleep i need.. Thinking abt her is will but ponderin on it so much is useless. Life must still go on. Goals set is need to be achieve.. no matter. Prayin tt i can sort all tis things out before i make my study trip.. time short.. n flyin real fast..

Lord, restore onto me a heart tt is pure n longing for you. Let me not sin against you again.
May i be a good testimony for others and my family too Lord.

End of the day...

Hmm.. been wondering how many days of sleepless nitez.. hav i been through.. Today spend the whole day fixing up my com.. success! Now my dad's com is still problematic.. ahhh.. Not going to give up on fixing it up.. though...

Seems like my mind is ever thinking.. kinda scare as each day goes by.. At least i know that i can still turn to God. Havin a burden inside my heart.. eveynite its e same thing.. Worried about my family.. fact of going overseas.. They will be here alone, worried for their safety. Relationship.. =( tis is one area which i can never do well in.. Jus simply dunno how to handle it.. I always end up hurtin pple ard me.. Am i to tell her everything i feel?? Somehow i feel that she already knows abt my feelings toward her.. Maybe its really the time for her to know? how will she react.. i really dunno..

Liking someone.. and the need to protect her heart, n not let her be hurt.. its really tough..
Dear Lord, i really pray tt i will not cause her to stumble.. neither will i cause her to hurt and be a burden in her life.. Jus really feel bad when she tease becos of my presence.. Somethings are beyond wat our own human mind and strength but only way is to trust n commit it to God.

The Man

All alone, sat a man by himself,
Heart torn apart by sadness, failure, confusion, pain..
A perfect storm tats destructs everything,
Darkness and coldness strucks him unprepared,
Broken, beaten, left to ponder upons e reasons.

Hopes and dreams dash, everything greyed...
Everyday was a drag, trodding along..
Despair, hurt, pain, tearful nitez..
One day, he says "I mustl not cry anymore!"
Indeed, he keep his tears, determine to rebuild his life.
Turning to God, he pray and asked wisdom and guidance..

Everyday passes still, bounded by the past...
Wounds in the heart hurt, day by day his feelings numb away..
But God continued carry him thru all the tough times...
God send friends, using His Word to encourage him, pushin him on..
The man tried but jus doesnt know how to let go, till one day he shut himself..
Ever loving, ever caring, ever faithful, God refuse to give up on the man...
He whispers to the man through friends, bible, church sermons and many ways..
"Come to me, my child.. I know that you are tired, sad"
"In Me, you will find refudge, strength, recovery"

The man prayed, continue to work on rebuilding his life through God..
Many times, he disappointed God but God never give up on him..
God continue to love and guide the man in his life..
And today, the man has rebuilt part of his life with help of God..
Now, he knows that God is always there and listening to his prayers..
Trials in life may be painful but persevere and press on..
Its a refining process, character building process that make man more Christ like...
Even the biggest, most perfect storm might jus come..
But with God around, we can rest in Him for He loves and cares for everyone..
Tears still fall but its of hope and gladness,
for the man knows God is everything he has never needed..
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Deu 32:10 "He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.
Deu 32:11 Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions,
Deu 32:12 the LORD alone guided him, no foreign god was with him.

Isa 40:28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.
Isa 40:29 He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Isa 40:30 Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;
Isa 40:31 but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Hmmm

Another day has passed.. thk God tt I was given more rest then i expected.. Cant imagine meeting pple at 0730.. end up waking up at tt time.. Thk God tt they are understanding.. well still make it to church late.. better then dont go at all ba.

hmm.. maybe its a good thing i didnt wear e shirt.. somehow jus felt tt she will be wearing e same colour.. . Guess it at least prevent teasing on both sides ba... Jus cant help but wonder did i do something wrong today.. did i hurt her feelings.. I really dunno... Something seems to be bothering her alot.. well.. maybe i jus not e person she can talk to.. hmmm.. Thing changes very fast.. seems like yesterday. Wat a mental battle i had today...

But still thk God for things in my life.. a training process.. =)

Tired, sick, headache.... bloated mind. haha

Last nite.. cant even sleep at all.. Kinda worry for her end up cant sleep even after stop thinking of stuffs.. will tonite be another sleepless nitez..

Haiz.. am i doing the rite thing.. Is standing down an option for me? Been tryin, so hard. Cant help but wonder am i causing her lotsa of problems in addition to wat she already has?? Jus dunno wat to do. Having feelings for somebody.. but controling it is tough.. emotions kinda torturing at times.. haha. Being like n liking someone is jus as painful n headache.. Really hope i can handle tis thing well.. n not cause any problems, n end up hurtin feelings of others.

Big Bro's B'day n stuffz!

Hmmm.. today hav quite a fun time.. being poked at haha(as usual).. Never feel so blur before, dont seems to be myself at all. Glad to see everyone enjoyin e celebration.. by rite we should be payin instead end up e bday boy paid for everything. Cant help but wonder who is the "wang wang" person PC is refering.. feelin kinda stupid.. today too.

Thankful for my gang of bros.. bun, bert, pc.. known them since sec.. fun bunch. Today also went to sell.. stuff to cash converters.. hmmm nvr once realise tt it can be so fun.. (-_-") Thk God for PC who help us.. heez..

Another Dayz......

Phew....time zooms past fast. Another nite of sleepin problems.. in fact i dunno. Emotions.. a gift from God. Without them probably be a dull n dumb person.. like a walkin robot only reactin to commands n rules.. no will or ability to think for oneself but jus listen to instructions.

Hmm... when will i ever learn to not let my emotions overtake me n make myself do things harmful to others n myself. Wish i could always use my emotions to honour God n help others. Thk God, for all tt He has done n provided for me. He's always my refudge n strength n He always carry me thru when life is at the lowest.

"Give me the bible when my heart is broken.
When sin and grief has filled my soul with fear,
Give me the precious words Jesus spoken.
Hold up faith's lamp to show my Saviour near"

Lord, teach me to turn to you always and tt remind me bible is the yer Word n tt is where i can learn more abt you.

Wat a mindful...

Life strange.. nvr expected it to come so fast.. Seems like going mad, one after another wave bashing. Should hav realise tt it will come knockin at e door of the heart.

Thoughts flyin thru e mind.. how long can a person handle it... results in sleepless nitez.. will it ever end?? Wish i could jus let go n commit it to God.. turning to my refudge, strength.. without Him probably would hav gone mad. haha. No matter how hard i tried, it jus comes back again...