Long day...

Hmmm.. still feeling very tired. Though today suppose to be offically "off" day for me to rest but somehow didnt rest much at all.. feelin worst off.. going thru e medical.. was ahh.. waited so long.. cant blame anyone but myself. Well.. the urine test.. jus as i expected something happened.. its always seems the case.. but everytime God brought me thru.. how abt tis time.. i dunno. Tomolo goin in liaoz.. advance.. party.. kinda excited.. spend so much time.. doin the camp stuff.. phew.. barely any strength left.. now really runnin on adrenaline.. well.. press on.. Also very glad tt Grace exams over.. happy for her as well.. time to sleep liaoz.. i guess. hope i could sleep.. tonitez.. =)

Vision

Strong inclination, desire to serve as a social worker/counsellor. Really want to go out to understand pple more, helping them with their problems in the process of spreading God love to them.. Feelin been with me for a long time.
Serve in youth areas, teaching, relating with pple.

Current vision
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To bring my family to Christ.. hope to see them worshippin the Lord. Set abt 2 yrs time.. but God willing.

At least specialise in a musical instrument.. using music to minister to others as for myself, to worship God too.

To grow in Christ likeness, to be a man after God's own heart.

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Its not over yet.. but things are still unfuring at the moment. yupz.. more to come!

Children Camp 2....

Today was the start of the childrens camp.. kinda fun.. looking at the teachers workin n teachin the kids. arent easy job.. takes alot of heart to be there lookin after n educating the kids. Games.. tt probably a headache for both ben n me.. was crackin brains over it.. how to form games tt suit both very young n slightly older ones.. I mus admit tt i am dependin too much on my own.. strength.. feel so burnout after one day. Thk God manage to come up with some games for the children again.. hope tis time round is better.. Cant imagine myself standin infront.. speakin with the mike. Doesnt sound like me.. guess its a hidden part of me tt seldom comes out..

Sunday sch ministry doesnt seems to be the one suitable for me.. its easier workin with older pple.. still clinging onto the vision which i had in mind.. somehow feel tt the path God is intentin me to go into.. Thought of beome a pastor never really.. came into my mind at all. After tt day of sharing when pastor andrew mention it.. seems kinda imprint into my mind. Jus cant imagine if i am really to be a pastor.. hmm.. its kinda hard to know wats e next step.. but somehow believe tt God is slowly revealin His vision for me.. Lotsa of thing i need to do.. change my way of life. esp the spiritual part of mine.. need to be more in tuned with God.. yupz.. jia you!!

Cant help but wonder can i sleep well tonite?? yesterday like never sleep at all.. -_-"'

Children's camp

Phew.. another day have passed.. kinda drained.. went thru e ma, well got lotsa of information.. this gonna be a super siong wk. Definitely not able to survive by my own strength but with God ard.. sure can.

Children camp.. 2nd time involved.. maybe its e first bad exp. tt keep me frm involvin for so long.. hmmm its also e place where something embarrassing happened.. haiz, so tis one also hmmm.. hope nothing of tt will happen.. haha. Regreted.. somehow.. when thought abt tt incident.. also paiseh. Now invovle in the lesson.. kinda excited n stress in a way. first time. man.. whoa.. Games.. nightmare again.. ah. Have to trust God tt He will bring along things well.. its not wat i want its wat God wants, yeah. indeed. Sleep kinda deprived. still.. gettin late liaoz.. tomolo will rush e camp booklet as much as i can.. also hope things will turn out fine.. by God's grace.. yuppa/..

Treasure

Even as kaleo draws near.. still feelin down n depress. RUshin the booklets.. siong.. tiring.. thk God my mom is ard helpin me.. guess i am depending too muc on my own strength. THings jus seems to pile up so fast n so high.. But Will trust God in everything.. if not wont survive for long/

Hmmm treasure.. theme of kaleo camp. Treasure rite at the door step of the heart. I accepted it.. Found Jesus.. as i listen to a song.

"So what now?? What will you do now that u have found me?
What now? What will you do with this treasure that you found??"

This words pierce thru my heart.. suddenly feel very exposed, broken.. Simply struck me.. expected it.. Jesus invited me.. so many times.. but i have jus brushed it aside.. tis one of the things bothering me.. a life tt isnt Christ focus.. even havin the treasure but i live like i dun have it at all. THings are slowly being revealed.. TIme rushin by so fast. dunno wat to say..

Why....

Feel like going to collaspe anytime today.. thk God for the coffee today.. if not hard to stay awake.. Good sermon on psalm 23, life verse as well. But been tryin hard to apply in my life.. but so far cant make it... Today was a bad day for me.. fallin sick soon.. i feel it coming.. n at the end of the day.. overcome by the unknown feelin in me.. super miserable n depressed.. jus feel like cryin.. overwhelmin me to the brim.. Think i got a rough idea of wats the thing abt.. someday it will be reveal by God grace... i believe i can over come it. haiz.. for the time being.. really dunno wat to do..
mus jia you n press on in my walk with God.. obeyin His commands.. mus do it!!!

Again....

Something seems to be heavy upon my heart.... but cant confirm wat its abt. Or is it.. i knew wat it is.. but somehow jus dunnno want to face it.. runing away frm it?? Hmmm... Havent been sleepin well.. sometimes ly down on the bed.. tossing n turnin..

Man grp.. another almost sleepless nitez.. some guys play thru e nitez e soccer on ps 2.. i was sleepin at the side. Didnt really sleep.. thing is still inside my heart.. but still dunno wat exactly it is.. combination of alot of things ba.. i guess.. Thurs nite couldnt sleep so decided to dig out the old letter box. containing letters frm my frens.. glance thru some of time. reminded me of the pple whom i hav hurt last time. Sudden pang of guilt n shame came over me... thing i hav done to them.. i finally realise how they feel now.. its never a good feeling.. being torn apart by emotions, emptiness, darkness seems overwhelming. How i wish i have done things in a better way, really wish i could apologise to them.. but when i see them will i really have the courage to say sorry.. i really dunno.. Children's camp n kaleo camp approachin.. still kinda stress out by k camp stuff.. watever..

Interestin thing happened today, dunno wat i was thinkin of.. as well. Took metal spoon n fork eat kway chup.. wat am i doing.. shouldnt i be using chopsticks n e ceramic spoon. ahh.. tts not all ... i simply grab the food n walk off without PAYING!!! Goodness.... the auntie also didnt stop me.. ahhh. later when big bun tell me.. "u must be too stress.. didnt pay for yer food.." i got a shock... but he paid for me.. wanted to pay him back but he refuse to accept it.. thk God for a bro like him.. frankly speakin i dunno wat the heck i m doing. Jus feelin very sick n tired.. dunno whether can sleep or not tonite.. sound tomolo.. as well.. This month gonna be super hectic.. n coming months as well..

Lord bring me back to you, draw me into Yer Presence once again.. Need to trust You in alot of things.. Guide me O Lord..

Thoughts..

WOnderin n wondering.. many things going thru my mind... dont know wat to say, wat to do.. jus confused.. going thru similar stuff again.. take some time.. its jus the way it works. i guess.

Oh yes.. kaleo camp.. ahhh. its been in my head for a long time.. stressin me out quie badly.. doin the booklet.. n stuff. children camp next wk. Medical appt. not done yet.. haiz.. jus wish i could jus finish eveyrthing n get on with other stuff.. drawin near to the day when i wont be ard for quite some time.. surely will miss alot of pple n things here.. haiz.. a step out into the big big world..

Hav to trust God in alot of things.. yeah.. life is a mess, but tryin to straightened up with Him again.. jia you!

yesterday

Finally settled the camp t-shirts n stuff. Hopefully everything is okay.. liaoz. for tis part. Lookin back again.. spiritually still on the low scale.. slowly etchin up.. Tryin hard to balance the pillars in my life, workin to be a man after God's own heart.. will i be able to achieve tis n not fall away along the way.. i really wonder..

Hmm lookin at the plan which i made.. 2 yrs study, decided to abstain from gettin into any relationship.. somehow jus feel very afraid of relationship. Fear of rejection.. dunno how to handle it, afraid of hurtin the person.. Is it a stupid thing to even think abt.. looking at myself.. tis condition.. wonderin which lady could accept it. It not jus being frens.. its living together in time to come,, will the person ever regret... so many healthy guys out there... wouldnt it be better for then to find someone who is healthy. I do must admit, sometimes.. i dun ever dare to look in the mirror..
Life still goes on.. sometimes jus wonder.. will there even be anyone tt will really accept the way i am.. Being frens with pple is okay.. well. jus hav to let it be.. God, teach me to trust in yer provision n guidance..

Back to the deep unknown....

As it always is.. the deep unknown.. hidden thoughts n feelings everything that was compress n stuff into my heart.. overtime its leaks out.. frm cracks here n there.. sometimes its all unknown feelings, hurt, pain, sadness, rush out. but jus dunno wats e cause.. sometimes its overwhelming.. jus like darkness creepin over n suffocatin me. Loneliness.. somehow like a spear tt pierce thru the heart.. sometimes jus feel like cryin.. but tears doesnt come.. hmmm.. guys arent really suppose to cry in a certain sense.. pride n ego.. cant we jus do away with it.. esp when a release is truely needed..... Gotta thank God for protecting my mind.. somehow its truely a miracle tt i didnt go crazy after all these years.. Once thought tt i wasnt afraid of loneliness. but i was wrong.. i am very afraid.. but fact is tt God is always present ard me.. as human we jus wish for something for tangible at times.. still lotsa of things in my heart n mind.. never ending its jus seems to be.. =)

Yesterday n today

Boy.. never feel so tired before.. last nite e AG home dinner great.. really enjoyed e worship n food.. haha. Though didnt eat much food but guess.. its a different perspective to yesterday dinner. It tug in my heart again.. towards a personal vision or God's vision for me.. First came into my mind as i was bathing.. wats my strength.. listenin.. sensitive.. it jus simply inclines towards being a counsellor n social worker perhaps.. I prefer such things to being an engineer as a matter of fact. Its one area i need to work on as well. communication.. n interaction. Its really a strong tug.. well.. even consider takin part time on tis area of studies. as well. Jus hav to wait n see.. haha.. Yesterday supper was hopin to munch on some stuff. wah.. sad case. e food only can see but cannot touch.. haiz. its quite irritating watchin everyone eat n jus sit there,, drinking well no choice for me.. reach home kinda late.. everyone asleep.

Today.. almost cannot wake up at all. jus want to jus zzzzz.. all the way.. cant do tt at all. studied till ko.. wake up realise tt i sleep for so long liaoz. tonite. i dunno whether i can sleep or not.. will now soon enouf. haha..

This day...

Its the truth.... i going thru a drought period. Spiritually, mentally down... Sometimes do i truely want to live for God? Personally i really want to .. but somehow my heart seems to be rejecting everything.. tried.. n so tired.. haiz

Nice....

A little girl and her father were crossing a flimsy bridge. The father was kinda of scared so he asked his little daughter,"Honey, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river."

The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand.""What's the difference?" asked the puzzled father."There's a big difference," replied the little girl.

"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you willnever let my hand go."

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After looking thru the story above.. at times human fail one another in many ways.. But as the little girl mentions "If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you willnever let my hand go.", it struck me.. tt God is always handing my hand and He will never ever let me go. So I definitely in safe hands, for God is with me. Thank you, God.

Appreciation For My Parents....

Looking back through the years
Memories of the good and bad
All with accompanied me through my life
Somehow, they were always there in a certain way

Parents to me is a precious gift from God
Thank God for putting them in my life
Come think of it, what have i realy done for them
So down the memory lane i go

Tears and cries of my mom
Anxiety, apprehension, excitement filled my dad
Comes the cries of a newborn babe, a bundle of joy
Happiness and joy filled them over the brim

Happy as I was, having all the attention
Crying now and then, was all I need
Causing trouble was my best
Nonetheless, parents continue to care for me

Many times, I let them down
Many times, I broke their hearts
Many times, I disobey them
Nonetheless they still love me without fail

When sickness comes
Weak and tired they are
Dad continued to work for the family
Mom continued managing the house

When sickness comes to me
Parents showered love and care for me
Nursing me till i was healed
But still i didnt appreciate them at all

Discipline comes with punishment
More angry and hateful i was
Simply continue making the same mistakes and more
Never did understand the real meaning of their doing

Now, young man as I am
Coming out of the memories
Parents have aged with toil and pain
Till now that I realise all that they done for me

Feeling sad, angry with myself
All that I have done, nothing good it seems
Not once did i appreciate them
Always taking them for granted

Now the time to start
No way i could reply them for all that they done for me
So I must now care and love them
Do all I can for them

Dad, Mom thank God for all that you both have done
The blood, toil, pain in bringing me up, guiding me
Thank God for the both of you in my life
And thank God for putting me in this family

Pie....

Wow.. yesterday finally got a chance to make dinner for my family. 1st attempt at shepherd pie.. thk God it turn out edible. Slowly build up my confident.. should be able to cook more for my family.. maybe can consider a career as a cook haha.. wait ah.. 3 more days to application of visa and stuff, gettin kinda nervous, filled with apprehension as well as excitment.. how things will turn out. hmmm. everything seem so so so blur infront of me.. Jus hope tt everything will turn out fine n proceed on with things planned. Today went to AG home.. got a feel of the place there.. nice place.. enjoyed the singing n sermon. Havin a great battle in my heart.. tryin hard to focus on God but somehow.. something is fightin for the place.. phew.. wish i can press on.. feelin very dried n down.. headache comin to knock me out.. liaoz. Gotta press on.. all the way.

Today

Well... two days of able to wake up early to do my qt. n stuff. The battles still rages in me.. continuing the way God wants is tough.. many a times feel like cryin.. guess its never easy to be filled with the Spirit.. somehow feel tt i am in control by sinful desires.. God, i admit.. i can never be able to withstand all tis stuff without yer help.. Its only you who can help me.. grant me strength, to resist the ways tt arent pleasing to you Lord.

Feeling very depressed.. lost. Was lookin thru, the newspaper on the health. See the article.. somehow reminded of the painful past.. does it help.. i dunno. Lookin at myself now.. i feel even more demoralised.. Condition seems to be gettin worst each day.. jus feel like diggin a hole n hide in there.. mind is being bombarded by lotsa of things.. mostly feelings cause by the past.. i guess. Suppressed deep inside.. e hurt, pain coming out.. Rejection is something i really feel.. due to my sickness.. sometimes pple on the surface seems okay, but their eyes n body reaction kinda betrays it. i really dunno.. really dunno... wats things going to be like.. it simply hurts...

Growing up...

Sweet memories of being a child
Young, bashful, playful, innocent
Rash, daring, cheerful, energetic
All the laugther, all the fun
All the tears, all the dreams

Wouldnt it be great if one could remain as a child
Holding the hands of parents
Showered with love
Proctected from the world
Daydreaming was a norm

Looking back and looking forward
Wheres the innocent joy, laughter, dreams
Dreams are lost, many are not achieve
Toil, stress, pain beseiges non stop
Exposed to the ruthless world

Wouldnt it be great to have the innocence of a child
Boy, really miss those carefree days =)

hmmm...

Today another day has gone by.. Finally after 1 wks of procrastination.. i woke up at 0730.. jus hope tis will be a new start for me. Sometimes thing i do i also dunno whether i doing the rite thing or not. Haiz... Meet up with Justin discuss camp stuff with him.. tough job.. well like i say being lobo is the pt.. Everything is picking up.. camp proceeding on.. kinda stress up.. hav not been sleepin well too. so much things to do in a short time... Given a opportunity to get a job.. but thinking abt kaleo camp.. didnt even try to go for it.. rite choice.??? dunno. Got a bad headache today on the way home.. quite bother.. with my sickness.. gettin on my nerves.. parents also affected by it.. how long is it going last.. Lord.. facin it is tough. sometimes i wonder how long can i endure it..

If goin overseas.. will it be good for me?? Thinkin abt the ridicule, stares, etc.. by pple.. doesnt help at all. Sometimes jus feel like a freak walkin ard.. Lookin at all my frens.. sometimes wish i was them.. somehow e greatest obstacle preventing me from changin is my sickness ba.. losing self confident.. heart sinkin down.. wats gonna things be..

Do i love God?

Reading thru Eph. 5. Strucked me again.. like being slapped in the face again. Worldly or Spiritual christian am i. Its the obvious... worldly still i am.. Knowing wats right n wrong.. but still foolishly i chose to do the wrong things.. even my heart wants to do the right thing. Even as i was doing masterlife.. simply felt the forces pullin me on both sides.. struggling, jus feel like closing the book n give up.

Daily bread... another slap.. Do i love God?? Above clearly shows tt i dont.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength." —Mark 12:30

Been like telling myself love God, love God.. but it doesnt seems so.. jus words but no action being done at all. Situation is escalating, walk with God is being affected. Am i goin continue on like this.. i cant..

how jiu how jiu.....

Finally guess everything is okayz liaoz.. ba. Said wat i need to say.. done wat i need to do.. as well liaoz.. Glad tt everything turn out fine. Thank God. Thought i might still be feelin abit strange but guess thing will turn out.. better as each day passing by.. Bascially now really need to get back on my feet again esp for my walk with God.. really gettin stagnant.. haiz.

Tat day pc wedding.. glad tt he settle down with the girl whom he loved.. The journey ahead for him is gonna be even tougher. wishin him all the best. As for me.. kinda wonder, will i ever get married at all. Lookin at myself.. haiz. dunno.. frightening sight. Well.. jus hav to leave it to God ba.. He's still the One tt hold my tomolo n my hand.. who else can i depend on except Him... indeed