The long long wait....

Before i start on the main thing... i must say this: I HATE DIARRHEA!!! I REALLY HATE DIARRHEA.. it is jus so irritating. Even now a kettle weights a ton and my whole body feels like I have just finished a marathon.. urgghhh. Shoo diarrhea go away!!!

OKayz.. now back to topic. Its really a long long wait.. looking for jobs and waiting for replies.. everything seems to be so quiet. This transition to montreal isnt easy as i have expected. The amounth faith and trust in God required seeks like sky high and endless. But the bible says a you can move mountains with the faith of a mustard seed. As in not literally, yeah but continue to put my trust and faith in God for His provision. So far, God has been really good and i pass my two theory tests for driving license and now left with the practical test to go.. yeah yeah!!

God also has bless me in my lessons.. and i was able to learn things fast and the instructors have high expectations as well. Glory to God. But still i have to learn to cooperate with God more. Well, my last driving in the night time was a disaster even the instructor got a shock. One thing is i am not ready to drive in the night time yet. But i believe i can do it because God is with me. God has really blessed me with great strict yet friendly instructors.. praise God.. my phobia of evil instructors are dissolved.. heez.

Lesson learnt

Finally, back in the blogging realm again.. its a good rest indeed. haha. Normal events can sometimes be a smack n reminder in the face of things in life and who God is.

Yesterday, was learning driving, the best part moving off from the slope. Geez.. its pretty frightening when the instructor says, let go the brakes, i was like "Noooooo" in my heart.. so i keep stepping on the brakes and he say, "let go the brakes, let go.." Stubbornly, in my heart "Noooooo".. sound alright and correct not to let go off the brakes because its a slope. But the point is if i dont let go of the brakes, how can i even learn how to move off the slope when i am near the top of the slope.

Point 1) There is a instructor in the car
Point 2) The car has two brakes, one on my side and one on the instructor side
Point 3) The stubborn native of myself refusing to let go of the brakes
Point 4) Being overwhelm by the situation and end up focusing on myself

What does all these points add up to?? Simply to say, I felt like I was whack across my head to be awaken by God. "Hey! Wake up dude... where's yer focus?"

Lesson learnt was: Stubborn native of mine often cause me to focus on my situation and myself incapabilities and to the extend that I forget a major point. God is still in the picture, I am like looking through a peep-hole when there is a big view for me to look thru'.

In situation of the driving, it took me a while to realise that "Hey, if i let go of the brakes, my instructor will step on the brakes at the moment where he wants the car to stop and start to let me practice my moving off." Basically, both of us are in a safe situation.

In terms of application in my life with God is alot of times I am still holding on to the brakes when God has already said, "Let go". By being stubborn, i cant learn anything and i end up focusing on the problem. I miss the big picture and God who is in control. There is nothing wrong noticing the risk being there but more importantly I should have focus on God who is greater than the risk. If God has called and shown the way, the risk is nothing because He is in control.

Just worrying doesnt help a single bit in life but worry and pray and trust in God and taking appropiate actions will do alot.

The Battle Part 2

Here's the second part.. heezz.

Battle are literay fought daily n every now and then. So far the battles fought alot are spiritual, emotional, physical (to a certain extend). Psalm 23 come into my mind as part one was being written. Personally, i felt that alot of battle fought are base on my own strength, own abilities and own mental. That is the start of a defeat. Why would i say that? Fighting on the front with my abilities is like pride in a way depending on myself.

At the first, i might be winning away, defeating everything in sight. Victorious I might be but taking into consideration is that how long will i last. I will come to the point of the state where the "soldier totally shattered of hope, even the commander has ran away". Like in many times, OT (King era). Following the ways of man and depending on self, results in falling into many temptations and deviating from God. Even though, its obvious, but history repeats itself like a vicious cycle.

Its like trapped in a whirlpool that keeps dragging you into the centre which will result in disappearing into oblivion. A lot of strength and help is require to get out of it. Even in battles of life, its like a whirlpool effect. At the start, fighting it seems easy on our own but later it turn out that the person is dragged deeper and closer the centre. Not long, it's time to say good bye. God has always open the door for us and not only that He has been reminding and prompting us to depend on Him, trust in Him.

Psalm 23 is one of the verse that can be cling on and as a reminder of who God is. He is not only our shepherd but also the Lord and Commander of a the heavenly army. Even mentioned in NT, the world we fight are not of this world but of the spiritual. So how can we win with worldly equipment and weapons. What we need is God and seek His help.

The battle Part 1

A battle thats needs to be fought. Yet so the soldier worn out by weariness and fatigue. Wondering what would the outcome of the battle. Day after day, night after night, gripping on to his sword and shield. Sweat dripped and flowed down his fore head and brow mixing with the tears. Pain and fear gripped him, wondering when the enemy will strike. Looking around, his comrades, some grimming away, some crying away and some shivering away.

The battle seems to be lost. Everyone seems to have crippled with circumstances and fear. Afterall, its been a long and weary battle. Silently, the soldier knelt down and started crying. From afar, sounds of horses and shouts. Looking ahead, the enemies were approaching at great speed. The soldier looked hopelessly around, none of his comrades were able to muster up any courage or energy to fight on. Is this the end? Just at the moment, he heard a gentle voice saying, "Why are you crying?" The soldier just couldn't speak a single word but continued to cry.

The gentle voice continued, "Do not cry. Stand up and fight". "Do not fear for the Lord of the Host is with you, the enemies will be defeated and the battle will be won". Slowly, every soldier look up. And before them, stands the Commander of the army, the Lord in His gleaming armour as bright as the sun and He is surrounded with air of majesty and authority. Despite of this, the soldiers felt peace, love, joy emitting from Him. He said, "Come to me and fight together with me!" "Let me have your burdens and I will lighten them." As the soldiers were astonished, they have never seem Him before. Their previous commander had deserted them and leaving them to fight alone. Together they decided to fight together with the Lord. The only hope for them was in Him and Him alone. As they stood up, all they had was tattered and broken armour, weapons. They couldn't help but wonder how could they fight in this.

Just this point, the army of the Lord arrive in their gleaming armour. Along with them, they have new armour. The Lord said,"Take off the old clothes and armour and wear this!" "For today the battle belongs to the Lord!" The soldiers quickly changed into the armour and prepare for the oncoming enemies. The Lord said, "Come and eat some food for you all have been fighting and are weary." "Do not fear, for I am with you!" The soldiers went to the table and started eating. The army of the Lord went ahead with the battle and defeated the enemies.

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Still havent blog on the mission trip yet.. but still want to put it on hold. Today, i finally made the decision.. to give up.. really to give up. Feeling for her... desires, everything.. giving it up. It took me a long time.. everytime i tried to give up somehow it stucks on. Finally today the decision was made.. i will continue to pray for her and the other guy. I mus admit the feeling of doing it really pure discomfort.. but it will serve well.

Jus remember what God said to me thru' Ben.. "COMPLETE.. God wants you to be complete in Him.. and completely belong to Him." Basically, to be complete in God and be completely His, is to give up everything to Him and let His will and Spirit fill me to the brim. And everything tt is done is to for God and to bring glory to Him.. i will strive to achieve that.

"To be the man after God's own heart"

"To serve God and let His will and plan be my"

"My life only for the Lord"

Hmm.. after much thought.. today decided to make the decision. Well.. it's to give up on the girl tt i like. Even from the start been trying too hard to control feelings but rather now i am converting the feelings to that of a brotherly feelings to his young sister. The sourness will be there.. but in the end it seems to be the best remedy.

Will continue to pray for them, maybe not long after they will be together. They do match each other in terms of talents and character. Standing together makes them seems like a couple. Couple of times.. saw a pic of a piece of wood and a wedge seems to be driving into it splitting it into two. The wedge is like me.. quite a lot of times.. seems to be caught in situations tt make me feel like a wedge.. and i rather not be there.

At the end, jus wanted the best for her and well this option seems to be the best so i should take it. Probably this will never get out to anyone.. cos it will cause heaps of percussion effect.. which i felt might happen. So hav to endure it..

Its a foregone conclusion... yeah pretty much. Today is the best day, i ever felt after the days n weeks of tiredness and tears. Probably coming to the point where i dun really feel tt sad. It still hangs around but not as bad though. Prayer does help still the main test is coming

Still thk God i have graduate from QUT finally!! Now is really the time to get on to the next chapter. The focus isnt on her and but rather the plans of getting into Canada and preparing for the call. Trust and depend on God... but still tired and drained. Keep dozing off ahh.. Will still keep praying for the both of them...

Been asking, why its so difficult in liking and loving a person. Cant it be any easier than abc? Pretty much, the answer came back i think. If things are gotten so easily, we probably wont treasure it nor really cherish it much. But something tt been waited for and longed for, it builds up the love for it, to really cherish it, to love it, to take care of it. Tt y marriage is a sacred thing, as bible has mentioned. Its not jus to have the person but also to desire tt the person has the best in their life as well i suppose.

Couple of hours at the beach isnt really enough time to let down everything. Couldnt have wish for more time, probably alone at the beach. It just hard to find a beach in brisbane itself, unless i have a car n driving license... sighzzz.

Yesterday took another walk along southbank... didnt want to stay at home, jus want to be alone, ponder and a lot of things flash past again and again. Jus wondering wat is really happening, the reason behind all that. All i know is i have to wait and trust, be patient until God shows more. It abit hard though, thinking too much unwanted stuff in the mind, but thing refuse to go away. Everyday, end up with a tired mind.. so tired.. n drained emotionally, spiritually as well. The acid test is coming soon, somehow foresee it to be a teary period of time. It gonna be tough. But bring it on.. so i can depend on God rather than my own strength.

The nite at the gold coast beach, its been a while since i went to the beach. The cool breeze, beautiful moon light, splashing of the waves upon the shore. It will really be great to be able to spend time with the special person. End up, we 4 guys just have a great time at the beach.

Things are kept pretty much in control but still lotsa of stuff running to my brain. Dunno whether i should be thinking of tt, tried really hard, prayed n stuff. It sticky as usual. Its hard to bottle everything in... but tt the only way at the moment, cont praying n trusting God.

Time passes fast
Waiting, enduring, holding on
Has everything already gone and pass
Or all but the one has yet to arrive

Looking back with no regrets
Looking ahead with contempt
Wondering how it will be
Or it will never be

Still holding on
Still waiting upon
Still trusting
On God our rock no matter what happens

so much stuff on my mind but cant even write a single thing on it. Still hanging in there, still holding back, enduring and tryin to be natural as well. But deep within, the emotions twist and twist to such extent tt its really unbearable. Jus like the wire i was untwisting out in the cold, took so long and in the end, both hands and shoulders are hurting but the wire is still untwisted. Hav i done something wrong again, everything jus seems so out of tune or maybe i am losing it. Lord, what should i do?? Whats the next step??

Such confusion i am in after praying the prayer. Thought it might be a good thing, it is in a way... but i am feeling like i am in a kind of a fixed. It really a weird feeling, the next three days gonna be tough... i think... Probably more to come, this is the result of facing the issue head on...

An answer is needed, thing needs to be clarified, wisdom is needed to keep on the right track. A tongue tt needs to be tame and watch over, wrong words at the wrong time simply means big big problem.. so sticky tt its gonna be hell of a time getting out. After being free, things will be changed and never be the same again, it can be a good or bad change. Treading carefully and cautiously now

Just now came across a song while flipping through the praise and worship song book. It's title "Something Beautiful" Even as i begin playin n singing the song, just could felt God presence and His comfort surrounding me. Started crying, been cryin quite a fair bit. In the midst of tears, said a prayer. I dunno if its consider a foolish prayer on my part or a good thing. But God hears it and if its according to His will, i believe it will be answered. It was difficult to mouth the prayer but manage to finish it. The song simply says.. even though in the midst of confusion and even though all we can offer to God is our brokeness and strifle, God always make something beautiful of the tough situations in our life.

Sometimes, i might wonder what beautiful thing results from such bad situations. It's simply the love of God and experiencing Him in a really close way tt bring hope and joy into our life again. It shows that God is piggy-baggin me on His back and comforting me through out this period of time. He wipes the tears away and tell us that He loves us, gaze upon Him, depend on Him. Isn't it beautiful at all. To me its more than just beautiful and its simply beyond words and description.

Something beautiful

Something good

All my confusion, He understood

All I have to offer Him was brokeness and strifle

But He made something beautiful of my life

Short, simple, yet so powerful and moving. Such is the love of God, it's just that simple, He loves us even more than we can ever imagine.

Came across a quote by Max Lucado tt really struck me. It kinda of saying this:

"Face your giants yourself, you will be struck down and crying for help"
"Face God instead, the giants will tumble and fall"

It really struck me, as i am facing one of the bg giants in life. I need to even seek God more each day to make sure the giants tumble and fall. At times, it might seem difficult and impossible but God is the One who make all things possible. In God, i will overcome...

When cracks are appearing, how long does it take for it to be shattered? Not long i suppose, doing all i can and all i know it still increasing and overflowing and cracks result. Is this to be seized and throw off the feet and laying still and crippled on the ground. Not knowing whether to move and stand up. Not knowing when the next blow will come again. Things just happen in really unexpected and weird ways, sometimes leaving the person totally lost not knowing to laugh or to cry. I cannot help but wonder, am i doing the right way or not... i might just be too dumb and too hard to be able to listen to answer from God.

Surely I have cried enough or is it just the starting of the tearing season. If only these tears can be used to help the drought wouldnt it be great. Talking a tears... just today maybe around 3 times liaos. Can't really help it but have to let it go. Too much stuff bottle up, pretty much also lack of sleep for 3 days.

The tears we shed
The cries in the secret
The pain that hurts

God sees our tears
God hears our cries
God feel our pain

God never said there isn't rainy days
God never said there isn't sunny days
God promise that He will always be with us

Even when the world ends
His love for us never changes
He always say,"I am here, My child"

Finally get to start on my free online christian course. Even at the start, it really blew my mind abit. I was kinda brought to areas where i didnt really think much or consider as it simply seems straight forward but as a matter of fact, it means alot and will really aid in beefing up my personal foundation in believing Christ. There alot of stuff ahead, believe that these course will aid me in the journey ahead.

Also to thank God for open the hearts of my parents, they simply agreed to let me plan my stuff and trust in me. I told them about my plans to head off to Canada asap and they agreed with it. Even thought, i felt certain sadness in their tone but in a way there was these joy in their hearts as well that their son has grown up and mature. I really love my parents and honouring, obeying God comes first in priority, i believe that my parents will come to know and accept Christ in new future. God will look over my family.

It actually quite frustrating having everything stuck inside. If only i can let it all out one short. That would be so great, saying everything without having to worry about anything.

Just looking into her eyes
Saying the words stuck inside
Making it known to her

Just sitting down at the beach
Watching the sunset together
Marveling at the beauty of God's creation

Just being there for her
Listening to what's she saying
Providing the shoulder for both joy and tears

Just walking hand in hand
Enjoying each other presence
Thanking God for everything and for her specially

If and if only... just thoughts as it is.. whether it happens or not, i have no idea. It's all in God's hands. Wish she's the one and that she knows... =)

Exams are finally over.... yeah now is waiting for results. This is the time of waiting and trusting God to move and provide the way. Within like 2-3 mths i will be leaving this place i think or maybe earlier or later. Lord you have to move in to guide and lead me. I can do t without you at all. Lord i really hope tt i will be able to work even for a short period of time here before i go back and tt i will be able to get a job in canada as well. i really cant stay in sg for too long as it will prove to be difficult to leave as well.

I am still fighting the internal battle. The turmoil and the pressure is strong but stil i have to compress it and not let it leak out as it will be very problematic. Anything will be fine after i leave i suppose.. Lord i trust in You.

Just need to blog.... now is the time, the more I can depend on God, the more I will do it. I remember the song by Chapman Curtis.. "Bring it on". Watever thing that comes along the way tt is difficult and impossible for me to achieve, then all the more i can trust and depend on God instead. Thus i will face it with God strength and not depend on myself. I will triumphed over it. I will still pray and wait upon the Lord for the final answer and wait for His right timing. Perservering results in patience and trust in God.

And it is only through this that i can learn to how to fight hand in hand with God. Though times, i will slipped, fall and eat dirt and grim. I will stand up with strength from God and conquer it. Becos in God all things are possible!!!

Though things arent always the way we want it to be but the choice for us to choose if we want to be angry, sad, happy. I tried all i can today to present a cheerful self for peg's bday. I tried but things are just tough. I didnt really want to dampen the atmosphere at all.. i seriously tried. The strain, brokeness still hangs around. Eyes swollen frm tears, try to sleep before going for it but cant sleep. End up feeling even down. I chose to remain cheerful but the wats inside was far more in concentrate and strength. It leaked out.. simply leaked out. Not in the best mood possible... but glad to hang out with frens, bros, sis'. Jus hope tt i didnt dampened the entire thinggy... at the end.. i really didnt want things to turn out this way.. but it did.. it did.. it just did..

Filled with confusion and turmoil within..
But choose to be joyful in the Lord

Overwhelmed by circumstances without full understanding
But choose to trust in God for everything that comes my way

Tears flows down with sadness and desperation
But choose to sing praises to the Lord

Cracks in the life, tears in the heart
But choose to be filled and overflowed with joy of the Lord

Whatever that comes my way
I will look to God and trust in Him

At road's end..

Totally broken... i am a human after all... I dont want to feel like this at all.. but tt it is what i am facing and feeling now.. It always happen tis way.. it always..

What is the main reason behind it?
Why does it appear again just when i thought everything is returned in prayer?
How am I suppose to deal with this and am I doing the right thing?
When will the answer appear or it has n tt i am just too blur n full to have miss it?

Carried on the wings of love
Covered by the wings of love
Soaring above the moutains of oppression
Soaring over vast oceans of despair
Soaring above the clouds of confusion
Such wonderful love of God
Gentle, passionate and powerful
Restores and refreshes
Where hope and redemption is freely given
That is God's love to us

Back into the arms of my Father
Holding onto hands that always reaches out
Back to the place where tears become joy
Walking hand in hand down the road call life
Always knowing that He is there
Always carrying me on His shoulders
Always cheering me on in life
Showering never ending love and blessing unto His child

i really really tired today.. much thks to QR repairing and replacing old tracks from Milton side onwards. At first was alrite.. then it got more and more noisy till cant really sleep. End up trying to pray but cant really focus and keep dozing off and jolt awake by the noise. From twelve to around 5am. This was the crucial time to sleep becos the noise has ceased.. and the replacement work probably went on way out of hearing distance. But sadly to say, i cant sleep anymore, way past the sleeping timing. Literally was awake till tired got over me.. and i started to sleep. Best, alarm sounded, time to wake up. Haiz...

Had a great bday dinner for shawn didi today. Everyone enjoyed themselves, i would say. I did not for the steak though which was hard and tough to cut and chew. Had to swallow down the whole pieces couple of times. The fellowship was great and abt crazy. Pretty much outside is enjoying but inside is wah.. stress and turmoil. Still struggling and kinda of been dealing with it. Been praying again & again... recommiting to God the emotions and feeling and everything. Suppressing everything is really tough n difficult. Self control & dependence on God to succeed in dealing with it. But still wish there is someone whom is taking charge of this case..

Pretty much it will be over soon i suppose.. keep pressin on & trusting in God. Endurin and persevering on. Let not words stumble others nor let it be shown out to others. Jus dun want to cause pple to be troubled and stressed out becos of tt.

This is going somewhere at least.. i think. Today is a tiring and draining day.. for the past few days been staying in the lib till morning... wow, i think the cleaner also know who i am liaoz..

In his mind "This boi again.. haha" Pretty much coldz.. almost rode into the river was surprise to see how high the river water was.. instead of riding straight, was heading towards the river.. heez. It will interestin to see myself... riding straight into the river heez.. "NOooooooooo" , splash.. like in movies n funny home videos.

Some things have been done wrong.. n remedy in progress.. Some things which i done... hopefully its the right thing to do.. What do u think?? Need t continue to press on.. and fight on. Another battle might be coming up soon... waiting for the news. It's time to start preparing myself for the battle in case i am caught off guard. yupba yupba...

Crushed and defeated...

Broken and scattered...

Tears and dust remains...

Heart filled with confusion...

Heart filled with pain....

Heart filled with questions...

Answers seems to flee...

Hidden beyond the clouds...

Simply like chasing down the winds...

Once again, coming to the throne...

Utterly lost and broken...

To seek His face...

Where silence seems unbearable...

Where hope seems so far away...

Gentle words rung in the heart...

"Trust in Me"....

"Wait upon the Lord"...

"You are in good hands"...

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In life, waiting upon the Lord is one of the toughest period. Not knowing what is happening and the reason behind it. Dun even know the questions to ask... but simply cried out to the Lord and commit everything to Him once again. For a moment everything seems to have subsided and taken away. The next moment, what was taken away suddenly seems to have be returned twice fold... Bearing the broken and a contrite heart to the Lord again... cryin out to Him... though i may not understand the exact reason.. and things are reveal yet. I will still hold on to the Lord.. and continue to commit it to Him. I must not give up on the Lord.. for He has never forsaken me at all. Difficult it is to face.. but its only God i can depend on... The same question stand "Is there someone on the case?" Or God is the only one on my case... so tt i can learn to depend on Him more and build up the relationship with Him to a deeper extent. Remember God is all i need... God is all i need... God is all i need....

Somethings are so close and yet so far.. Its contradicting but its so true. I can help but laugh at it. Everything was like so close to grabbing it and to own it.. the next moment, its like a hundred millions miles ahead. At this pt, the feeling is weird... should cry or should laugh or simply be stunned, mouth and eyes wide open. Shaking the head and said to myself "Move on buddy, move on..." The only reason i can think of is.. waiting upon the Lord and trusting in His plan and provision. Though sometimes the blow can be a knock or crushing blow... time is required to recover. But rest assured that a hand is reaching out to me (for this I am sure). Lying down crushed and beaten on the ground but hearing a voice "Take my hand, take my hand, Jabez" Slowly in tears, looking up its God. The nail scars are still there. The voice continue "Please take my hand... my precious child" Knowing that God is always there by me. Not because He doesnt care for me and let me be beaten n crushed but i would say i always choose to stray away and end up getting beaten n crushed. Slowly, i reached out to His hand and hold it. God simply lifted me up and bring me to a place where i am restored and refreshed. Whenever i hold His hand and walk together with Him. He always be the first to carry me on His back and bring me through the obstacles and difficult times in my life.. Isnt it wonderful to have such a God that cares and love us. Thank you, Jesus.

As the sun rises and sets everyday
As the moon appears and goes away everyday
Thus is the Lord's faithfulness which never changes

Like the love shown by parents their her children
Like the love between couples
Thus is the Lord's love which is ever ending

Thy Lord's compassions never fails
Thy Lord's eyes never wander off
Thy Lord's ears are never shut off

Who can compare to the Lord
Who deserve all honor, glory and majesty
And all creations on heaven and on earth shouts His praise

Praise the Lord, all creations
Praise the Lord, all sons and daugthers
Praise the Lord, Oh Praise the Lord always

Things are begininng to change and happen but i know i can trust in the Lord for everything. I believe God will straightened the ways for me and bring me through the current obstacle i am facing in the PR application. Yupz. In regards, to that matter change in tide... things seems to have calm down after a stormy period. I do hope i have taken the right approach to it though. Everything is already in motion and just waiting for God to unveil it out. I rather put my trust in God then in myself because God has prove to me how faithful He is! For the matter i will put on the shelf till the times comes again to deal with it. Thank you Lord!!

Gentle as the breeze that blows
Gentle as the finger that wipes the tears of the face
Even more gentle is the love of God

Flowers that sways and trees that rustles in the breeze
Creatures sing and make their music
Bring songs of joy, praising the Almight God

The flow of the river, smooth and sparkling
Bring streams of refreshment to flora and fauna
Even more refreshing and life giving are the streams that flow from God

Awesomeness of the Niagara Falls
Majestic and strength of the lion
The beauty of sunrise and sunset

Nothing and absolutely nothing can compare to God
He is beyond description
For God is the most majestic, glorifc, beautiful, awesome

Enduring, pushing on.... ahhhh.. It seems like.. sometimes, we are assigned on cases to handle and to pray for.. pretty much there.. Jus wondering is there someone on my case?? or is it btw me and God only??

Eyes can tell heaps of stuff.. aye.. sometimes i wish i could tell frm a person's eyes directly what is going on... every single thing, wont tt be easy to sort things out. Nah... dream on.. but i really wish i know wat the eyes are saying.. Something tt is given back to God with heaps of effort somehow is return again or is it new stuff growing...

Wats the next step to it... scratching my head.. still pursuing after God for strength and wisdom and control. But inside.. is like the pressure and turmoil is definitely tremedous.

Question: Is this even suppose to be happening?? Am i the main cause of it?? Did i do something wrong tt cause it to happen??

Trying really hard to make things right... it seems alrite still. But things are happening in really interesting ways.. till i am caught by surprise even though i thought i am yeah.. can face it.. the next moment.. i am like ahhhh under the wall... >_<"""

What's the main point of going thru' this?? There must be something tt has to be learn frm this.. i believe.. probably i am too blinded and confuse to listen to God's speaking... very like probability.

pretty much feel like.. losing alot of close frens.. back in sg. As i look back.. everything has change.. life has changed. Everything familiar has changed. Changes is alot of things tt cant be fore see.. after been away for so long. Accept it and blend in.. not much time available for that. How long will i be in sg or will i be in brissy. Not long.. after building up the frenship here.. and learning life and having the support.. it has to be let go.. once again.

Writing a new chapter in life.. been talking abt this alot of times.. aye.. yeah pretty much adding on. I now kinda of understand wat it means to for anyone to follow Christ, hav to leave behind everything, including family, frens, comfortable living conditions. Leaving for Canada is like leaving behind such things.. for sake of God's Kingdom. Its hard, its painful.. though but its definitely worth it. Starting a life dependent on God and being with my relatives whom i didnt see them for many many years. Moving ard.. cherishing every single moment i still have left with my family and frens.. Moving on.. still much stuff... i wish i could jus type in out.. but most are beyond words and cant be mention for certain reasons... But believe everything is in control by God..

It super weird.. hey... blogger website in chinese. Ahhh.. dun know wat happened seems like someone change the settings in sch computer.. Thk God i know wat the buttons are.. if not hav to check dictionary to findo ut wat the chinese character means.

Back to topic... Thought that things are going to be better.. but it isnt hey... have to press on..
And best thing is i forget there was a meeting at beng's hse... ah dan.. said "Mel is going to kill u...." yeah. well kill me lor.. heez i believe she wont .. There's so much stuff in my mind.. i still remember abt the meeting thingy like this afternoon ... eventually forget to check out and end up forgetting it as well.. ahhhhhh.. trouble is brooding.. Going thru' the same thing doesnt mean tt u will be able to handle it without trouble aye. Instead it makes me think alot more.. tricky and sticky situation...

May May May.. next up is June.... big changes are happening already... jus feel that the person i can depend is still God. I will be like on my own.. again.. away frm support and presence of my fren's in brisbane. God will be my support and teacher i suppose.. and whoever He place in my life to train me up.... To Alberta and to montreal...

This is like standing infront of the river.. and its gushing... taking the step of faith into the river tt comes frm the God.. to be immerse in it.. and be wash along with the currents and trusting in God all the way.. the sound of it is becoming stronger.. almost like i am already near to the edge..
"Jump in.. jump in" "do not worry becos I will be with you all the way my child"....

Please Lord give me the strength to jump in .... n be lead by You...

It passing on... one chapter of life is almost finishing and another chapter will be starting soon. Sometimes, i wish i could turn back time and change a little things here and there to make things look a little nicer and a little better. But its always this little things tt cause tremors in life yet most of the times are left unnoticed. But it leaves a impression tt make me think again when the past flashes by. Things tt need to be rectified, restored...

Coming close to the grips of death and escaping it by a thread... now i kinda understand how time actually slows down.... and thoughts will start to swell in your head.. after the incident or during the process of it. Nvr really like staying in hospital, the place where u get to experience the pain and suffering pple gone through. But its the only time, where i am exposed to how God's grace and strength has brought me thru'. How many of the pple in there have already heard n accepted Christ. Lonliness and emptiness fills the heart of the pple... some been in there so long the hope they cherish seems to have disappeared.

The time there was spend reflecting and reading the bible.. tryin to understand wats the lesson behind everything tt happened. Coming back to the feet of Jesus, spending the precious time with Him. Crying out to Him and leaning, depending on Him. Reflection of how life has been wasted for things tt aren't impt. As i think and think abt the things that are happening. Its really learning to draw into God's presence in the midst of illness and everything. Finding rest in Him even when there seems to be no one is able to help and comfort. Journey of faith into the unknown ahead following where God wants. Coming again to taking risk for God and looking towards Him and following Him no matter what life circumstances are.

They said.. after experiencing near death, paradigm of a person changes and the person learnt to cherish life more. I agreed on tt.. but wat i want to achieve is more like cherishing the time tt i have now to serve and be used for God and putting my life out for Him. Taking new risks and moving out for God.

Php 1:21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Things seems to be getting better.. the fighting within has gone down.. but not the physical fighing... I have been fighting with the toilet bowl for the past few hrs.. stupid diaherra, cough, flu.... driving me nuts... Esp the diaherra.. came back with a vengence after like 2 days.. ahhh....

Fighting with the strength of the Lord... Though sometimes i might fail or feel tired, i certainly will not give up fighting. Things are abit complicated at the moment.. believe tt the Lord will clear things up for me..

Watch the moves
Watch the mouth
Be cautious and not slack down...

I cant afford to .. or else..

Breaking point....

Today... is almost to breaking point. So much stuff pushing out of my brain... i feel like exploding.. and feeling very sick as well. Ever since it started.. the peak was at convention.. I simply feel like screaming my head off.. The assault was really non-stop n its simply so hard to handle.. Lord help me, i need your strength my Lord... i really need it.

Even today... i nearly broke down into tears.. well in the room. I am so lost, the storm within is hard to quench and been praying and praying.. but the pedal doesnt seems to ease off at all. Do i have to face this again.. especially during this period of time. Emotionally drained... so drained... Lord, i need your strength, wisdom and revelation...

3 weeks.. in a row.. on pa, sunday can never be more tiring. Was so happy that can finally sleep till later.. six am.. ring ring ring.. i was huh.. i didnt set my alarm using tt phone leh.. i call back the miss call.. ta da!! congrats.. we are on for PA.. still drowsy frm my sleep.. quickly wash up and get ready. Frm tt time.. its a really tiring.. time onwards. totally knocked out during sermon.. and headache setting in.. feeling really sick.. and tired..


As the time proceeds on.. till the end of service.. was feeling drained.. thoughts starting flowing in.. it seems like the season is pretty long.. for a lot of pple. The question pop into my mind again.. was like.. nah.. not again.. no no no...but still thk God manage to get a short nap before shedding wool... seriously.. i really dunno wat to think and feel at this times..

Much much later at southbank.. see this beautiful rainbow.. was like wow.. its a full rainbow.. took some pics of it.. later as i move in further.. wah -ha.. see another rainbow above tt rainbow... its like wow.. reminded abt God's covenant.. with His pple. its a beautiful sight.. My mind was flooded with thoughts again.. n after seeing the double rainbow.. everything vanished. Meet up with Vun, Hoong, Ming, Allister for dinner at westend.. its was a great dinner.. after finishing sat ard and chatted.. but somehow the topic shifted onto me again.. the last thing.. i expected was to hear Hoong ask the question.. i was like.. oh no.. not again.. The headache started coming back again...Thk God the topic shifted off.. phewz.... yeah

After a while later, we head off for a movie.. while vun headed home. When at southbank... i told Hoong.. tt i saw a double rainbow.. He was wow.. and say "Haha, a double confirmation>> so wat were u praying for me??" -_-'''''... literally lost for words.. and started recalling did i pray and ask God for anything before seeing the rainbows?? Yeah i did.. no need to write it out.. its confusing.. one more.. thing.. tt one.. no need to write out as well... Keep prayin and seeking.. cant make any mistakes.. no room at all..

is it really happening?????/

Counting down....

3 months (more or less)??? Canada isnt really tt far off, i will be uprooting myself soon to travel to the place where God has called me to. Its gonna be exciting and total dependence of God. The need to adapt and change to new environment and new life style, culture etc etc.

When the calling came, its last yr.. seem meh chiam like long way to go loh.. but now.. see see so fast sia... quick till see no thing at all. Definitely miss miss lotsa pple leh.. but then hoi.. have to go still.. It confirm plus guarantee chop.. its not a bad bad thing lah.. instead it beri beri goodz..

aiyo.. going to miss sa singlish.. there were the times hoi.. where english is sing sing.. mia play play meh.. soon it will be bonsoir, meric, bonjour, comment est-ce-que vous vous appelez??
but i believe i can do it because God is with me !!!!

Au voir, la nuit

Déchire

Déchire cette chute, mais aucun ne verrait

Déchire cette chute, mais on garderait

Déchire cette chute, mais on saurait

Something just been left behind and something that is close. Most of the time.. is just a sight and never to be kept. Best things in life sometimes is just sight and knowledge that everything is fine and good with the person.

Departure time is getting closer... recently doors are close and not really thinking too much of it well sometimes it gets back at you, sticking around and poking and poking... simply just makes a person wonder. Still praying and hoping.. its so near and yet so far. Soon it will get further and further away... its really hard to come by such opportunity and rare to find back the feelings that you thought will never again be found.. Yet when its found, it just have to face a wall..

Waiting and patience is a virtue... and total dependence on God is one tough thing yet to be mastered. But i wll press on for the Lord. Be with me O Lord... once again i commit and place everything at the altar and coming back to your side, sitting on Your lap and holding You tightly. Crying out to You, knowing that You are the one whom will always be with me, always and forever..

Longing to be in Your presence
Adoring and marveling at Your beauty
Where praises and worship never ceases for You
Where Your awesome glory and honour is displayed
At Your feet, where all will bow in reverence and fear

Strict, just and righteous is the Lord
Yet so gentle and merciful
Who's love never ends towards us
Who's always watches over us

The oncoming battle

i feeling really weird.. orientation is like coming on monday.. Just simply felt like a something major is going to happened. Feeling is like exploding feeling in my heart and sense of major battle and victorious feeling.

Jsut felt a battle is going full, images of vast armies clad in shining armours and weapons glimmering and all full on to move into battle once again. Felt a conviction tt i will have to fight on in GU and push for it. Whatever tt happens is not about me but who God is and who is the commander of the army. Suddenly was reminded of the verse Jos 5:13-15 again. God is moving and His armies seems to be moving out as well.

Where's love that's strong as steel?
Where's love that's sweeter then honey?
Where's love that's enduring?
Where's love that's faithfully showered?

That's the love of our Saviour,
That's given freely to all,
Love that binds and saves
What more can I ask for..

Hmmm...

Erm i hope i didnt do the wrong thing. Just hope that everything is still fine and well. Really dun want unnecessary headaches and watever. Lost for words...

(If you are reading this, rest assure its not about you. Its something else)

Open, close, open, open, close, close
So is it open close or close open
Or is it always open
Or is it always close
Or at the start there wasnt suppose to be an open or close.

Relationship aiyo! Beh tahanz!

Decision in life often seems so tough. In regards to relationship, it seems like climbing Everest. Requires steps of care and consideration not jus for ourselves but for others around as well. Careful planning is required.

Facing the person is like in a storm, waves of emotion churning up and down within with overwhelming effects that sometimes seems to drown the person. Self-control or just pure endurance or stuffing into a bag which end up either as excess burden. Maybe a time bomb waiting to explode anytime resulting in a total sense of loss and tears to bear at the damage.

Tts y its dont play play and must pray pray alot and hard hard

Another wk has passed.. things just seems like so interesting. Only a while in sg, already got hospitalised. I guess this is the first time, my family saw me in such condition.. probably got a big shock. My life seems to be on the line alot of times.. but i guess this is how I can really trust in God for His powerful protection and grace =) Its a new yr.. look forward to it.. its also ended.. so maybe its time to think abt it now.