Feeling very sad.. n down.. y i wonder. The big "WHY". Maybe its becos of tt.... probably.. i guess.... haiz..

visits...

Today, went back to my camp to visit colleages n frens.. Been a long time since i step into mindef again.. the fun n better times flooded into my mind.. like i said.. would miss the pple n place.. but not the work there.. its nice to be able to see them again. Not much hav change.. only thing is tt many pple r ording liaoz.. finally their time have come.. still there are those.. who jus enter not long.. well they should be thankful tt its been cut short..

had a short chat with one of my officers.. he mention tt catch up with frens.. now.. cause going over there.. things will change.. probably lost contact with lotsa of pple.. everyone has moved on.. so much changes.. moment u are back. U feel like a total stranger... totally blur.. feelin is like u are intruding into other pple privacy like tt. then everything will be back from scratch again... dunno will see.. when the time comes. =)

Some Happier Moments

Isn't it like a dream.... thought of going overseas to study.. Nvr really thought it will happen.. been thinking abt it... quite long back.. in the end jus push it to one side.. (something tt will nvr happen). Looking now... its so near... the dream coming thru.. remember the song.. "leaving on a jet plane"

I'm leaving on a jet plane..
dunno when i'll be back again...

sounds real.. haha. in a dream state now.. yesterday couldnt sleep.. now stoned.. haha. tonite.. another nite of sleepless?? Wait n see. =)

Painful.....

Got so much things to write huh.. haiz. Yesterday eveyrthing was fine. when reach home... suddenly condition seems flaring up.. but didnt realise it. Hungry so went down with bro for supper.. things really got bad after tt.. couldnt sleep for the whole nite.. wat happen did i eat something wrong or ?? i jus cant understand. It happened so quickly... whole nite was so uncomfortable.. itch unbearable.. today.. haiz.. gettin stares frm pple am i a exhibit?? failin in my project.. now tryin to salvage the situation. Dun have the skill, n equipment tts y.. haiz..

Its was a very painful bathe, the wounds hurt... e pain was unbearable to the pt. where tears start to flow... Jus cant help but wonder when will tis stop.. Could see the hurt, frustrations in my parents... becos of my sickness. Somehow its seems like i am a mental burden to them.... becos of my condition.. mom refuse to let me help her in hse chores... now. Somehow feel so useless, everything cannot do.. only sit ard.. do mu stuff, watch mom toil.. She's already comin to 50.. If only this illness of my can be cured.. No one in the family suffers frm it.. jus me, freak case... practically everyday is a painful day..

The pain that often frustrates...
To the point of extremes at times...
Complaints, anger and irritation....
Release come in form of many...
To questioning God....
Even to cursing God at times...
But who has felt the pain...
Of the One who was hang on the cross...
For the all our sins...
The thing He say was "Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."

Memories..

Was packing to my stuff.. tis morning.. rummaging thru the letters... wah.. i got one box full of them.. somehow have to clear up. Brings back lotsa of memory.. of pri n sch.. interest.. seems like my pri memories are much sweeter n better then sec. Hmmm seems like sec sch is troubled yrs.. regrets, hurts, pain, fun, joy.. pple say sec yrs are the best.. maybe. Not much good memories it seems.. more like hurting other pple.. haiz. its over liaoz.. sometimes jus wish i could make amends to what had happen...

Something which has been in my heart for a long time.. one of regrets in my life. If only time can be turn back.. had a auntie, i was yer favourite. She would bring me ard.. buy things for me.. play n keep me company.. Its then news tt she was suffering frm cancer reach my ears.. young i was didnt realise the seriousness of e matter. Frm then seldom get to see her. as she was in malaysia for treatment. When she back in sg, didnt reallly bother to visit her. One day.. was havin slight fever.. parents say they going to visit her.. but i didnt giving the excuse tt i was tired.. fact is tt i already recover jus wanted to stay at home n do my own stuff. I really regret doing tt.. next time rd news came she passed away..

I was totally shock at the news.. i didnt get to see her the last time... my auntie wanted to see me.. but i jus didnt care.. if only i had went tt day.. if only. No words to describe wats inside.. i still feel it till now.. haiz. shall stop here, dunno whether will start cryin or not.. if continue..

Rush hr...

Y rush hr.. look now its already 25th.. liaoz.. how many more days to go.. ?? 20 more to go.. including today.. minus the time i wont be in sg.. its 13 more... time zooms so fast. Wat are the feelings inside me.. i really dunno how exactly i feel. But the feeling is already almost at my door step. Now is really a rush... for me. tomolo.. need to start clearin my closet up.. for cny n studies, hs moving.. all in a short. the project.. hope i can finish it up.. really turning to God for help in tis.. really want to complete it.. something which i really wish to complete...

Leaving for malaysia next wk.. somehow jus wish i could jus stay in sg.. for cny tis year. haiz.. i dunno, startin to feel sad.. as the day draws nearer.. n excited as well.. such a rojak feeling.

TUESDAY WITH MORRIE...

Something tt capture me.. didnt really look closely at it.. well.. somehow jus read the chap. again.. then saw it. Below are the words:

"Morrie approach was exactly opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It wont hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "alright, it's just fear, I dont have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."

In some ways, its better then numbing myself, lettin it run through, definitely will know wat it is for.. but in the end.. upon realising it.. do watever its needed.. n move on, its definitely not rite to be stuck there all the time.. move on..

another part.. tt comes before the above one..

"How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we dont let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we dont say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship."

Doesnt the above sounds familiar to a certain extent.. it does. Guys how often do we cry.. or to the pt of cryin but somehow we jus dont let tears come at all.. pride.. rather bleed then cry.. i really wonder who come out with tis.. even we guys need a time to cry.. but not openly where no one knows..

Relationships.. the words tt doesnt come out at all. So much push away.. n stack upon one another in the corner somewhere inside... wats its all abt.. unable to say out the words.. selfish, no confidence, or simply fear of rejection or to the pt of losing a frenship... so many possible ans. Everyone face it too (male, female). yupz... mind is full of stuff.. -_-"" does it really get lighter wheni write more stuff out.. haha.. i wonder..??

sat nitez dream...

sat nitez.. have this very strange dream. Quite a emotional nite for me.. dunno how many nitez.. barely sleep.. even after taking pills tt will cause drowsiness. Back to the dream...

Scene on a train....
Its a train to heaven... with some frens... was on the train moving towards the destination.. Excited with the fact to be able to see God.. somehow was wondering if tis was the end.. wat abt the rest of my bro and sis... so will i stay uo there permanently.. these kind of thoughts jus run through..

Finally reach there liaoz.. went in search for God.... Well.. it turn out to be like a tea session with God.. after a while manage to reach e place.. suddenly i was holding a very thick book.. dunno where it came from.. somehow it never dawn on me to drop or put e book away.. i saw a middle age lady. immediately, i run up to her n sit down.. on a chair available. "weizhi??" come with a surprise look on the lady face.. "How could you have time to have tea with God..?" "You still holdin the thick book refusing to put it away.." "Go finish e book first?" Rite at the moment i was stunned n wanted to open my mouth.. the lady said these words with sadness "You are always so busy with stuff, no time for God..." "Jus no time for Him".. The next moment tears start to fall.. i jus simply cried.. Its was so real...

It simply speak for itself.. wat is happening. This is a first time i had such a dream.. it seems like a awakening call to me.. yupz..

Pressin on still..

Pressing on still.. hope i will perserve on.. Today, seems like e test come almost immediately.. after late last nite.. i mention i didnt want to numb myself. Given this opportunity.. all i know is lettin it run thru.. is really painful feeling, still running its course. still holding on to God... in tis area.. Press on... hope i wont dwell on the thoughts again... wish it will just disappear. Its a stupid thing.. for me to do... jia you ba..

The pain....

Dear Lord, u are all knowing God.. everloving Father.... You jus know n see everything in my heart.. everything.. Lord, everything.... Lord u know the pain tt is inside my heart.. the cause of it, y do i feel this way... the way i am.. the way i behave... You know it.. Lord, i commit the pain in my heart.. into your hands.. the pain that tears me apart.. tt cause me to cry... to fall apart..

Lord, i really dun want to numb myself anymore.. instead enable me to let it run thru.. n not push it away n hide in my heart again Lord.. if i numb myself.. the likely hood of me numbing to u is also very high. Lord, teach me to turn to you.. in times of good n bad..
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"Father, i can't explain this kind of love, this kind of grace..
I know...I still break your heart and yet You run to welcome me.."

"Father, i love the way You hold me close and said my name..
I know.. when my life is through, my heart will find its home in you"

You have always been faithful, now n forever...

"Certain as the river reach the sea....
Certain as the sun rise in the east...
I can rest in your faithfulness..
Surer than a mother's tender love
Surer than the stars that still shine above..."

Indeed Lord, surely you deserve all our utmost attention, praise, gratitude as well.. but someone i dun seem to be able to do it.. but yet u remain faithful, believing in me.. protecting me, giving me chance after chance.. I am sorry Lord, i am really sorry for all tt i have done.. all the pain tt i have cause to You to feel n go through each time i disobey u.. i am sorry.. Lord.

Wars in life..

Got so much things stuff up there.. but couldnt put it out in words... warfare.. alots of it.. spiritual, physical, mental, emotional.... Everyday is a battle for me.. esp spiritual.. wonder how many times i hav been whack off my feet n fallen so badly.. tt i almost couldnt climb up again.. Couldnt help but think abt wat would happen to my walk with God when i go over there.... in a way alone. No christian buddies, frens ard to physically encourage n travel with me.. Yes.. findin a sound church n grps is a way.. but process of findin one to settle down is hard.. esp when i am in a foreign land.. so i gonna end up running away.. forsaking God in due time?? Its a frightening cause to worry abt..

There something which again i have forgotten.. He knows me, my worries, everything... everything... Today was at the departure briefing.. sitting there talkin to my dad. Suddenly a lady jus sit infront n talk to me. I was shocked n surprise when someone suddenly jus appear out of no where n without realising anything she already infront talkin to me.. :P super blurred look.. after a while realise she was one of the helpers for the briefing n was jus checking out some stuff. Guess wat... she mention she is frm a christian grp helping new students in gettin info n help when over there. God answered my fears.. He has already prepared some contacts.. Its really amazing how God works..

Had a talk with Andy on sun.. during the pot luck.. was asking him how he knows abt calling n stuff.. is it like it drop frm the sky into his mind or in some other way?? he mention tt it requires a person to really walk closely with the Master.. jus a shepherd knows his sheep n the sheep knows the shepherd's voice. Constant n close walk with God.. to the extent the when He calls you will definitely know it.. n start to prepare n gettin confirmation n stuff. It time to pick myself up n prepare for war again.. n not give up n desert halfway..

kitchen warfare

haiz.. e mention of tis really rise my blood pressure. Everytime cook dinner is like fighting a war with the food, woks, pots, pans.... chaotic situation.. yesterday tried.. the macaroni thinggy.. seems like make alot of mistakes throughout.. haiz..is it the size is too big or wat.. =( well, thk God tt food is still edible. Thinking of this.. jus wonder should i be doin the food tomolo. CHeck with bun whether theres lotsa of food.. but he did mention anything but jus say .. jus come, no need to bring food.. hmmm guess it could be a hint.. pls spare our stomach of yer cooking. untrained, no exp. , its like asking them to be guinea pigs..

Yestrday took a total of 3 hrs to do the thing.. be rite should be quite fast but along the way, many things crop up.. then thinking of a way to salvage the food.. well..prayed over it.. God answered my prayer.. no food is wasted... dunno leh. if tomolo really were to do the thing, will e same situation happen again.. more afraid tt its not nice to eat.. then nobody eat.. food gonna be wasted liaoz.. haiz.. should i or should i not??

Think i am falling sick.. feeling very tired. my tonsil seems swollen.. talkin also like no strength at all. haiz.. yesterday nite barely sleep again.. isit becos of worries n other stuff? I really dunno.. everything seem so unclear.. wats causing my sleepless nitez. Lookin at things, the way they are... or in a different perspective.. sometimes, its seem like knowing wat is going on.. but somehow hope its not that way. Dunno how to confirm wat happening.. if its really tt way how am i going to deal with it... headachez.. ahhh.. really coming liaoz..

Jus wish i hav a better way of tackling n handling problems. Learning i am.. but somethings thoughts n emotions drive me to the point of breaking down. My emotions, others, everything jus pile up suddenly, rush of stuff fillin up the mind. Sometimes i wonder do i know wat am i asking for n wat would it be like when i decided to pray for it. Remember theres a sayin. "Why pray for rainy days, if you are going complain abt them" But somehow i dun regret prayin for it.. i might complain time to time though. Jus hav to be more prepare the next time... i guess.

Love of Our Father

Valentine's Day....
A day jus for couples
A day of dread for singles
All the buzz, hype going on

Have we miss out someone
One who has shown love to us
Whose ever faithful, ever loving
Even before we were born

He is none other then God
Always looking out for us
Always forgiving, patient
Always waiting for us to go back to Him

Greatest love shown by God
Day where Christ was born
Bright hope for all people
Bright light for all in the darkness

Day where Christ was nailed
Forgiveness, cleansing came
The pain, suffering
All becos of His love for us

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John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.

Realise only this now, lotsa of time feel very sicknening n like everywhere is couples.. but now i can celebrate valentine day with God. He truely commited n love me alot. Thank you God!

Signz...

last nite.. also dunno wat happen... Throat was irritated n flu came.. feel very sick n cant really sleep. End up eatin clarinase.. it help.. sleep like a pig till 11+ am. been so long since i could be able to sleep again.. but not too happy.. now havin a bad headache.. one side heavy then the other.. how could it be... strange rite but fact is it feels tis way..

Body goin into tired mode.. but sometimes it jus seems so hard to sleep.. so many thoughts, reasons, compilation of everything. Worries maybe a big part... sometimes suddenly jus feel worried due to certain things, but sometimes sense frens, family, pple feeling down, sad., then cannot sleep liaoz.. Tried pushin it away... jus wanted my sleep. Sometimes so tough, a break.. haha kit kat.. haiz.. talkin abt chocolates.. so much at home.. cant even eat a single one.. sadz.. really sadz.. jus becos of tis "MAY CONTAIN PEANUT TRACES!!!!", nuts been drivin me really nuts.. haiz..

Getting it out...

Jus couldnt push it down further n buried it inside my heart n never to be seen, recall again. Surfaced out..y not jus throw it out instead.. will i feel better, maybe.. watever.

Sat.... super tired.. barely awake.. totally zonk out. Always the same thing... unwanted stares frm pple.. condition flare up.. cause not enouf sleep plus plus plus.. Jus becos i dun look as "normal", it seems like a live exhibtion... curious stares cant be avoided..

Bugis.. finally it came.. making my way to art fren. Already feelin so sick n tired but it still hav to come rite at tt time. Escalator there.. two guys, tall n short.. Taller one simply jus stand at the entry of the escalator.. staring at me... frm corner of my eye., the expression on his face was like seeing something out of tis earth kind.. simply ignore n carried on.. He said the words to his fren.."wah, guan gong" loudly.. even thru e blastin of music.. could hear it so clearly.. n he was staring at me all the way. At the point of time, simply wish i could disappear rite away. How long does it take for to jus turn ard n stare at him n ask him a question.?? How long does it take for a punch to be throw out? Less then a minute.. less then a minute. Thank God i didnt react, jus remain silence movin on.

Numbing begins almost at the instance.. seems so natural process for me. Feelings push rite down n buried away inside m heart. Then i was okay again... move on. As usual things arent as nice as it always seems to be. On my way home.. the bottle broke.. it came out. Numbing doesnt works.. Jus becos of the difference.. jus that. Cant they jus be more considerate abt pple's feelings... puttin themselves into the shoes of others. Rite at the moment.. simply feel like cryin n the pain was intense... fighting back the tears.

Simply jus pray to God... wanted to find someone to talk to.. but no one.. soemthings cant be said out.. as it seems. Writing would be a better option at times... Part n parcel of my life.. as it will be.

Harsh,,

Am i too harsh on myself?? or too hard?? Its jus so confusing. Unanswerable still. Its so hard to explain.. things or even understand things.. even now sittin here, am tryin hard, pushin on. i dunno how long i can last. Is things gettin better or now is like i really cant be bother at all or is it i am numbing myself still but dunno i am doin it.

Certain things even changes. Certain changes and will never be the same again.

Faithful God

God knows each winding way I take,
And every sorrow, pain, and ache;
His children He will not forsake—
He knows and loves His own. —Bosch

Choosing to deaden bad feelings eventually deadens our ability to feel good.

Seems to apply much to me.. thk God for daily bread..

Selfish or not???

Cant help but wonder.. would it be consider selfish or is it not.. being a person who is sick.. n to find a gf , get married.. would it be like tying her down to you.. havin to go thru e pain. Would she ever regret it n not tell it to the person.. is tis consider selfish?? be thinking abt it..

Come to the point, y tied a her down when there is so many other better person ard? God provides but human have their own feelings n stuff.. will regrets fill their mind, become frustrated??
marriage nvr seem to be a good thing for me.. God i really dunno..

Looking at the cross
Rugged and stained with blood
Blood which was shed for us
Abundance love, mercy, forgiveness
Displayed thru' Jesus, our Lord & Saviour
Be glory, honour, power be to Him forever, Amen

COnfused

Hmm. jus got home.. frm the sending off of SP family. Dunno wat i am feeling.. but its jus seems tt way.. confused.. feel kinda sad.. isit becos i am leavin also in a month's time.. i really dunno leh.

Well.. tears feel like flowin out. its seems like i am absorbing lotsa of pple's emotions n making me also tearful.. now havin a headache.. Feels kinda funny, sendin them off. but seeing them again in abt a month's time..

Always very scared of crowds.. stand there like blur also dunno wat to do.. kinda overwhelm by the no. Well.. somehow got tis very feeling i will be cryin when i fly over.. wah.. not too gd thing leh.. nan ren liu xue bu liu lei.. tough.. Every man will hav his own time of cryin n sadness. It jus a matter of whether can he endure it.. n not show it.. i wish i could. Gettin nearer each n everyday.. who will i miss.. i really wonder.. it kinda strange at times.. arent.. who do i like now.. haha. stupid thing to ask myself.. haiz..

Farewells

Really emotional time.. for a lotsa of pple. Tears will flowing freely.. It always sad to see pple leaving to somewhere far, especially when you are already know them for so long n become close to one another. Well.. lookin at them.. i start to wonder abt my time.. farewell part.. Jus hope tt i wont cry loh.. kinda frightened by the crowd size. Month's time will be over there for studies.. 2 yrs or more.. Believe will miss my frens over here n my parents. hmm, hopin it will be a joyful farewell.. for my parents its two farewells in a day.. bro n me.. couldnt help but wonder deep inside how they feel. Sad, happy, worry.. somehow they jus wont show it..

Now would be a good time to catch up with frens.. n start informing them of my departure.. meet up with them, stuff like tt.. seems like lotsa of things.. to do.. but in the end actually its nothin much. will see how lah.. haiz

Sitting here still alive...
Even when there are people around me dying...
Christian and non-christian not spare at all...
Due to disaster, accidents, sickness...

But still I am alive...
What have i done to deserve another day to live...
Always disobeying, neglecting God, running away...

Only reason I could think of is His unlimited grace...
His unlimited mercy and love...
Everlasting God, Giver of Life....

Given a new opportunity to turn back to Him...
Will I learn and cherish it...
Or will I remain the sinful way that I am...

Many times i tried...
Many times i fail...
But God never give up on me...

Lord, teach me to treasure You in my heart...
Renew, restore and refine me...
May my life be pleasing in Your sight always...