It actually quite frustrating having everything stuck inside. If only i can let it all out one short. That would be so great, saying everything without having to worry about anything.

Just looking into her eyes
Saying the words stuck inside
Making it known to her

Just sitting down at the beach
Watching the sunset together
Marveling at the beauty of God's creation

Just being there for her
Listening to what's she saying
Providing the shoulder for both joy and tears

Just walking hand in hand
Enjoying each other presence
Thanking God for everything and for her specially

If and if only... just thoughts as it is.. whether it happens or not, i have no idea. It's all in God's hands. Wish she's the one and that she knows... =)

Exams are finally over.... yeah now is waiting for results. This is the time of waiting and trusting God to move and provide the way. Within like 2-3 mths i will be leaving this place i think or maybe earlier or later. Lord you have to move in to guide and lead me. I can do t without you at all. Lord i really hope tt i will be able to work even for a short period of time here before i go back and tt i will be able to get a job in canada as well. i really cant stay in sg for too long as it will prove to be difficult to leave as well.

I am still fighting the internal battle. The turmoil and the pressure is strong but stil i have to compress it and not let it leak out as it will be very problematic. Anything will be fine after i leave i suppose.. Lord i trust in You.

Just need to blog.... now is the time, the more I can depend on God, the more I will do it. I remember the song by Chapman Curtis.. "Bring it on". Watever thing that comes along the way tt is difficult and impossible for me to achieve, then all the more i can trust and depend on God instead. Thus i will face it with God strength and not depend on myself. I will triumphed over it. I will still pray and wait upon the Lord for the final answer and wait for His right timing. Perservering results in patience and trust in God.

And it is only through this that i can learn to how to fight hand in hand with God. Though times, i will slipped, fall and eat dirt and grim. I will stand up with strength from God and conquer it. Becos in God all things are possible!!!

Though things arent always the way we want it to be but the choice for us to choose if we want to be angry, sad, happy. I tried all i can today to present a cheerful self for peg's bday. I tried but things are just tough. I didnt really want to dampen the atmosphere at all.. i seriously tried. The strain, brokeness still hangs around. Eyes swollen frm tears, try to sleep before going for it but cant sleep. End up feeling even down. I chose to remain cheerful but the wats inside was far more in concentrate and strength. It leaked out.. simply leaked out. Not in the best mood possible... but glad to hang out with frens, bros, sis'. Jus hope tt i didnt dampened the entire thinggy... at the end.. i really didnt want things to turn out this way.. but it did.. it did.. it just did..

Filled with confusion and turmoil within..
But choose to be joyful in the Lord

Overwhelmed by circumstances without full understanding
But choose to trust in God for everything that comes my way

Tears flows down with sadness and desperation
But choose to sing praises to the Lord

Cracks in the life, tears in the heart
But choose to be filled and overflowed with joy of the Lord

Whatever that comes my way
I will look to God and trust in Him

At road's end..

Totally broken... i am a human after all... I dont want to feel like this at all.. but tt it is what i am facing and feeling now.. It always happen tis way.. it always..

What is the main reason behind it?
Why does it appear again just when i thought everything is returned in prayer?
How am I suppose to deal with this and am I doing the right thing?
When will the answer appear or it has n tt i am just too blur n full to have miss it?

Carried on the wings of love
Covered by the wings of love
Soaring above the moutains of oppression
Soaring over vast oceans of despair
Soaring above the clouds of confusion
Such wonderful love of God
Gentle, passionate and powerful
Restores and refreshes
Where hope and redemption is freely given
That is God's love to us

Back into the arms of my Father
Holding onto hands that always reaches out
Back to the place where tears become joy
Walking hand in hand down the road call life
Always knowing that He is there
Always carrying me on His shoulders
Always cheering me on in life
Showering never ending love and blessing unto His child

i really really tired today.. much thks to QR repairing and replacing old tracks from Milton side onwards. At first was alrite.. then it got more and more noisy till cant really sleep. End up trying to pray but cant really focus and keep dozing off and jolt awake by the noise. From twelve to around 5am. This was the crucial time to sleep becos the noise has ceased.. and the replacement work probably went on way out of hearing distance. But sadly to say, i cant sleep anymore, way past the sleeping timing. Literally was awake till tired got over me.. and i started to sleep. Best, alarm sounded, time to wake up. Haiz...

Had a great bday dinner for shawn didi today. Everyone enjoyed themselves, i would say. I did not for the steak though which was hard and tough to cut and chew. Had to swallow down the whole pieces couple of times. The fellowship was great and abt crazy. Pretty much outside is enjoying but inside is wah.. stress and turmoil. Still struggling and kinda of been dealing with it. Been praying again & again... recommiting to God the emotions and feeling and everything. Suppressing everything is really tough n difficult. Self control & dependence on God to succeed in dealing with it. But still wish there is someone whom is taking charge of this case..

Pretty much it will be over soon i suppose.. keep pressin on & trusting in God. Endurin and persevering on. Let not words stumble others nor let it be shown out to others. Jus dun want to cause pple to be troubled and stressed out becos of tt.

This is going somewhere at least.. i think. Today is a tiring and draining day.. for the past few days been staying in the lib till morning... wow, i think the cleaner also know who i am liaoz..

In his mind "This boi again.. haha" Pretty much coldz.. almost rode into the river was surprise to see how high the river water was.. instead of riding straight, was heading towards the river.. heez. It will interestin to see myself... riding straight into the river heez.. "NOooooooooo" , splash.. like in movies n funny home videos.

Some things have been done wrong.. n remedy in progress.. Some things which i done... hopefully its the right thing to do.. What do u think?? Need t continue to press on.. and fight on. Another battle might be coming up soon... waiting for the news. It's time to start preparing myself for the battle in case i am caught off guard. yupba yupba...

Crushed and defeated...

Broken and scattered...

Tears and dust remains...

Heart filled with confusion...

Heart filled with pain....

Heart filled with questions...

Answers seems to flee...

Hidden beyond the clouds...

Simply like chasing down the winds...

Once again, coming to the throne...

Utterly lost and broken...

To seek His face...

Where silence seems unbearable...

Where hope seems so far away...

Gentle words rung in the heart...

"Trust in Me"....

"Wait upon the Lord"...

"You are in good hands"...

---------------------------------

In life, waiting upon the Lord is one of the toughest period. Not knowing what is happening and the reason behind it. Dun even know the questions to ask... but simply cried out to the Lord and commit everything to Him once again. For a moment everything seems to have subsided and taken away. The next moment, what was taken away suddenly seems to have be returned twice fold... Bearing the broken and a contrite heart to the Lord again... cryin out to Him... though i may not understand the exact reason.. and things are reveal yet. I will still hold on to the Lord.. and continue to commit it to Him. I must not give up on the Lord.. for He has never forsaken me at all. Difficult it is to face.. but its only God i can depend on... The same question stand "Is there someone on the case?" Or God is the only one on my case... so tt i can learn to depend on Him more and build up the relationship with Him to a deeper extent. Remember God is all i need... God is all i need... God is all i need....

Somethings are so close and yet so far.. Its contradicting but its so true. I can help but laugh at it. Everything was like so close to grabbing it and to own it.. the next moment, its like a hundred millions miles ahead. At this pt, the feeling is weird... should cry or should laugh or simply be stunned, mouth and eyes wide open. Shaking the head and said to myself "Move on buddy, move on..." The only reason i can think of is.. waiting upon the Lord and trusting in His plan and provision. Though sometimes the blow can be a knock or crushing blow... time is required to recover. But rest assured that a hand is reaching out to me (for this I am sure). Lying down crushed and beaten on the ground but hearing a voice "Take my hand, take my hand, Jabez" Slowly in tears, looking up its God. The nail scars are still there. The voice continue "Please take my hand... my precious child" Knowing that God is always there by me. Not because He doesnt care for me and let me be beaten n crushed but i would say i always choose to stray away and end up getting beaten n crushed. Slowly, i reached out to His hand and hold it. God simply lifted me up and bring me to a place where i am restored and refreshed. Whenever i hold His hand and walk together with Him. He always be the first to carry me on His back and bring me through the obstacles and difficult times in my life.. Isnt it wonderful to have such a God that cares and love us. Thank you, Jesus.

As the sun rises and sets everyday
As the moon appears and goes away everyday
Thus is the Lord's faithfulness which never changes

Like the love shown by parents their her children
Like the love between couples
Thus is the Lord's love which is ever ending

Thy Lord's compassions never fails
Thy Lord's eyes never wander off
Thy Lord's ears are never shut off

Who can compare to the Lord
Who deserve all honor, glory and majesty
And all creations on heaven and on earth shouts His praise

Praise the Lord, all creations
Praise the Lord, all sons and daugthers
Praise the Lord, Oh Praise the Lord always

Things are begininng to change and happen but i know i can trust in the Lord for everything. I believe God will straightened the ways for me and bring me through the current obstacle i am facing in the PR application. Yupz. In regards, to that matter change in tide... things seems to have calm down after a stormy period. I do hope i have taken the right approach to it though. Everything is already in motion and just waiting for God to unveil it out. I rather put my trust in God then in myself because God has prove to me how faithful He is! For the matter i will put on the shelf till the times comes again to deal with it. Thank you Lord!!

Gentle as the breeze that blows
Gentle as the finger that wipes the tears of the face
Even more gentle is the love of God

Flowers that sways and trees that rustles in the breeze
Creatures sing and make their music
Bring songs of joy, praising the Almight God

The flow of the river, smooth and sparkling
Bring streams of refreshment to flora and fauna
Even more refreshing and life giving are the streams that flow from God

Awesomeness of the Niagara Falls
Majestic and strength of the lion
The beauty of sunrise and sunset

Nothing and absolutely nothing can compare to God
He is beyond description
For God is the most majestic, glorifc, beautiful, awesome

Enduring, pushing on.... ahhhh.. It seems like.. sometimes, we are assigned on cases to handle and to pray for.. pretty much there.. Jus wondering is there someone on my case?? or is it btw me and God only??

Eyes can tell heaps of stuff.. aye.. sometimes i wish i could tell frm a person's eyes directly what is going on... every single thing, wont tt be easy to sort things out. Nah... dream on.. but i really wish i know wat the eyes are saying.. Something tt is given back to God with heaps of effort somehow is return again or is it new stuff growing...

Wats the next step to it... scratching my head.. still pursuing after God for strength and wisdom and control. But inside.. is like the pressure and turmoil is definitely tremedous.

Question: Is this even suppose to be happening?? Am i the main cause of it?? Did i do something wrong tt cause it to happen??

Trying really hard to make things right... it seems alrite still. But things are happening in really interesting ways.. till i am caught by surprise even though i thought i am yeah.. can face it.. the next moment.. i am like ahhhh under the wall... >_<"""

What's the main point of going thru' this?? There must be something tt has to be learn frm this.. i believe.. probably i am too blinded and confuse to listen to God's speaking... very like probability.

pretty much feel like.. losing alot of close frens.. back in sg. As i look back.. everything has change.. life has changed. Everything familiar has changed. Changes is alot of things tt cant be fore see.. after been away for so long. Accept it and blend in.. not much time available for that. How long will i be in sg or will i be in brissy. Not long.. after building up the frenship here.. and learning life and having the support.. it has to be let go.. once again.

Writing a new chapter in life.. been talking abt this alot of times.. aye.. yeah pretty much adding on. I now kinda of understand wat it means to for anyone to follow Christ, hav to leave behind everything, including family, frens, comfortable living conditions. Leaving for Canada is like leaving behind such things.. for sake of God's Kingdom. Its hard, its painful.. though but its definitely worth it. Starting a life dependent on God and being with my relatives whom i didnt see them for many many years. Moving ard.. cherishing every single moment i still have left with my family and frens.. Moving on.. still much stuff... i wish i could jus type in out.. but most are beyond words and cant be mention for certain reasons... But believe everything is in control by God..

It super weird.. hey... blogger website in chinese. Ahhh.. dun know wat happened seems like someone change the settings in sch computer.. Thk God i know wat the buttons are.. if not hav to check dictionary to findo ut wat the chinese character means.

Back to topic... Thought that things are going to be better.. but it isnt hey... have to press on..
And best thing is i forget there was a meeting at beng's hse... ah dan.. said "Mel is going to kill u...." yeah. well kill me lor.. heez i believe she wont .. There's so much stuff in my mind.. i still remember abt the meeting thingy like this afternoon ... eventually forget to check out and end up forgetting it as well.. ahhhhhh.. trouble is brooding.. Going thru' the same thing doesnt mean tt u will be able to handle it without trouble aye. Instead it makes me think alot more.. tricky and sticky situation...

May May May.. next up is June.... big changes are happening already... jus feel that the person i can depend is still God. I will be like on my own.. again.. away frm support and presence of my fren's in brisbane. God will be my support and teacher i suppose.. and whoever He place in my life to train me up.... To Alberta and to montreal...

This is like standing infront of the river.. and its gushing... taking the step of faith into the river tt comes frm the God.. to be immerse in it.. and be wash along with the currents and trusting in God all the way.. the sound of it is becoming stronger.. almost like i am already near to the edge..
"Jump in.. jump in" "do not worry becos I will be with you all the way my child"....

Please Lord give me the strength to jump in .... n be lead by You...

It passing on... one chapter of life is almost finishing and another chapter will be starting soon. Sometimes, i wish i could turn back time and change a little things here and there to make things look a little nicer and a little better. But its always this little things tt cause tremors in life yet most of the times are left unnoticed. But it leaves a impression tt make me think again when the past flashes by. Things tt need to be rectified, restored...

Coming close to the grips of death and escaping it by a thread... now i kinda understand how time actually slows down.... and thoughts will start to swell in your head.. after the incident or during the process of it. Nvr really like staying in hospital, the place where u get to experience the pain and suffering pple gone through. But its the only time, where i am exposed to how God's grace and strength has brought me thru'. How many of the pple in there have already heard n accepted Christ. Lonliness and emptiness fills the heart of the pple... some been in there so long the hope they cherish seems to have disappeared.

The time there was spend reflecting and reading the bible.. tryin to understand wats the lesson behind everything tt happened. Coming back to the feet of Jesus, spending the precious time with Him. Crying out to Him and leaning, depending on Him. Reflection of how life has been wasted for things tt aren't impt. As i think and think abt the things that are happening. Its really learning to draw into God's presence in the midst of illness and everything. Finding rest in Him even when there seems to be no one is able to help and comfort. Journey of faith into the unknown ahead following where God wants. Coming again to taking risk for God and looking towards Him and following Him no matter what life circumstances are.

They said.. after experiencing near death, paradigm of a person changes and the person learnt to cherish life more. I agreed on tt.. but wat i want to achieve is more like cherishing the time tt i have now to serve and be used for God and putting my life out for Him. Taking new risks and moving out for God.

Php 1:21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Things seems to be getting better.. the fighting within has gone down.. but not the physical fighing... I have been fighting with the toilet bowl for the past few hrs.. stupid diaherra, cough, flu.... driving me nuts... Esp the diaherra.. came back with a vengence after like 2 days.. ahhh....