Exams are finally over.... yeah now is waiting for results. This is the time of waiting and trusting God to move and provide the way. Within like 2-3 mths i will be leaving this place i think or maybe earlier or later. Lord you have to move in to guide and lead me. I can do t without you at all. Lord i really hope tt i will be able to work even for a short period of time here before i go back and tt i will be able to get a job in canada as well. i really cant stay in sg for too long as it will prove to be difficult to leave as well.

I am still fighting the internal battle. The turmoil and the pressure is strong but stil i have to compress it and not let it leak out as it will be very problematic. Anything will be fine after i leave i suppose.. Lord i trust in You.

Just need to blog.... now is the time, the more I can depend on God, the more I will do it. I remember the song by Chapman Curtis.. "Bring it on". Watever thing that comes along the way tt is difficult and impossible for me to achieve, then all the more i can trust and depend on God instead. Thus i will face it with God strength and not depend on myself. I will triumphed over it. I will still pray and wait upon the Lord for the final answer and wait for His right timing. Perservering results in patience and trust in God.

And it is only through this that i can learn to how to fight hand in hand with God. Though times, i will slipped, fall and eat dirt and grim. I will stand up with strength from God and conquer it. Becos in God all things are possible!!!

Though things arent always the way we want it to be but the choice for us to choose if we want to be angry, sad, happy. I tried all i can today to present a cheerful self for peg's bday. I tried but things are just tough. I didnt really want to dampen the atmosphere at all.. i seriously tried. The strain, brokeness still hangs around. Eyes swollen frm tears, try to sleep before going for it but cant sleep. End up feeling even down. I chose to remain cheerful but the wats inside was far more in concentrate and strength. It leaked out.. simply leaked out. Not in the best mood possible... but glad to hang out with frens, bros, sis'. Jus hope tt i didnt dampened the entire thinggy... at the end.. i really didnt want things to turn out this way.. but it did.. it did.. it just did..

Filled with confusion and turmoil within..
But choose to be joyful in the Lord

Overwhelmed by circumstances without full understanding
But choose to trust in God for everything that comes my way

Tears flows down with sadness and desperation
But choose to sing praises to the Lord

Cracks in the life, tears in the heart
But choose to be filled and overflowed with joy of the Lord

Whatever that comes my way
I will look to God and trust in Him

At road's end..

Totally broken... i am a human after all... I dont want to feel like this at all.. but tt it is what i am facing and feeling now.. It always happen tis way.. it always..

What is the main reason behind it?
Why does it appear again just when i thought everything is returned in prayer?
How am I suppose to deal with this and am I doing the right thing?
When will the answer appear or it has n tt i am just too blur n full to have miss it?

Carried on the wings of love
Covered by the wings of love
Soaring above the moutains of oppression
Soaring over vast oceans of despair
Soaring above the clouds of confusion
Such wonderful love of God
Gentle, passionate and powerful
Restores and refreshes
Where hope and redemption is freely given
That is God's love to us

Back into the arms of my Father
Holding onto hands that always reaches out
Back to the place where tears become joy
Walking hand in hand down the road call life
Always knowing that He is there
Always carrying me on His shoulders
Always cheering me on in life
Showering never ending love and blessing unto His child

i really really tired today.. much thks to QR repairing and replacing old tracks from Milton side onwards. At first was alrite.. then it got more and more noisy till cant really sleep. End up trying to pray but cant really focus and keep dozing off and jolt awake by the noise. From twelve to around 5am. This was the crucial time to sleep becos the noise has ceased.. and the replacement work probably went on way out of hearing distance. But sadly to say, i cant sleep anymore, way past the sleeping timing. Literally was awake till tired got over me.. and i started to sleep. Best, alarm sounded, time to wake up. Haiz...

Had a great bday dinner for shawn didi today. Everyone enjoyed themselves, i would say. I did not for the steak though which was hard and tough to cut and chew. Had to swallow down the whole pieces couple of times. The fellowship was great and abt crazy. Pretty much outside is enjoying but inside is wah.. stress and turmoil. Still struggling and kinda of been dealing with it. Been praying again & again... recommiting to God the emotions and feeling and everything. Suppressing everything is really tough n difficult. Self control & dependence on God to succeed in dealing with it. But still wish there is someone whom is taking charge of this case..

Pretty much it will be over soon i suppose.. keep pressin on & trusting in God. Endurin and persevering on. Let not words stumble others nor let it be shown out to others. Jus dun want to cause pple to be troubled and stressed out becos of tt.

This is going somewhere at least.. i think. Today is a tiring and draining day.. for the past few days been staying in the lib till morning... wow, i think the cleaner also know who i am liaoz..

In his mind "This boi again.. haha" Pretty much coldz.. almost rode into the river was surprise to see how high the river water was.. instead of riding straight, was heading towards the river.. heez. It will interestin to see myself... riding straight into the river heez.. "NOooooooooo" , splash.. like in movies n funny home videos.

Some things have been done wrong.. n remedy in progress.. Some things which i done... hopefully its the right thing to do.. What do u think?? Need t continue to press on.. and fight on. Another battle might be coming up soon... waiting for the news. It's time to start preparing myself for the battle in case i am caught off guard. yupba yupba...

Crushed and defeated...

Broken and scattered...

Tears and dust remains...

Heart filled with confusion...

Heart filled with pain....

Heart filled with questions...

Answers seems to flee...

Hidden beyond the clouds...

Simply like chasing down the winds...

Once again, coming to the throne...

Utterly lost and broken...

To seek His face...

Where silence seems unbearable...

Where hope seems so far away...

Gentle words rung in the heart...

"Trust in Me"....

"Wait upon the Lord"...

"You are in good hands"...

---------------------------------

In life, waiting upon the Lord is one of the toughest period. Not knowing what is happening and the reason behind it. Dun even know the questions to ask... but simply cried out to the Lord and commit everything to Him once again. For a moment everything seems to have subsided and taken away. The next moment, what was taken away suddenly seems to have be returned twice fold... Bearing the broken and a contrite heart to the Lord again... cryin out to Him... though i may not understand the exact reason.. and things are reveal yet. I will still hold on to the Lord.. and continue to commit it to Him. I must not give up on the Lord.. for He has never forsaken me at all. Difficult it is to face.. but its only God i can depend on... The same question stand "Is there someone on the case?" Or God is the only one on my case... so tt i can learn to depend on Him more and build up the relationship with Him to a deeper extent. Remember God is all i need... God is all i need... God is all i need....

Somethings are so close and yet so far.. Its contradicting but its so true. I can help but laugh at it. Everything was like so close to grabbing it and to own it.. the next moment, its like a hundred millions miles ahead. At this pt, the feeling is weird... should cry or should laugh or simply be stunned, mouth and eyes wide open. Shaking the head and said to myself "Move on buddy, move on..." The only reason i can think of is.. waiting upon the Lord and trusting in His plan and provision. Though sometimes the blow can be a knock or crushing blow... time is required to recover. But rest assured that a hand is reaching out to me (for this I am sure). Lying down crushed and beaten on the ground but hearing a voice "Take my hand, take my hand, Jabez" Slowly in tears, looking up its God. The nail scars are still there. The voice continue "Please take my hand... my precious child" Knowing that God is always there by me. Not because He doesnt care for me and let me be beaten n crushed but i would say i always choose to stray away and end up getting beaten n crushed. Slowly, i reached out to His hand and hold it. God simply lifted me up and bring me to a place where i am restored and refreshed. Whenever i hold His hand and walk together with Him. He always be the first to carry me on His back and bring me through the obstacles and difficult times in my life.. Isnt it wonderful to have such a God that cares and love us. Thank you, Jesus.

As the sun rises and sets everyday
As the moon appears and goes away everyday
Thus is the Lord's faithfulness which never changes

Like the love shown by parents their her children
Like the love between couples
Thus is the Lord's love which is ever ending

Thy Lord's compassions never fails
Thy Lord's eyes never wander off
Thy Lord's ears are never shut off

Who can compare to the Lord
Who deserve all honor, glory and majesty
And all creations on heaven and on earth shouts His praise

Praise the Lord, all creations
Praise the Lord, all sons and daugthers
Praise the Lord, Oh Praise the Lord always

Things are begininng to change and happen but i know i can trust in the Lord for everything. I believe God will straightened the ways for me and bring me through the current obstacle i am facing in the PR application. Yupz. In regards, to that matter change in tide... things seems to have calm down after a stormy period. I do hope i have taken the right approach to it though. Everything is already in motion and just waiting for God to unveil it out. I rather put my trust in God then in myself because God has prove to me how faithful He is! For the matter i will put on the shelf till the times comes again to deal with it. Thank you Lord!!

Gentle as the breeze that blows
Gentle as the finger that wipes the tears of the face
Even more gentle is the love of God

Flowers that sways and trees that rustles in the breeze
Creatures sing and make their music
Bring songs of joy, praising the Almight God

The flow of the river, smooth and sparkling
Bring streams of refreshment to flora and fauna
Even more refreshing and life giving are the streams that flow from God

Awesomeness of the Niagara Falls
Majestic and strength of the lion
The beauty of sunrise and sunset

Nothing and absolutely nothing can compare to God
He is beyond description
For God is the most majestic, glorifc, beautiful, awesome

Enduring, pushing on.... ahhhh.. It seems like.. sometimes, we are assigned on cases to handle and to pray for.. pretty much there.. Jus wondering is there someone on my case?? or is it btw me and God only??

Eyes can tell heaps of stuff.. aye.. sometimes i wish i could tell frm a person's eyes directly what is going on... every single thing, wont tt be easy to sort things out. Nah... dream on.. but i really wish i know wat the eyes are saying.. Something tt is given back to God with heaps of effort somehow is return again or is it new stuff growing...

Wats the next step to it... scratching my head.. still pursuing after God for strength and wisdom and control. But inside.. is like the pressure and turmoil is definitely tremedous.

Question: Is this even suppose to be happening?? Am i the main cause of it?? Did i do something wrong tt cause it to happen??

Trying really hard to make things right... it seems alrite still. But things are happening in really interesting ways.. till i am caught by surprise even though i thought i am yeah.. can face it.. the next moment.. i am like ahhhh under the wall... >_<"""

What's the main point of going thru' this?? There must be something tt has to be learn frm this.. i believe.. probably i am too blinded and confuse to listen to God's speaking... very like probability.

pretty much feel like.. losing alot of close frens.. back in sg. As i look back.. everything has change.. life has changed. Everything familiar has changed. Changes is alot of things tt cant be fore see.. after been away for so long. Accept it and blend in.. not much time available for that. How long will i be in sg or will i be in brissy. Not long.. after building up the frenship here.. and learning life and having the support.. it has to be let go.. once again.

Writing a new chapter in life.. been talking abt this alot of times.. aye.. yeah pretty much adding on. I now kinda of understand wat it means to for anyone to follow Christ, hav to leave behind everything, including family, frens, comfortable living conditions. Leaving for Canada is like leaving behind such things.. for sake of God's Kingdom. Its hard, its painful.. though but its definitely worth it. Starting a life dependent on God and being with my relatives whom i didnt see them for many many years. Moving ard.. cherishing every single moment i still have left with my family and frens.. Moving on.. still much stuff... i wish i could jus type in out.. but most are beyond words and cant be mention for certain reasons... But believe everything is in control by God..

It super weird.. hey... blogger website in chinese. Ahhh.. dun know wat happened seems like someone change the settings in sch computer.. Thk God i know wat the buttons are.. if not hav to check dictionary to findo ut wat the chinese character means.

Back to topic... Thought that things are going to be better.. but it isnt hey... have to press on..
And best thing is i forget there was a meeting at beng's hse... ah dan.. said "Mel is going to kill u...." yeah. well kill me lor.. heez i believe she wont .. There's so much stuff in my mind.. i still remember abt the meeting thingy like this afternoon ... eventually forget to check out and end up forgetting it as well.. ahhhhhh.. trouble is brooding.. Going thru' the same thing doesnt mean tt u will be able to handle it without trouble aye. Instead it makes me think alot more.. tricky and sticky situation...

May May May.. next up is June.... big changes are happening already... jus feel that the person i can depend is still God. I will be like on my own.. again.. away frm support and presence of my fren's in brisbane. God will be my support and teacher i suppose.. and whoever He place in my life to train me up.... To Alberta and to montreal...

This is like standing infront of the river.. and its gushing... taking the step of faith into the river tt comes frm the God.. to be immerse in it.. and be wash along with the currents and trusting in God all the way.. the sound of it is becoming stronger.. almost like i am already near to the edge..
"Jump in.. jump in" "do not worry becos I will be with you all the way my child"....

Please Lord give me the strength to jump in .... n be lead by You...

It passing on... one chapter of life is almost finishing and another chapter will be starting soon. Sometimes, i wish i could turn back time and change a little things here and there to make things look a little nicer and a little better. But its always this little things tt cause tremors in life yet most of the times are left unnoticed. But it leaves a impression tt make me think again when the past flashes by. Things tt need to be rectified, restored...

Coming close to the grips of death and escaping it by a thread... now i kinda understand how time actually slows down.... and thoughts will start to swell in your head.. after the incident or during the process of it. Nvr really like staying in hospital, the place where u get to experience the pain and suffering pple gone through. But its the only time, where i am exposed to how God's grace and strength has brought me thru'. How many of the pple in there have already heard n accepted Christ. Lonliness and emptiness fills the heart of the pple... some been in there so long the hope they cherish seems to have disappeared.

The time there was spend reflecting and reading the bible.. tryin to understand wats the lesson behind everything tt happened. Coming back to the feet of Jesus, spending the precious time with Him. Crying out to Him and leaning, depending on Him. Reflection of how life has been wasted for things tt aren't impt. As i think and think abt the things that are happening. Its really learning to draw into God's presence in the midst of illness and everything. Finding rest in Him even when there seems to be no one is able to help and comfort. Journey of faith into the unknown ahead following where God wants. Coming again to taking risk for God and looking towards Him and following Him no matter what life circumstances are.

They said.. after experiencing near death, paradigm of a person changes and the person learnt to cherish life more. I agreed on tt.. but wat i want to achieve is more like cherishing the time tt i have now to serve and be used for God and putting my life out for Him. Taking new risks and moving out for God.

Php 1:21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Things seems to be getting better.. the fighting within has gone down.. but not the physical fighing... I have been fighting with the toilet bowl for the past few hrs.. stupid diaherra, cough, flu.... driving me nuts... Esp the diaherra.. came back with a vengence after like 2 days.. ahhh....

Fighting with the strength of the Lord... Though sometimes i might fail or feel tired, i certainly will not give up fighting. Things are abit complicated at the moment.. believe tt the Lord will clear things up for me..

Watch the moves
Watch the mouth
Be cautious and not slack down...

I cant afford to .. or else..

Breaking point....

Today... is almost to breaking point. So much stuff pushing out of my brain... i feel like exploding.. and feeling very sick as well. Ever since it started.. the peak was at convention.. I simply feel like screaming my head off.. The assault was really non-stop n its simply so hard to handle.. Lord help me, i need your strength my Lord... i really need it.

Even today... i nearly broke down into tears.. well in the room. I am so lost, the storm within is hard to quench and been praying and praying.. but the pedal doesnt seems to ease off at all. Do i have to face this again.. especially during this period of time. Emotionally drained... so drained... Lord, i need your strength, wisdom and revelation...

3 weeks.. in a row.. on pa, sunday can never be more tiring. Was so happy that can finally sleep till later.. six am.. ring ring ring.. i was huh.. i didnt set my alarm using tt phone leh.. i call back the miss call.. ta da!! congrats.. we are on for PA.. still drowsy frm my sleep.. quickly wash up and get ready. Frm tt time.. its a really tiring.. time onwards. totally knocked out during sermon.. and headache setting in.. feeling really sick.. and tired..


As the time proceeds on.. till the end of service.. was feeling drained.. thoughts starting flowing in.. it seems like the season is pretty long.. for a lot of pple. The question pop into my mind again.. was like.. nah.. not again.. no no no...but still thk God manage to get a short nap before shedding wool... seriously.. i really dunno wat to think and feel at this times..

Much much later at southbank.. see this beautiful rainbow.. was like wow.. its a full rainbow.. took some pics of it.. later as i move in further.. wah -ha.. see another rainbow above tt rainbow... its like wow.. reminded abt God's covenant.. with His pple. its a beautiful sight.. My mind was flooded with thoughts again.. n after seeing the double rainbow.. everything vanished. Meet up with Vun, Hoong, Ming, Allister for dinner at westend.. its was a great dinner.. after finishing sat ard and chatted.. but somehow the topic shifted onto me again.. the last thing.. i expected was to hear Hoong ask the question.. i was like.. oh no.. not again.. The headache started coming back again...Thk God the topic shifted off.. phewz.... yeah

After a while later, we head off for a movie.. while vun headed home. When at southbank... i told Hoong.. tt i saw a double rainbow.. He was wow.. and say "Haha, a double confirmation>> so wat were u praying for me??" -_-'''''... literally lost for words.. and started recalling did i pray and ask God for anything before seeing the rainbows?? Yeah i did.. no need to write it out.. its confusing.. one more.. thing.. tt one.. no need to write out as well... Keep prayin and seeking.. cant make any mistakes.. no room at all..

is it really happening?????/

Counting down....

3 months (more or less)??? Canada isnt really tt far off, i will be uprooting myself soon to travel to the place where God has called me to. Its gonna be exciting and total dependence of God. The need to adapt and change to new environment and new life style, culture etc etc.

When the calling came, its last yr.. seem meh chiam like long way to go loh.. but now.. see see so fast sia... quick till see no thing at all. Definitely miss miss lotsa pple leh.. but then hoi.. have to go still.. It confirm plus guarantee chop.. its not a bad bad thing lah.. instead it beri beri goodz..

aiyo.. going to miss sa singlish.. there were the times hoi.. where english is sing sing.. mia play play meh.. soon it will be bonsoir, meric, bonjour, comment est-ce-que vous vous appelez??
but i believe i can do it because God is with me !!!!

Au voir, la nuit

Déchire

Déchire cette chute, mais aucun ne verrait

Déchire cette chute, mais on garderait

Déchire cette chute, mais on saurait

Something just been left behind and something that is close. Most of the time.. is just a sight and never to be kept. Best things in life sometimes is just sight and knowledge that everything is fine and good with the person.

Departure time is getting closer... recently doors are close and not really thinking too much of it well sometimes it gets back at you, sticking around and poking and poking... simply just makes a person wonder. Still praying and hoping.. its so near and yet so far. Soon it will get further and further away... its really hard to come by such opportunity and rare to find back the feelings that you thought will never again be found.. Yet when its found, it just have to face a wall..

Waiting and patience is a virtue... and total dependence on God is one tough thing yet to be mastered. But i wll press on for the Lord. Be with me O Lord... once again i commit and place everything at the altar and coming back to your side, sitting on Your lap and holding You tightly. Crying out to You, knowing that You are the one whom will always be with me, always and forever..

Longing to be in Your presence
Adoring and marveling at Your beauty
Where praises and worship never ceases for You
Where Your awesome glory and honour is displayed
At Your feet, where all will bow in reverence and fear

Strict, just and righteous is the Lord
Yet so gentle and merciful
Who's love never ends towards us
Who's always watches over us

The oncoming battle

i feeling really weird.. orientation is like coming on monday.. Just simply felt like a something major is going to happened. Feeling is like exploding feeling in my heart and sense of major battle and victorious feeling.

Jsut felt a battle is going full, images of vast armies clad in shining armours and weapons glimmering and all full on to move into battle once again. Felt a conviction tt i will have to fight on in GU and push for it. Whatever tt happens is not about me but who God is and who is the commander of the army. Suddenly was reminded of the verse Jos 5:13-15 again. God is moving and His armies seems to be moving out as well.

Where's love that's strong as steel?
Where's love that's sweeter then honey?
Where's love that's enduring?
Where's love that's faithfully showered?

That's the love of our Saviour,
That's given freely to all,
Love that binds and saves
What more can I ask for..

Hmmm...

Erm i hope i didnt do the wrong thing. Just hope that everything is still fine and well. Really dun want unnecessary headaches and watever. Lost for words...

(If you are reading this, rest assure its not about you. Its something else)

Open, close, open, open, close, close
So is it open close or close open
Or is it always open
Or is it always close
Or at the start there wasnt suppose to be an open or close.

Relationship aiyo! Beh tahanz!

Decision in life often seems so tough. In regards to relationship, it seems like climbing Everest. Requires steps of care and consideration not jus for ourselves but for others around as well. Careful planning is required.

Facing the person is like in a storm, waves of emotion churning up and down within with overwhelming effects that sometimes seems to drown the person. Self-control or just pure endurance or stuffing into a bag which end up either as excess burden. Maybe a time bomb waiting to explode anytime resulting in a total sense of loss and tears to bear at the damage.

Tts y its dont play play and must pray pray alot and hard hard

Another wk has passed.. things just seems like so interesting. Only a while in sg, already got hospitalised. I guess this is the first time, my family saw me in such condition.. probably got a big shock. My life seems to be on the line alot of times.. but i guess this is how I can really trust in God for His powerful protection and grace =) Its a new yr.. look forward to it.. its also ended.. so maybe its time to think abt it now.

7 more days to go.... it will be finished. Whats the plan?? kinda tough, i am so lost.. so so lost.. i really dunno how to sort things out and i have to.. aye. Before I go, need to sort out. hmm

Never once was.
Never started
Never has an ending
Probably never will...

Things arent really in control.. lost and struggling.. hmmm

Seasons in life....

Seasons in life.. sometimes, its such season that one is really brought to his knees and desperation.. where rest so to be in denial and troubles just piled up and up. I asked this question... what is the preparation and where and how does it link up. It seems like something big is happening and theres a need for prep. But no matter how it seems it jus doesnt really linked up. The amt of pain, physical, emotional, spiritual all direction jus came crashing down. The fear was knowing that its a testing and having to gone thru' a state of decay and seeing body jus getting worse plus all the areas. Fear gripped me.. its a testing, but i cant seem to be able to go through this myself, i dunno how to share and who to share with.. feeling lost and confused. Am i going to end up cursing God and fail Him in this testing? As a matter of fact, God knows the outcome, that i can be sure that He will be victorious and His name be glorified. But the fear is there, what if i make the choice and i failed the test. Sometimes it seems better off not knowing that its a test.. maybe not.

Hav a long chat with Doz.. the things shared simply reflected the state.. i have been through this. It like the second time... having to come to the point of rest in God, the point of grace.. resting in His strength and peace when all things fail.. where physical sleep is been denied, where eveyr ounce of the body is screaming, where reasons fail and cannot be understand. The act of learning to come to the point of grace... crying out to God and really letting go of the defences and to be totally broken down. Thats when grace of God comes in right at the very moment before u crash fully and lifted by His grace.

Alot of times, i fight alot and i keep fighting and fighting.. all this while with my physical strength. everytime, i need the grace and strength of God to fight and thats only happens when i am willing to give up my strength and realise the its God's grace and strength tt i need each day. It the act of coming into His rest and sanctuary where peace and joy still fills the soul and heart when reasons and everything fail. s

Sink it it....

Jus today have a chat with ah mingz and ah hoongz.. its been really like ages.. since we sit down and chat. Even though its only a short while.. the feeling is great. Still remember going out with them in West End sitting down chatting and enjoying slurpy.. That was when i first came over haha...

Sinking in it.. share with them abt what happened.. to me during this period of time.. Words are hard to articulate whatever that has happened. It can only be felt and seen by the person's own eyes and body. I was once again brought to reason for going thru trials and refinement. Sometimes is we asked God for it and other times it just slam straight in the face. I am going to sink the reason into my heart and hold on to it always. It started on tt nite, i was thinking abt life in the bathroom.. I was brought to the story of the precious pearl and the merchant searching for it and give up everything just for the pearl itself.

Figurativelty, Jesus is the pearl and i am the merchant. The day i accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour is the day that i bought the pearl. Everything was sold and in exchange for the pearl. Nothing belongs to me becos i have sold them all to have Jesus in my life. Everything that i have including my body belongs to God. Its like God is lending it to me for period of time. I should all the more take care of myself and change my life style to keep healthy and strong for God's work and stuff. I decide to change my life style.

Next, i saw a image of a game which i am playing and was creating soldiers frm the barracks for war. Every soldier that came out frm the barracks shouted "My life for Lordaeron!". At this moment, the question pop into my mind, "Who does yer life belong to?" Being a christian, we are also soldiers for Christ fighting against the enemies. A soldier is loyal to his king and even to the point of death. I just simply start saying "My life is for the Lord Jesus Christ!" Yes, this was the starting point of the testing. The night onwards, things jus simply become worst. I was really push to the point of going back on what i said. It was truely painful and long season to go through, but God grace and strength has brought me through. I will still say this words, " My life is for the Lord Jesus Christ!"

Praise and Glory only to God!

Point of Grace

Each day, passes by and come to a point of time whereby everything jus fails and no reason could explain whats happening in life. What is ahead is as dark as the night fall and everything jus seems to disappear. Tears jus couldnt stop falling and cried simply seems unheard at all. Taking away the resistance, taking away the barrier, taking away everything the surrounds the person.

What left is jus himself and emotions, life laid bared for all to see. The point of breaking down and being push to the edge where death is the only release. Its only at this drastic point, the point of grace.. The grace of God seems so strong and overpowering, simply whispering this words, "My child, i am watching over you. Come to me, you will find yer rest in Me." Jus like a father, holding his child in his arms, the child just cried and cried. The grace that sustains and comes at the right moment, no wonder its call the sweet grace of God. In midst of everything being torn away and the grace of God is simply so sweet and comforting amidst the bitterness and pain that floods a person soul.

Each day of living through the life, is only by the grace of God, in this time of pain and testing, i really felt God's presence and His power. The words of His simply comforts me and my soul could find the rest and peace in Him alone.

Sweet Grace of God

In midst of pain,
In midst of sorrows,
Where hope seems to fade each day,
Where life seems overwhelming,

At the breaking point,
Tears fall uncessingly,
Pain and sorrows floods the soul,
Amazing grace of God appears

In the stillness, hope abounds,
Grace that calms the raging seas,
Grace that calms the storms,
Grace lifted up the afflicted, hurt

How sweet, the sound of grace
That calms the soul, the pain and the hurt
Peace and joy fills the heart to overflowing
For indeed His grace is sufficient for me

Ages and ages.. my blog full of cobwebs and dust. It really a long time since i came in.. Too busy with stuff as well. Life is always interesting.. i am really glad each day is a happy and great day for me.. life has never been so joyful even in the midst of all the exams and worries and stuff. God has really changed so much of me to the point i can ever imagine.

Somethings still tug on and stick on like super glue it seems. Feelings and emotions.. as least i am glad i am not overwhelmed by it anymore. As i know the reasons and ways of dealing with it. I still have the habit of able to covered and hide emotions till the extent that i dun feel it. Until recently talking to some of my really close friends cause it to resurface again. Its like coming back to the point again. Relationship.. is it time or is it not. Am i going to remain single all my life or i will be married haha.. its really funny to think abt it. Looking ard in church and friends all abt, i think abt it.. yes what kind of feeling do i have towards them? Its the same answer, i treat them as my brothers and sisters nothing more nothing less.

Kinda went thru' every single feeling that i have towards the ladies.. so far i came to realise.. except for two persons.. the feelings are different. One has always been the first girl whom i really love. I would say i love her still both as a friend and sister. Its like going abt in circles and in the end, the feeling towards her seems to be staying on.. and refuse to go away. So the question is am i the one for her?? (Imagine myself loooking at God for an answer?)

Other is another girl whom came into my life before i came over to aussie. Yeah.. this is not as strong as the other one. But everything seems very smooth and great.. Still treating her as my younger sister and friend. I wouldnt really want to think so much upon it.

Its really hard to comprehen at times.. lost also.. Big things are really happening now.. and there is alot of people ard that will cause me to go head over heels.. actually its coming soon, the nagging feelings.. God please capture these feelings of mine and take them away. Its just isnt the right timing at all. I still have yrs ahead before i can even think abt moving into this area.

War is starting soon.. but where my rifle and ammo and defences??? Wake UP!!

Compassion....

Its like till today, i finally realise that compassion is not only towards non-believers. In fact its also for our brothers and sisters. Through the eyes of compassion of Jesus, we see the needs of our fellow mates and to really reach out for them.

Christian sometimes do face different situations and problems.. in life. It can be overbearing and burdensome at times. Compassion is something tt really helps and bring hope and light into their hearts as well as ours. I do lack of alot of compassion towards people.. is it because i have numb myself for too long?

In the darkmess, You sought and seek me
Out of the darkness, You bring me into the Light
The marvelous light that shone on my paths
The pathways of righteousness and holiness

Into Your Presence i come, trembling
So holy and so awesome
But gently You smile and hold me close
Saying this wonderful words, "I love you my child"

Emmanuel

Hmm.. Emmanuel it means "God with us". Ever really thought of how close actually God is with us. Somehow, i never really thought about it before. Jus have this impression is that this only applies in the time of Jesus ministry. Where Jesus is actually physically with them. Yeah it simply shows tt God is with them, so it fullfilled the prophecy. I never really given it a 2ns=d thought abt it at all.

One fine day as i was reading the bible.. i read on the comments suddenly it mentions.. "God with us" still applies today, even so closer then before. Fact is the Holy Spirit who is God lives in our heart today. Arent it really exhilarating to know that. God is dwelling in within us. He is so close to us. Its really encouraging indeed

2006.. a new yr has already rolled in. so much changes has occur.. this yr will be an eventful yr for me. Ministry and care grp changes have occurred. Now being send out to new battle grd. It gonna be a real great year ahead. Need to continue to trust in God and follow His plan. yupz.

THere again.. so much things on my mind.. to think abt. Need to settle down quickly n get the ball rolling. yupz. been away for almost a yr already.. starting to wonder how pple are back in sg. I also dunno whether will i be staying put here or going back? so many things tt need to seek God for.. Somehow got a idea of it, hmm. hav to wait patiently.

It indeed seems like a long time i wrote in blog again.. hmmm. interestingly time flies past so fast. Its already 2006. i didnt go for count down. instead i slept at eleven pm.. haha. exactly at 12am i was woken up by the fire works at southbank. I never see so much fire works in my life before.. brisbane should also be call a firework city haha. force myself back to sleep. the next moment when i was abt to fall asleep... my phone sounded. was awoken.. check the phone. receive a sms frm my parents.. and one of my church mates.

So far it seems like my parents are more tolerant towards me being a christian than before. It seems like God is working in their life as well. using my life as a testimony for my parents to hear as well. Glad that they are more open now believe that one day the altar in my hse will disappear n my whole family will be worshipping the One and Only True God!!

couple of stuff happened.. since i started work. Kinda like burn myself out due to work. haha. now suffering frm swollen hands and aching body. It a good job i must agreed. God really bless me with a great supervisor and working environment. yippee good pay as well. Though its tiring but its worth the while. Recently was doing linishing of screws.. cutting n polishing screws on the equipment. The freak accident happened, it was so painful. Linishing halfway as usual sparks fly n small pieces of burning metal fly ard. My face was kinda like being hit by them. The next thing tt could happened. is one of the small pieces.. fly into my eye. I was wearing goggles at the moment.. i could practically feel the metal burning in my eye ball n it was like a hot metal cooling in the water. It hurt so much. I went to the toilet tryin to remove it. somehow.. it didnt work.. i could barely open my eye. in the end.. keep washing till i feel better.. thought tt everything was fine. there wasnt any pain. continue working. The pain only came when i make my way home. I was sweating profusely. sweat went into my eye.. its so painful i couldnt open my it was then i realise tt my eyeball is definitely injure but jus couldnt see where it was.

On thursday, one nite after the incident. the eye was still feeling uncomfortable.. so i decided to pray in faith. I asked God to heal my injure eye. Specifically pray tt n believe tt my eye will be heal rite on the spot. Indeed i was heal.. the discomfort went away.. i was like.. wow.. i was healed by God. Praise God. Its my first kind of healing prayer.. it was answered.. God is indeed marvelous... yeah

The peace and love of God
One that surpasses all things
One that transcends all understanding
And peace like a river flow,
that calms and restores the heart and soul
And love like rays piercing through the clouds,
bring hope and light into lifes

As sadness breaks forth like waves upon the shore
Tears of pain and sadness flows like streams of river
So lost and confuse one could be
At the departure of a close one
Having left with just memories, a mark in our life

I seems to gotten myself into a mess which hard to handle.. or it isnt so complicated at all. Lord, i really need you in this... only You can help us now. Lord may everything go smoothly and settle down and in peace, O Lord

Sometimes i jus wish i could jus simply say this, " I MISS YOU!!!" Jus three simple words.. or even jus type it out .. it seems like the fingers all go numb n cant do it at all. Wats wrong wats wrong.. i think i am getting crappier then usual aye.. its the time of the day.. sleep sleep sleep.. exams are on FRIDAY... i AM really GOIng BONKers!!! haiz.... haha.. jus a short vent of tiredness and frustrations.. still hanging in there with God sustaining. heez.. sleep.. zzzzz.. (snorezzz)

tough times...

Really tough times... sometimes its always good to remind myself. if i dont want rainy days in my life.. dun PRAY for THEM.. =P

Well.. i really drained out and tired.. finally i have decided to turn back to the One.. thru this period i truely see how helpless i am as a human. Without Him in my life.. its totally chaos....

How long are u going to run away
My Child, how long are u going to run away
Many times I have called out to you
Many times, u have broken My heart
Many times, u have grieve me
Of this many times I have always forgiven you
So how long are you going to run away

See how weary you are
See how tired you are
Come into my embrace, I will hold you close
I will give you rest
I will strengthen you and carry you
My child, its time for u to come home
It really time...

Reflections

this few days seems like being scolded and chastised by God. Communion, i was kinda like asked this question wat does it mean exactly. Every christian should know the answer to it. There comes the 2nd questions, wat is communion to you? At this moment i was kinda stunned. I never really thought about it much. The worst thing is sometimes i treat communion as a routine or sometimes food and drink. I was like feeling so guilty. It never came across my mind, wat is communion to me personally. I really ashamed of my approach towards it.

It dawn on me tt communion is abt remembering wat Jesus Christ did on the cross for us. His body was beatened, pierced and blood shed for our sins. I knew this since i become a christian, but the thing is i never appreciated the true meaning of it. It was for me, for my sins that Christ was hunged on the cross. WAKE UP! WAKE UP!! It doesnt jus happen once a wk or month, during church communion but it is a daily affair. To remember wat Christ has done for us, in return to glorify Him with our bodies, everything. Treasuring the free gift of God and living a life obedient to God.

Today during worship, i couldnt help but jus cried and cried. At the moment i knew something was not right. I got another chastising from God again. "What has happened to you, why have u chose to forsaken Me and walk away and depend on your own strength? Guilt and pain feel my heart....

Blessing from God still continues.. Praise God

Its really tough maintaining a life focus on God.. have tried and still failed.. but still tryin yeah. God has continue to shower me with blessing and protection all this while. Jus recently have been blessed with a job interview been praying abt it as well. Praise God i have gone on to the final round of job interview. The fact tt it is my first attempt.. really praise God for it.

Again been studying late, thus didnt really sleep then i still manage to pass my online test praise God for tt. God has really been faithful to me. So mus continue to be faithful Him also.. amen! Jus today, finally experience something which i thought will happen in movie only. Was cycling.. kinda fast as well. Suddenly, the car infront of me opened the door. It happened so fast tt i cant even swerve off in time, bang. i knock into the door, somehow a miracle happened at least to me. i didnt do the 360 flip neither did i fall onto the road. The bike swerve upon impact. I kinda like glide across the handle bars and end up standing on the road.. with my bike behind me. I was also kinda shock.. really thk God i didnt land onto the road.. think there was a oncoming car.

All i suffered was a bruised and sprained pinkie (probably cant play guitar for a period of time) and kinda whack my lower part of my leg against the bike and twisted it. (not virtually twisting it). well at least i can still walk but with a limp.. and cant really twist my ankle. Well. i really thk God i didnt do a 360 flip or crash directly in to the door in which both will end up with serious consequences. Thank my Dear Father in heaven praise you. Amen.

Weeding has proceeded

Sometimes.. human really have to learn the hard way. No matter whether we know theres a better way. still we stubbornly chose the hard way. Yes.. a prayer to God.. to clean up my life. Really set my heart upon doing it. Its indeed amazing and wonderful how God works.

Started a off with a thirty day fast (one or two meals per day), doing my Q.T, continuing praying as and when prompted. Really trusting my life in God's hands and seeking Him first. I am really blessed by God indeed.

FIrst thing is i am looking for a job. Send out couple of resume. Need to find a job to clear atachment requirements. Yeah. Kinda like given up hope of getting a reply. But nonetheless, still prayed. THe next thing i realise is i got a call frm the company asking me to go for a interview.. whoa i was like it really happening. Went for the interview, it didnt really go well as it seems. I really pray and pray before the interview, leavin it to God. God really soften the heart of the interviewer, though it didnt went well. but somehow the interviewer mentioned tt he didnt have any reason not to give me a chance for the final round of interview. I was kinda sceptical abt it. Well, somehow i felt peaceful and happy even after a kinda bad interview. On the way to sch tts where i saw a picture which i mention in my one of the blogs. It really reassured me. Wait for news on friday. The next thing in mind was project. It wouldnt work and it was giving us so much problems.. ahhh.

Spend so much time for it. Till we kinda give up, presentation was on the next day. I have also been praying really hard for the project. I make up my mind to leave out time to go for care grp instead of staying behind to do project. But still kinda burdened. yeah on the day of presentation.. everyone was like sweating.. man.. this gonna be tough..how to smoke the supervisor. It isnt really working at all.. ahh suppose to be able to communicate two way. but one die.. so its only one way. Decided to commit it to God and worst still the slides was done the day before. n we didnt rehearsed or anything. Alot of things was so last min. Finally we went thru the oral presentation. it was still quite okay.. abit of fumbling abt. The demonstration came. Oh my.. all of us were like please please please. Everything went well.. until our supervisor want us to send a big file... we were like oh no.. tt it the end. gone. Thank God, the supervisor ask to send a ascii text file instead which we tried and it work.. whoa!! The next thing is really the smoke bomb part. Another student frm another project team shoot a question checking with us if it is two way communication.. Then we started throwing smoke bombs.. tryin to smoke n screen all of them with answers and at the same time change the topic to another one.

Well, it worked haha. I like to imagine this way. My team members n i throw smoke bombs, and Jesus is there fanning the smoke and it spread real quickly.. heez. Thk God. The supervisor didnt check the other board and he was really please with what we done. Given only half the time to do a project and "achieve" wat he wanted. Yippee praise God.

Next and last thing... whoa this is the best. On friday, i was like waiting for the call. I was also fighting a spiritual battle... as well. I was abt to give up the battle, then i remember tt God is the general of the battle, i am not fighting the battle alone but God is fighting for and with me. I pray n pray and it was over. Then i was kinda like sad cos the phone didnt ring. i was jus abt to give up on the thought the phone will, so i said a prayer to God. If its Yer will tt i can get thru' to the final round of interview, let it be. If i didnt, i will still thk You for it was a really good experience for me. I startd preparing to go to sch.. the next thing, my phone ring.. i was like in a shock.. could it be could it be. so i answered the phone. It was the company agent tt called, she mentioned i have made it to the final round of interview.. whoaa!!! Praise God. After ending the call. i couldnt help but cried.. its was tears of joy and gratitude towards my loving Father. Indeed i am so blessed by Him. I really thk God for a lesson i attended lead by Charis. It kinda woke me up.. n make me determine to change. I remember a verse she mentioned.

Mat 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

THis is one of the many promise tt God has given us. Thank You Lord!!

The tree, the leaf and the wind...

Got to read to story again as i was doing hse keeping on my mail box. It reminded me of some stuff, relationships and interpersonal stuff.

"Leaf departure is because of Wind's pursuit or is it because Tree didnt ask her to stay."

Yupz.. it really makes me think.. abt relationship.. i would say. About having feelings for somebody but didnt let the person know abt it. Also taking pple ard for granted. In the process of it, hurting them. The story dun exactly speaks of wat really happened but to a certain extent it really makes me reflect upon my approach towards frens ard me.

The thing is patience... like Mellayana has said, patience in waiting for the Lord's timing. Big sis also mentioned to me, maybe its time i should pray abt it and wait for the Lord's answer. I never really think praying abt it so far. Still i have feelings for her. Well, jus kinda lost at wat to do, still treating her as my sister which is the best thing so far. yeah in case i get myself into more trouble then ever. I wish i had the chance to meet up with her before i flied off but it didnt happened becos of a major incident. Well, I need to be patient. Maybe its really time for me to start praying abt the issue?? hmmm..

Prayer meeting on tues...

Its was a bad day for me i suppose.. havin to eat stained food and end up sick. Well.. becos i wasnt feeling too well, i manage to get permission to leave earlier then usual. Thought of going home but didnt instead i went for the prayer meeting instead.

Yeah.. went there with a heavy heart.. personally know wats wrong.. my spiritual life is currently parched.. somehow the river is clogged with dirt and stuff. Its so hardened. During the response to the prayer.. i suddenly felt a noose went ard my neck, it really suffocated me so badly.. i was struggling to break free of the noose. I was like being strangled.. i really wanted to scream.. and run out of the hall. i try to open my eyes but jus couldnt, the noose was getting tighter every second. i really feel like dying. Started praying to God for release.. but the feeling got worst.. i felt like fainting and falling to the grd. Couldnt breath.. couldnt move ard.. terrible feeling. i jus felt my head being detached off my body. i couldnt feel anything at all.

I jus simply feel so terrible... but simply continue praying and singing the worship song... it was a tiring spiritual battle.. at the moment i really wanted to give up and run away.. but something keep me praying on, trusting in the Lord. For He is the General in the battle field. It wasn't me fighting this war but the Lord of the hosts. Continued praying.. n praying. at last i could feel my body and the noose ard my neck was broken off. It was at the time i felt peacefulness in my heart, joy. It made me realise i am still weak and in need of the Lord in my life. Its time to weed out the garden and prune it, make it flourish again.

Socrhing.. woo... ahh...

Yeah.. sat was the Renewalk.. finally its over.. a ten 10km walk... under the sun. I really wonder isit really spring?! It was a scorching 36-37 degrees.. i think. thk God it didnt hit the max.. haha.. good thing i was cycling.. instead of walking.. CYling.. shouldnt i be walking muahah.. being front scout.. for walkers.. haha. i thought it will be easier n fun.. to do tt. yeah.. realise its more tiring then walking.. Misleaded three times... twice by marshalls n once becos there is not direction signs.. ahh.. had to cycle back n fro to check roads for signs. Well.. cant really blames the scouts for misleading pple.. only got to know abt the post on tt day itself.. n with no map given.. haiz.. a lot of walkers are really angry with us.. haiz. had a hard time explaining.. watever. It over.. i now like super chao ta.. sunburnt.. wahh.. guess this should be my darkest tan ever.. haiz.. it will not last for long.. cause its startin to peel sadz.. well.. now is spring n summer so still lotsa of chance to tan stil haha.. still feeling tired..

Good thing is there was cast party in the nite time.. for the anniversary dancers.. wow.. its was great.. haha. ate quite alot of food. n maybe half a tub of ice-cream..(not the big tub) its like i am havin revenge on the ice-cream..well. it jus makes me feel good after a scorchin day n nite time.. havin ice-cream to cool down yippeee!! Looking forward to the christmas dance.. tranining starting soon.. yeah yeah!!

Anger and frustrations

Sometimes it really really irritating, sickening. Jus felt like smashin up the computers in qut.. thks to them i have to redo my program again n again. till i am so sick of it. Cant it be more stable aye.... friday my blood really boiled. and i was really disturb the computer for a long time.. now thinkin of it still make me feel down. so much time wasted.. To laugh or to cry

well...

THis week is suppose to a break but end up.. hav to go to sch everyday to do assignment.. ahhh. project n assignment n preparation for EXAMS!!! Wow.. seems so packed n hectic. it is ahhhhh.. Well the most comforting thing is i still can turn to God for help. He is the only one tt can help me through n turn the situation ard.. hey time for a change.. aye.. yeah.

........

Its been so long... ever realise its all in a circle.. spinning round and round.. till a person simply like huh.. i have been walking ard in circle hmm.. After the talk with Big Bun, the JiJi realise something... circles.. tt all it abt. Its still jus her... all along. But somehow the feelings are jus simply locked.. n the key is either throw away or stack somewhere. Its jus walking ard in circles.. in the end it leads back to her again.

Something the JiJi asked himself.. if ever theres a time.. he will see her again on the streets or anywhere.. she is holding someone elses hand. Would he shed tears again.. would it be tears of joy for her or tears of sadness becos he has never told her abt how he feel towards her.

Still remember the time, JiJi saw her holding the hands of a guy, smiling happily. The whole world seem to collasped upon him... n he simply jus teared. That was the tears of sadness. Now coming to the same point again.. Wat would he do if he ever seen her again in the same kind of situation? This is wat he told himself... he should be happy for the her. Thk God tt she has found a better person. Prayin for them tt it will last till marriage till old age. Shedding tears of joy for her instead of tears of sadness.

Feelings are there.. probably will be since she's the first love of JiJi. The fact is she will never see this blog, probably nvr know how he still feel towards her. How he wish he could jus tell her how much he miss her, jus to see her smile... =)

Evax on Friday..

jus want to blog this out.. suddenly got thought passin in my mind.. cant catch hold of it.. so blog this first.. yeah

Its was indeed a dark n gloomy nite.. really windy n chilly.. we gather in the chapel as usual before going out evangelism.. i was like kinda wonderin evax at nite.. will there even be anyone to approach? tt nite there was a multi-cultural festival goin on as well in sch. so i mus admit i am quite skeptical yupz. Nonetheless it went ahead. Charis ask us to spend couple of minutes.. prayin to God for anything words or impression or vision. At first.. i find it hard to focus on God n listen to Him.. still bother by the bird attack in the morning. 2nd time in a wk.. Jus pray n try my best to focus.. slowly manage to get the focus back.. prayin to God whether is there anything tt He wants me to know n share out to others..

Slowly there was this darkness engulfing ard me.. was wondering wat this.. started to become even darker. i was wonderin.. something wrong? suddenly the picture change to mountains in the darkness, cold n chilly.. after awhile it changed again to a ship in the sea surrounded by darkness.. its seems to be more confusing.. then the picture changed again.. i saw a dark tunnel.. so dark.. then a light appeared.. n tts the end of the whole picture i saw while praying to God. I was like piecing all of them together tryin to figure out wats it all abt.

Suddenly everything became clear.. this was wat it was..

Darkness: Alot of pple who still in the darkness have not see the light (God)

Tunnel and light: Everyone fears when they are alone in the darkness, where there is light in the darkness it gives hope n sight for the person.. wanderin n lost.

Ship in the sea: Pple are still lost n blinded waiting to hear the Good News..

Mountains: Shepherd will travel even in the darkness to find His sheep and not give up, over the mountains, rivers, like the song "His Sheep am I"

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Sums up.. we were given the command to reach out to pple, sharing the good news of God. Be the light in the darkness, bringing in lost pple. I believe this is it. All i need to confirm certain stuff. yupz.. One of the things i been praying for as well.. compassion... Time to move out..

Dancing for the Lord of the dance

Finally, i have overcome the fear of dancing infront of alot of pple. NOt said i am no longer afraid but instead i will be more willing to take part. By God grace, the dance went smoothly.. during the last rehearse..abt half n hr ago.. i forget my moves.. n kinda like stun on the stage.. everything seems to stop. n pple at the bottom was like staring at me.. wow. i was like sweating.. n stress out. Indeed He is the Lord of the dance. Christmas is coming hear tt there is a dance too yeah i am going for it.. really pray hard tt i can make it. In Him all things are possible!

The Shepherd

Worries crease the forehead with wrinkles
Looking forth the horizon, darkness falls
Every step He took, calling out constantly
Over the steep sharp rocks, slipping and falling

Constantly He look around, eyes focusing in the dark
Sweats flow down His brow and sides, in weariness He continues
Calling out constantly, pushing on even when He's tired
Never resting, never slacking, fervently He searched

Cowering in the corner, a little sheep shivers
Braying away, fear gripped it
Many times it has wondered away
Into the dark unknown, where danger lies

A name was hear, the little sheep hears a tapping sound
Slowly it peeks out of the corner, again it hears its name
Braying even louder, slowly moving out of the corner
Soon a dark figure appeared infront of it

Frightened it was at the sight of the figure.
Stumbling it tried run away and hide
Strong, tender hands reach out to hold it
A gentle voice calls out it's name.

Happiness and joy filled the little sheep
Tears falling from the sherpherd's eyes.
Gently saying, "I am here, do not be afraid"
Cuddling the little sheep, heading back home

Where the pastures are always green
Where waters are always clear and refreshing
Back in the safe arms of the Sherpherd
That little sheep am I.

I dun really know wat to write today.. got some stuff on my mind. but jus couldnt get it out.. its good positive stuff. i suppose heez.. Things still bright now... a change is required.. life tt needs to be tidied up.. clearing up the mess.

Waiting still....when will appear.. haiz..

Waiting for the blue black to appear.. on my left foot n right knee.. Got stepped on my foot by someone wearing shoe.. it still hurt but after rubbin it.. the blue black still dun come out.. knee is doing something stupid.. n end up crashing into a bench n table.. Sometimes.. its kinda fun.. doing stupid things.. but mus be more careful..
SHouldnt hav done it.. too late for regrets... haiz.

Jus cant stop loving u...

haha.. so whoever readin this. might probably think.. who the gal?? =P nah nah nah.. its Jesus i am refering to. He holds me close in His arms, never let me go.. The extent of His love touches my heart.. thought i still fail Him fall.. Darkness seems overwhelming.. He still rescues me!! always..

Becos of HIs love.. i simply jus cant stop loving Him.. simply jus cant stop falling in love with Him..

Surrounding me..

Hmm.. jus kinda startin to worry abt pple ard me.. alot of things seems to be happening to them.. Jus dunno how to approach to ask.. n dunno wat to say... I hope i am not neglecting my bro n sis ard me.. been busy with sch stuff n etc.. hmm best way is to pray for them.. i suppose.

Take care my dear bro & sisters!

Dance..

Well well well.. i am learning to dance haha. It sound abit strange aye. Hmmm still remember my bad experience with dancing.. It was during pri. sch. did something wrong.. n end up leaving my partner standin in the middle of a basketball court. The girl was super angry n my teacher was also super angry. Well.. things can still go wrong aye.

BUt nonetheless.. i decided to overcome this fear.. n join the dancing.. practise for church anniversary.. thought i keep forgettin lotsa of move.. i will still continue to practise n learn it. It for God i am doin it.. yeah. Its really fun.. today was quite funny.. end up my foot got step on quite hard by someone.. hmm.. the bruise would probably appear in couple of days.. should be okay heez. Dancing is fun!!!

Perfect Day n Running after YOU!!

PErfect day.. would be the day Christ enter my life.. indeed it is.. tt where all the transformation slowly take place.. till who i am now. I still be transform. No matter how painful, tough, i still mus press on n run after God.

Being 24...

24 yrs have past in a glance.. seems like its jus happened in one day.. hmm.. wat installed for me. haha. Wish i could go for the unidus n prayer mtg. but cant have to stay in sch work late for the project which started so late... thk God for answering my pray n now we hav a supervisor.

My 24th bday n is gonna be in sch.. wow.. how interesting this can get.. simply means ... i am older should be more wiser, responsible then before. Shouild be time for me to sleep.. i suppose. both my eyes are like totally blur n cant see clearly.. hmm..

Masque Soiree

Today was the day ... it should be yesterday. haha. first time have to wear suit, tie, long sleeves, pants n leather shoes plus a mask for the event. ultimate formal. liaoz.. feel so weird.. way too formal.. had a good time. At least can try once.. haha

Had quite a enjoyable time.. there are two best part to the play.. haha. one was when Rhys show his glory haha.. my jaws drop.. oh my.. it actually happened.. infront of so many pple.. i jus cant stop laughing.. The next best part was Isaac.. he dress like a girl.. i was like.. so stunned.. haha. He the best.. It was a great nite.. overall. =)

Glances into the time...

Its been half a yr since i left singapore on my own. Recently having lotsa of flashback.. ever since the hospital stay. Alot of things are zooming thru my mind. Its time to take a look back wat happened, analyse, learn n move to improve my life and walk with God.

The day tt. i got onto the plane. The sadness seems so overpowering n tears would jus appear anything. I really wonder why am i here in brisbane? Y brisbane? y not anywhere. Are there regrets or other stuff. God leaded me here for a reason. I was practically dyin off in sg spiritually. I am in the dire straits.. n almost giving up. Overpowered by all the stuff going thru my mind. I would have started to stop attending church and stuff, even so if i am attending, it would be a routine jus to follow.. simply no feelings, commitment. I jus wanted to give up on so much stuff. Life is really down n down n down.. i dun even see any light.

I have been running away frm so many things. Caught so by the past, refusing to let it go. Even how hard i tried.. i still refuse to let go of it myself. Days n nites of sadness, brokeness, fear, tears, pain, depression... Simply wish i could jus disappear into thin air. The chains seems so hard to break, the darkness was so overwhelming in my life. Was in need of a release n freedom frm the darkness which tied me down.. I was jus running away n avoiding everything to the extent i am so tired of it. Tired of numbing myself till it hurts so much. till it seems i am totally jus pain..

It was the same almost everyday.. n all the way even when i touch down into brisbane. Things slowly started to change.. In a new enivronment, things change n freshened up. God is slowly reviving my life everyday over here in brisbane. Its seems like i am running away frm things again. It was at the beginning. Coming to a point in time i slowly commit it to God. Casting my anxiety n burden unto Him.. He didnt even wait for a moment.. jus as i have been in sch for the 2nd or 3rd day.. i meet President Xi (hahaha) ... i was sitting there alone in sch on the bench.. I am kinda like a fallen away christian.. "lost sheep" venturing out into other places. God, my sherpherd hasnt given up on me all this while. I was like invited to attend a bbq which i missed haha. i got the time mixed up n also feel like running ard instead of joining them too. It might be a good choice haha. I was like kinda hesitant n wanted to explore abit more n find a suitable place. I jus wanted more options.

The strangest part is the more i run away frm CCM.. the more they came appearing before me. Let put it this way.. i went back to sch..to like check out some stuff. yeah.. i thought y not go check out if there is any club hse in sch then maybe can pop in n visit all th christian grps. Well sad to speak.. there isnt any club hse... end up waiting for the market day. It finally came.. i was walking out.. to Kidney lawn. Whoa there was so much pple ard. there the tentage was there infront of me. i walk ard.. havin a look. was like wanting to to walk inside but i hav crowd phobia.. so decided man.. jus go home... somehow instead of walking on the pavement.. i was drawn towards road.. n walking down. Somehow the christian grps was seem to be hidden away frm my sight. As i walk. the first christian grp appeared infront of me. Guess wat, its CCM. I was thinking should i jus walk over there n find out more. Even before i was like able to make up my mind i am already slowly walking towards the booth. hmmm. then again Mr President Xi appeared out of no where.. Ninja???? haha jus kidding. after couple of mins there.. the guy with the cap appeated n starting to talkin to me as well. He none other then Mr Vun Jie Lun kekeke.. think tt his chinese name.

Well the talking went on for a while.. he actually invited me to care grp, church. Was persuaded to join ccm. In my mind i was thinking i want to try other grps.. available but somehow i was getting tired of walking.. so i though i might come another day.. but i was left with little choice.. cos the market day is only one day in Garden's Point. So i thought might as well. I am in... I mus admit.. i was still strayin away frm God still.. tt friday was care grp day. i was like kinda forgotten abt it. i was with my hse mate.. in the city havin a drink. suddenly it pop into my mind.. i look at the timing.. its was like 6pm.. hmm. so i thought should i try to go down still... i called alvin.. n somehow God works in a way we can nvr imagine. i still manage to get there.. To me i was thinking its more like a social visit still i didnt want to join as yet. Well. i mus admit.. God somehow make CCM like a superglue.. i kinda like stuck there haha.. Now i am with Daniel Five, a great n marvelous grp.. energetic, fun loving, FRESH pple. =) Fact is i am stuck n not only tt.. i am stuck to God even closer then before. Starting to attending church.. but i didnt change much i mus admit.

The real change came...on tt faithful nitez. haha. it might sound abit funny... tt nite was kinda gloomy n rainy... cold n wet nite. Was attending the combine prayer mtg. Tt was the nite where my life was totally shaken up.. opened up. Alvin was giving a lesson on the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I first heard abt it.. quite some time back. After i heard abt how Mel life changed after being baptised by the Holy Spirit. I was rather keen on it. I mean if it really make me yearn for God more, n outgoing for Him..i would give it a shot. I was dearly in need of a spiritual revival in my life. My life really changed tt nite. Its like being renewed n restored, my life slowly opened up.. i feel more joy in doing things, everything seems so much brighter then before.. Its like being flooded till overflowing with joy n fire for God. I am still changing still to be a better christian n Christ like. There still room for improvement.. and i will keep on pushing on n improving. one area of improvement is need of compassion for others. yeah.

There are lot of things to thk God for, thkful for pple who nvr give up on me. In sg, they been there for me.. even thought they might not know wat happening to me then.. i really thkful to God for puttin them in my life to support me n reminding me of Him in tt i didnt give up on God totally.

Thks to All Kaleo pple!

Special Thks
Men's grp: Pastor Andrew, Andy, Bun, Robert, Acts, Weijie, Hock, Lawrence, Daniel.
Brothers: Eddy, PC, Justin, John Wong, John Chew
Sisters in Christ: Su_lynn, Sze Sze, Sylvia, Mag, Alicia Boo, Alicia Lim, Lynn, Sharon, Angela, Grace

Compassion

Jus searched deep inside.. is there even a hint of compassion in my heart at all? Sometimes i really wonder where has all the compassion go to. I really don't have an idea of wat i can write abt.. on this blog regarding compassion. I am really really lack of compassion for others. Even at the point where it is most needed.. but where isit in my heart. Is it really tt hard to show compassion to others? Seriously, it seems abit hard.. unconsciously? hmm..

Ducks..

Jus now as i was cycling home.. saw ducklings at the museum's pools at the south bank. They are so cute, six of them actually so small n fragile they are with their mom n dad. swimming happily in the pool.

The family how did they manage to get to the pool area. All ard is roads, the river is also quite a distance frm the museum. Its really amazing.. the ducklings can fly.. unless they cling onto their parents n got air lifted there. Or it could jus simply be tt they walk all the way to the pool. Imagine a line of ducks walking along the pavement n even crossing roads? its kinda amazin to think abt it.

It reflects as well, God cares, loves His creation. He take cares of the birds n everything. God definitley loves us jus as much! yupz!

See something....

Rain clouds, thunders, lightnings.. it really gloomy. Its so cold n dark. Everything changes in a while, sun peek out frm teh clouds sending in bright rays of lights thru the spaces. Warm comes in... Sun still shines after the rain... n rainbow appears. Something tt i saw during the prayer mtg.. yeah.

Not matter how tough n difficult things can get in our life. It jus like the rain clouds, thunder, lightning, cold, dark gloominess. It can last very long.. but in the end the sun still shines. God is always there.. though we might not think so... cos the fact is sometimes we are really clouded by all the stuff going thru in our lives. God is faithful n loves us no matter wat. Rainbow in the bible is a covenant God has with Noah. God promises are also true, He is steadfast God, loving kindness nvr fails. We can always cling on to God's promises.. =)

Something tugging...

Something seems to be tuggin gently at my heart.. but wat it is exactly.. hmmm. Recently images of events frm the past, started appearing in my mind.. the good, bad, ugly.. I no longer feel the way i used to.. being tied down n feel depressed whenever the images come back.. aye. Now wat i feel is peace and gladness, thkfulness for everything tt happened. Really thk God tt i am being changed daily. Jus like the song by Steven Chapman Curtis states.

I was just a little kid when
I heard about You for the first time
And all I really, really knew for sure
Was You were God, I wanted to know You
And now the years have come and gone
I'm still singing that same song
You might think by now I would have reached the end
But the truth is...

I am only just beginning
I am only getting
Started to know You now
I'm only getting started
And when I start thinking I'm getting
Close to the end, You just smile at me and say
Hey, kid, you ain't seen nothing yet
I'm only getting started
I'm only getting started now

Now Your love it is an ocean
Deeper than my deepest notion
Your grace, it is the sky above
It just keeps on going forever
And with every new sunrise
You come and open up my eyes
Show me just a little more of You
And again I see that...

Song lyrics by Steven Chapman Curtis.

It is so wonder n marvelous how God works.. its true. Praise God.
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First time..

Wah.. wat a care grp. First time, playing guitar for care grp. Its like ultimate exp. wasnt prepare to... didnt even think abt it.. obviously i messed it up totally. Thk God.. Charis took over.. things become better.

Felt so nervous playing.. total mess up. But its not going to be the last time.. i gonna try harder n i wont jus fall down.. n sit there n cry. gonna learn n practise more on my own.. so next time. i will be better. Hopefully i can hav another try at it. It all abt praising God n not myself. I will try my best to do it. All things are possible with God ard!!

God marvelous love (testimony) Praise Him!!

Psa 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psa 23:2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
Psa 23:3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Psa 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psa 23:5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Psa 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
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Even when the fact i was send to the hospital for severe allergy reaction. But thru this, God has fullfilled couple of His many promises to us, Amen!! A sheep is one of the stupid animal in the world.

Psa 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
But a sheep hears its Sherpherd. Fact i had the reaction, normally the first reaction is panic n at lost at wat to do. But during the reaction.. believe God prompted me to take the asthmatic spray n took a anti-histamine pill to control it. After which i sit down n pray..

Psa 23:2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
Psa 23:3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
After the prayer for healing.. the reaction slowed down.. i jus lay down on the bed hoping tt the reaction will go off soon. Well.. it didnt. I was feeling peaceful still n decided to get help frm my frens. All the while as the reaction was gettin worst.. there was still peace within my soul. Becos God is with me.

Psa 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psa 23:5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Psa 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

By the time the ambulance came, my blood pressure was like sky high.. its critical.. as anything could have happened. Severe allergy reaction could lead to death as well =). Its like walking thru "valley of shadow of death". Plus the paramedic wasnt experience but everything jus went well n smooth still even with the long delay to the hospital. God used the pple ard me to comfort me, n He was holding me close to Him.. protecting me frm anything evil and bad. I was saved frm possible death. This is my second time, i had such severe allergy. This is my life verse. which has been impressed upon me by a really great sister of mine. Indeed, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and i shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever"

Thk you.. n greatest gratitude to my wonderful Lord and Saviour, Almighty, Great I am. Praise God!

Strikes again....

The most unexpected thing happened.... in a nite visit the hospital twice.. Firstly becos of the swell at the back of my head.. its so painful. n causing me headaches, n backaches.. its was late. I went to the hospital to see a doc to find out wat had happened. Mater Hospital.. a long walk there. Was joking with my fren so late liaoz.. have to walk to the hospital haha.. there isnt any 24hr clinic.. over here. Went to the A&E department tt was the only place we can go. Entire process took abt 2 hrs plus by the time reach home is abt. 12 plus midnight.

So decided to take the medication after a long chat with another hse mate of mine. Happily i jus down the pills n took some bread. After a min.. i feel something was not rite. face was kinda swelling up n itching.. i thought its jus a rash cause by the cold.. didnt bother at all. Less than a min.. whole face was swollen, itching n lips.. also start to swell. this time i realise it was a allergic reaction.. so i took some anti-histamines to curb it.. thinking its will be over soon. i was so so wrong.. it got worst. to the point i was wheezing n cant breathe. in the end had to use the asthmatic spray to clear my air passage. jus feeling terrible. i decided to wait for a while more to see if condition subsides.. but it didnt.. whole body was starting to shake.. n swelling. tt its, i am definitely havin a severe allergic reaction again. Suddnely reminded of wat happened in sg, as quick as i could staggered to my fren's room n knock on his door.

He came out got a shock.. staring at my swollen face. i couldnt speak at all as the throat was swollen.. still manage to mouth some words for him to catch.. but still he cant get it.. so he went to get other hse mate to check on me.. The guy upon seeing me.. ask my fren go call the ambulance.. couple of other hse mate came out.. n keeping an eye on me.. all of them in shock.. finally the ambulance came.. n they couldnt start moving off as the blood pressure was rising too high.. due to the reaction.. the best thing was.. the lady paramedic was new.. she wasnt sure of wat to do.. n thk God she was calm thru out.. seeking help frm the hospital n her colleage who was more exp. really thk God tt. He provided me with calmness n peace.. for He is with me thru the ordeal. i jus prayed.. within my heart. thk God everything went fine. n now i am out.. thought the face is still bloated.. but i am thkful tt God saved my life again. Thk God for my hse mates after my discharge i actually walk home.. all by myself.. though the entire journey i was like still drowsy becos of the drug. They keep checking on me.. n cook lunch n dinner for me as well. until i am able to see n speak clearly practically sleep thru the day n today i am much better.. thk God for His protection n grace.

Jus a thought

Sometimes if things can be more specific.. it jus might work well. At least less pondering n dwellin on the issue. Seems kinda pointing in tt direction but it seems not at the same time. Well. maybe sometimes.. its jus the step of opening the mouth n ask?? haha... =P Still feeling great even when i am tired. Joy seems to be overflowing haha.. kinda excited abt attending daniel 4.. hmm how would it be like.. haha. Really like the mighty daniel family.. da best!!

COming back to the point again. Its really funny how things can be so coincidental or it is suppose to be tt way. haha. It like flipping the name ard, moving up to the next letter. guess wat.. its her name haha. I was like wondering.. how come the name reminds me of someone. After much scrutinising.. i was WOW!! could it be possible.. fact tt it is possible since i have already seen it. Well shouldnt dwell on it too much.. Got more impt things to focus on. WOnderin how everyone in sg is doing.

Wish someone could give me a hug.. haha. cheeky cheeky cheeky.. a hug tt jus symbolise frenship.. encouragment even if its frm a guy.. its great! I still can hug God!! Awesome!!

So tired.. ahhh. My eyes are bearly able to keep itself open.. everything seems so bright tt my eyes cant even focus properly. Need to big break.. miss home food.. where is my chicken rice, roast pork rice, all the food ahhhh.. where has it disappear.. wahhh.. haha.. not frustrated actually jus wanna hav abit of fun. Jus wish could jus sit down by the beach again.. n let the cold wind blew onto my face.. its so refreshin.. lookin up into the dark sky...all the stars jus baskin away. its so relaxing.. lookin forward to the time to do tt. But still now even tired.. i dun feel really tt frustrated.. becos God is with me.. amen!! He is sustaining me.. if by my own strength i probably be foaming on the grd.. heez. I may still be down with flu.. but i am leaning against the best best best best fren.. GOD!! Thank you GOD!!!

Name

Hmm.. its abt my name.. haha.. not tt i am a self freak.. jus wanna remind myself of certain things. yup yupz.. =P n this is why i chose the name.. its wasnt until after a while i chose the name then i really realise it.

Jabez: Sorrow, pain....

1) Remember Jesus died on the cross for our sins. The pain of being beaten, flogged, pierce by the nails.. all this becos of our sins.

2) Remember the pain parents go true to bring me up. The love they showered n the support they given to me. They are really marvelous n wonderful gifts tt God has put in my life. They are precious to me.

3) To be a blessing to others.. Avoid inflicting pain n hurt to others. Be sensitive to pple feelings. Avoid disobedient to God n make God heart hurt, sad again.

Psalm 71:14-24 (English Standard Version)

¹⁴But I will hope continually
and will praise you yet more and more.
¹⁵My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
of your deeds of salvation all the day,
for their number is past my knowledge.
¹⁶With the mighty deeds of the Lord GOD I will come;
I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.

¹⁷O God, from my youth you have taught me,
and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
¹⁸So even to old age and gray hairs,
O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
your power to all those to come.
¹⁹Your righteousness, O God,
reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
O God, who is like you?
²⁰You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
you will bring me up again.
²¹You will increase my greatness
and comfort me again.

²²I will also praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.
²³My lips will shout for joy,
when I sing praises to you;
my soul also, which you have redeemed.
²⁴And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
who sought to do me hurt.
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I jus find this verse while reading the daily bread.. jus cant resist putting this on the blog!! Its AWESOME!!

wats next.. comin up.. more surprise in life.. woohoo.. THis kinda exciting, life seems to be changing so fast.. n pace is gettin faster. Slowly i feel the change in me.. its great. Cant wait to embark on this journey with God... still tryin hard to be the man after God's own heart like King David. I jus wanna be changed by God n not turned back again to wat i am.. This is probably the happiest period of my life. i am kinda like bursting with joy n hope. Still remember the tears.. n pain but life is always filled with hope n love becos God is always holding me close to Him.. Been attempting to do things i nvr done before.. like the o' wk.. approaching pple.. i mus admit i didnt have the courage..but i did tried at least.. Practise make perfect.... Best of the things.. the Kingdom of God is advancing!

The feeling of being free.. is so exhilarating.. the things tt bind me down in the past.. are almost broken... Praise God.. i finally slowly lettin go of things. Tts really great. There still room for improvement.. i mus continue working on it.

LOve ActuAlly

HMm.. this is an old show.. haha. jus finished watching it. QUite sentimental kind n tear inducing.. heez. Its bring a emotional touch, the warm feeling of being loved n the happiness tt comes with it. Its jus all ard.. love btw. pple, frens, family, etc n the greatest love displayed the love of Jesus.. AMen!!!

Sometimes, its kinda of a stupid feeling, looking ard searching for the love? Where is it? HOw do i go abt finding it.. even when i am writing this i am laughing n smiling away. Life has nvr been so light hearted.. for a long long time. Something has indeed changed.. refreshing.. a totally new being. Definitely not becos of the show =) It is becos of God.. Haha.. still where my life partner haha? i jus cant stop laughin at myself haha..

Arent it sweet n assuring to know tt God is the pillar and strength which we can fall on without having to worry. Indeed it is. Worship not only about sing praise to God but everyday of life, lifestyle etc is a method of worship to God.

Something something something

Its great to be able to see someone frm kaleo again. Sylvia.. Yeshhh.. i finally got my plums.. plums.. plums.. plums.. mmmm.. plums... yippeezzz yipeezz. I wish i could jus see some pple.. jus wish they could jus appeared in front of me.. wouldnt tt be great.. Jus wondering how the rest of the pple are getting on. Time sure have fly past so fast.. 1/2 a yr has past yeah.. across the oceans.. I begining to like this place. its a great place.. though.

Finally get my hands down on my camera.. haha. been running ard.. taking photos... but most of them got deleted cnmi. its great.. photography.. one of my hobbies.. over here is so much natural.. so much to see. n take.Yesterday was a really really cold day.. i finally had my trip on the city cat at nitez.. its even colder. Arent it stupid.. a guy jus standing out in the city cat.. watching the scenery when its so cold outside... until i really cant stand it... its kinda nice trip.. but no scenery on some parts.. Thoughts jus soar thru my mind.. couldnt capture it at all.. but its all happy thoughts.. for the first time.. was smiling away. The words tt i say to sylvia is rings in my mind. Is there something tt will change everything? (this not the words hahaha)...

MCT

finally got my chance to reach Mt Cool. it is cold up there.. riding to there n going up the slope is a massive killer. Feel so tired.. n sweaty.. Got a view of the entire brisbane city.. not bad a view.. haha but didnt bring camera well batteries not inside n no new batteries. its been so long since i cycled so far.. nice.

On the way back tt the best part of all. My bicycle back tyre punctured.. ahhhh. have to push frm Mt Cool area all the way back to west end.. wah.. it really dampened the mood. Well.. thk God i had music to listen to all the way back to home.. Now i am feeling tired.. really tired.. still hav to get my bike fixed asap. yeah.

Sleepless in Brisbane

Ever wonder how tough it is to jus lay on the bed, tryin to sleep when u are tired but still cannot sleep.. toss n turn in the bed to early morning. I cant really sleep.. not only becos of my bio clock change.. also other stuff on my mind.. its been a long time since i had insomia.. other then the long periods with i had during my time in sg. the worst was the last few months.. before i flew off. "Revenge of the Sleepless".. i hate U!!!!!! haha