The long long wait....

Before i start on the main thing... i must say this: I HATE DIARRHEA!!! I REALLY HATE DIARRHEA.. it is jus so irritating. Even now a kettle weights a ton and my whole body feels like I have just finished a marathon.. urgghhh. Shoo diarrhea go away!!!

OKayz.. now back to topic. Its really a long long wait.. looking for jobs and waiting for replies.. everything seems to be so quiet. This transition to montreal isnt easy as i have expected. The amounth faith and trust in God required seeks like sky high and endless. But the bible says a you can move mountains with the faith of a mustard seed. As in not literally, yeah but continue to put my trust and faith in God for His provision. So far, God has been really good and i pass my two theory tests for driving license and now left with the practical test to go.. yeah yeah!!

God also has bless me in my lessons.. and i was able to learn things fast and the instructors have high expectations as well. Glory to God. But still i have to learn to cooperate with God more. Well, my last driving in the night time was a disaster even the instructor got a shock. One thing is i am not ready to drive in the night time yet. But i believe i can do it because God is with me. God has really blessed me with great strict yet friendly instructors.. praise God.. my phobia of evil instructors are dissolved.. heez.

Lesson learnt

Finally, back in the blogging realm again.. its a good rest indeed. haha. Normal events can sometimes be a smack n reminder in the face of things in life and who God is.

Yesterday, was learning driving, the best part moving off from the slope. Geez.. its pretty frightening when the instructor says, let go the brakes, i was like "Noooooo" in my heart.. so i keep stepping on the brakes and he say, "let go the brakes, let go.." Stubbornly, in my heart "Noooooo".. sound alright and correct not to let go off the brakes because its a slope. But the point is if i dont let go of the brakes, how can i even learn how to move off the slope when i am near the top of the slope.

Point 1) There is a instructor in the car
Point 2) The car has two brakes, one on my side and one on the instructor side
Point 3) The stubborn native of myself refusing to let go of the brakes
Point 4) Being overwhelm by the situation and end up focusing on myself

What does all these points add up to?? Simply to say, I felt like I was whack across my head to be awaken by God. "Hey! Wake up dude... where's yer focus?"

Lesson learnt was: Stubborn native of mine often cause me to focus on my situation and myself incapabilities and to the extend that I forget a major point. God is still in the picture, I am like looking through a peep-hole when there is a big view for me to look thru'.

In situation of the driving, it took me a while to realise that "Hey, if i let go of the brakes, my instructor will step on the brakes at the moment where he wants the car to stop and start to let me practice my moving off." Basically, both of us are in a safe situation.

In terms of application in my life with God is alot of times I am still holding on to the brakes when God has already said, "Let go". By being stubborn, i cant learn anything and i end up focusing on the problem. I miss the big picture and God who is in control. There is nothing wrong noticing the risk being there but more importantly I should have focus on God who is greater than the risk. If God has called and shown the way, the risk is nothing because He is in control.

Just worrying doesnt help a single bit in life but worry and pray and trust in God and taking appropiate actions will do alot.

The Battle Part 2

Here's the second part.. heezz.

Battle are literay fought daily n every now and then. So far the battles fought alot are spiritual, emotional, physical (to a certain extend). Psalm 23 come into my mind as part one was being written. Personally, i felt that alot of battle fought are base on my own strength, own abilities and own mental. That is the start of a defeat. Why would i say that? Fighting on the front with my abilities is like pride in a way depending on myself.

At the first, i might be winning away, defeating everything in sight. Victorious I might be but taking into consideration is that how long will i last. I will come to the point of the state where the "soldier totally shattered of hope, even the commander has ran away". Like in many times, OT (King era). Following the ways of man and depending on self, results in falling into many temptations and deviating from God. Even though, its obvious, but history repeats itself like a vicious cycle.

Its like trapped in a whirlpool that keeps dragging you into the centre which will result in disappearing into oblivion. A lot of strength and help is require to get out of it. Even in battles of life, its like a whirlpool effect. At the start, fighting it seems easy on our own but later it turn out that the person is dragged deeper and closer the centre. Not long, it's time to say good bye. God has always open the door for us and not only that He has been reminding and prompting us to depend on Him, trust in Him.

Psalm 23 is one of the verse that can be cling on and as a reminder of who God is. He is not only our shepherd but also the Lord and Commander of a the heavenly army. Even mentioned in NT, the world we fight are not of this world but of the spiritual. So how can we win with worldly equipment and weapons. What we need is God and seek His help.

The battle Part 1

A battle thats needs to be fought. Yet so the soldier worn out by weariness and fatigue. Wondering what would the outcome of the battle. Day after day, night after night, gripping on to his sword and shield. Sweat dripped and flowed down his fore head and brow mixing with the tears. Pain and fear gripped him, wondering when the enemy will strike. Looking around, his comrades, some grimming away, some crying away and some shivering away.

The battle seems to be lost. Everyone seems to have crippled with circumstances and fear. Afterall, its been a long and weary battle. Silently, the soldier knelt down and started crying. From afar, sounds of horses and shouts. Looking ahead, the enemies were approaching at great speed. The soldier looked hopelessly around, none of his comrades were able to muster up any courage or energy to fight on. Is this the end? Just at the moment, he heard a gentle voice saying, "Why are you crying?" The soldier just couldn't speak a single word but continued to cry.

The gentle voice continued, "Do not cry. Stand up and fight". "Do not fear for the Lord of the Host is with you, the enemies will be defeated and the battle will be won". Slowly, every soldier look up. And before them, stands the Commander of the army, the Lord in His gleaming armour as bright as the sun and He is surrounded with air of majesty and authority. Despite of this, the soldiers felt peace, love, joy emitting from Him. He said, "Come to me and fight together with me!" "Let me have your burdens and I will lighten them." As the soldiers were astonished, they have never seem Him before. Their previous commander had deserted them and leaving them to fight alone. Together they decided to fight together with the Lord. The only hope for them was in Him and Him alone. As they stood up, all they had was tattered and broken armour, weapons. They couldn't help but wonder how could they fight in this.

Just this point, the army of the Lord arrive in their gleaming armour. Along with them, they have new armour. The Lord said,"Take off the old clothes and armour and wear this!" "For today the battle belongs to the Lord!" The soldiers quickly changed into the armour and prepare for the oncoming enemies. The Lord said, "Come and eat some food for you all have been fighting and are weary." "Do not fear, for I am with you!" The soldiers went to the table and started eating. The army of the Lord went ahead with the battle and defeated the enemies.

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Still havent blog on the mission trip yet.. but still want to put it on hold. Today, i finally made the decision.. to give up.. really to give up. Feeling for her... desires, everything.. giving it up. It took me a long time.. everytime i tried to give up somehow it stucks on. Finally today the decision was made.. i will continue to pray for her and the other guy. I mus admit the feeling of doing it really pure discomfort.. but it will serve well.

Jus remember what God said to me thru' Ben.. "COMPLETE.. God wants you to be complete in Him.. and completely belong to Him." Basically, to be complete in God and be completely His, is to give up everything to Him and let His will and Spirit fill me to the brim. And everything tt is done is to for God and to bring glory to Him.. i will strive to achieve that.

"To be the man after God's own heart"

"To serve God and let His will and plan be my"

"My life only for the Lord"

Hmm.. after much thought.. today decided to make the decision. Well.. it's to give up on the girl tt i like. Even from the start been trying too hard to control feelings but rather now i am converting the feelings to that of a brotherly feelings to his young sister. The sourness will be there.. but in the end it seems to be the best remedy.

Will continue to pray for them, maybe not long after they will be together. They do match each other in terms of talents and character. Standing together makes them seems like a couple. Couple of times.. saw a pic of a piece of wood and a wedge seems to be driving into it splitting it into two. The wedge is like me.. quite a lot of times.. seems to be caught in situations tt make me feel like a wedge.. and i rather not be there.

At the end, jus wanted the best for her and well this option seems to be the best so i should take it. Probably this will never get out to anyone.. cos it will cause heaps of percussion effect.. which i felt might happen. So hav to endure it..

Its a foregone conclusion... yeah pretty much. Today is the best day, i ever felt after the days n weeks of tiredness and tears. Probably coming to the point where i dun really feel tt sad. It still hangs around but not as bad though. Prayer does help still the main test is coming

Still thk God i have graduate from QUT finally!! Now is really the time to get on to the next chapter. The focus isnt on her and but rather the plans of getting into Canada and preparing for the call. Trust and depend on God... but still tired and drained. Keep dozing off ahh.. Will still keep praying for the both of them...

Been asking, why its so difficult in liking and loving a person. Cant it be any easier than abc? Pretty much, the answer came back i think. If things are gotten so easily, we probably wont treasure it nor really cherish it much. But something tt been waited for and longed for, it builds up the love for it, to really cherish it, to love it, to take care of it. Tt y marriage is a sacred thing, as bible has mentioned. Its not jus to have the person but also to desire tt the person has the best in their life as well i suppose.

Couple of hours at the beach isnt really enough time to let down everything. Couldnt have wish for more time, probably alone at the beach. It just hard to find a beach in brisbane itself, unless i have a car n driving license... sighzzz.

Yesterday took another walk along southbank... didnt want to stay at home, jus want to be alone, ponder and a lot of things flash past again and again. Jus wondering wat is really happening, the reason behind all that. All i know is i have to wait and trust, be patient until God shows more. It abit hard though, thinking too much unwanted stuff in the mind, but thing refuse to go away. Everyday, end up with a tired mind.. so tired.. n drained emotionally, spiritually as well. The acid test is coming soon, somehow foresee it to be a teary period of time. It gonna be tough. But bring it on.. so i can depend on God rather than my own strength.

The nite at the gold coast beach, its been a while since i went to the beach. The cool breeze, beautiful moon light, splashing of the waves upon the shore. It will really be great to be able to spend time with the special person. End up, we 4 guys just have a great time at the beach.

Things are kept pretty much in control but still lotsa of stuff running to my brain. Dunno whether i should be thinking of tt, tried really hard, prayed n stuff. It sticky as usual. Its hard to bottle everything in... but tt the only way at the moment, cont praying n trusting God.

Time passes fast
Waiting, enduring, holding on
Has everything already gone and pass
Or all but the one has yet to arrive

Looking back with no regrets
Looking ahead with contempt
Wondering how it will be
Or it will never be

Still holding on
Still waiting upon
Still trusting
On God our rock no matter what happens

so much stuff on my mind but cant even write a single thing on it. Still hanging in there, still holding back, enduring and tryin to be natural as well. But deep within, the emotions twist and twist to such extent tt its really unbearable. Jus like the wire i was untwisting out in the cold, took so long and in the end, both hands and shoulders are hurting but the wire is still untwisted. Hav i done something wrong again, everything jus seems so out of tune or maybe i am losing it. Lord, what should i do?? Whats the next step??

Such confusion i am in after praying the prayer. Thought it might be a good thing, it is in a way... but i am feeling like i am in a kind of a fixed. It really a weird feeling, the next three days gonna be tough... i think... Probably more to come, this is the result of facing the issue head on...

An answer is needed, thing needs to be clarified, wisdom is needed to keep on the right track. A tongue tt needs to be tame and watch over, wrong words at the wrong time simply means big big problem.. so sticky tt its gonna be hell of a time getting out. After being free, things will be changed and never be the same again, it can be a good or bad change. Treading carefully and cautiously now

Just now came across a song while flipping through the praise and worship song book. It's title "Something Beautiful" Even as i begin playin n singing the song, just could felt God presence and His comfort surrounding me. Started crying, been cryin quite a fair bit. In the midst of tears, said a prayer. I dunno if its consider a foolish prayer on my part or a good thing. But God hears it and if its according to His will, i believe it will be answered. It was difficult to mouth the prayer but manage to finish it. The song simply says.. even though in the midst of confusion and even though all we can offer to God is our brokeness and strifle, God always make something beautiful of the tough situations in our life.

Sometimes, i might wonder what beautiful thing results from such bad situations. It's simply the love of God and experiencing Him in a really close way tt bring hope and joy into our life again. It shows that God is piggy-baggin me on His back and comforting me through out this period of time. He wipes the tears away and tell us that He loves us, gaze upon Him, depend on Him. Isn't it beautiful at all. To me its more than just beautiful and its simply beyond words and description.

Something beautiful

Something good

All my confusion, He understood

All I have to offer Him was brokeness and strifle

But He made something beautiful of my life

Short, simple, yet so powerful and moving. Such is the love of God, it's just that simple, He loves us even more than we can ever imagine.

Came across a quote by Max Lucado tt really struck me. It kinda of saying this:

"Face your giants yourself, you will be struck down and crying for help"
"Face God instead, the giants will tumble and fall"

It really struck me, as i am facing one of the bg giants in life. I need to even seek God more each day to make sure the giants tumble and fall. At times, it might seem difficult and impossible but God is the One who make all things possible. In God, i will overcome...

When cracks are appearing, how long does it take for it to be shattered? Not long i suppose, doing all i can and all i know it still increasing and overflowing and cracks result. Is this to be seized and throw off the feet and laying still and crippled on the ground. Not knowing whether to move and stand up. Not knowing when the next blow will come again. Things just happen in really unexpected and weird ways, sometimes leaving the person totally lost not knowing to laugh or to cry. I cannot help but wonder, am i doing the right way or not... i might just be too dumb and too hard to be able to listen to answer from God.

Surely I have cried enough or is it just the starting of the tearing season. If only these tears can be used to help the drought wouldnt it be great. Talking a tears... just today maybe around 3 times liaos. Can't really help it but have to let it go. Too much stuff bottle up, pretty much also lack of sleep for 3 days.

The tears we shed
The cries in the secret
The pain that hurts

God sees our tears
God hears our cries
God feel our pain

God never said there isn't rainy days
God never said there isn't sunny days
God promise that He will always be with us

Even when the world ends
His love for us never changes
He always say,"I am here, My child"

Finally get to start on my free online christian course. Even at the start, it really blew my mind abit. I was kinda brought to areas where i didnt really think much or consider as it simply seems straight forward but as a matter of fact, it means alot and will really aid in beefing up my personal foundation in believing Christ. There alot of stuff ahead, believe that these course will aid me in the journey ahead.

Also to thank God for open the hearts of my parents, they simply agreed to let me plan my stuff and trust in me. I told them about my plans to head off to Canada asap and they agreed with it. Even thought, i felt certain sadness in their tone but in a way there was these joy in their hearts as well that their son has grown up and mature. I really love my parents and honouring, obeying God comes first in priority, i believe that my parents will come to know and accept Christ in new future. God will look over my family.

It actually quite frustrating having everything stuck inside. If only i can let it all out one short. That would be so great, saying everything without having to worry about anything.

Just looking into her eyes
Saying the words stuck inside
Making it known to her

Just sitting down at the beach
Watching the sunset together
Marveling at the beauty of God's creation

Just being there for her
Listening to what's she saying
Providing the shoulder for both joy and tears

Just walking hand in hand
Enjoying each other presence
Thanking God for everything and for her specially

If and if only... just thoughts as it is.. whether it happens or not, i have no idea. It's all in God's hands. Wish she's the one and that she knows... =)

Exams are finally over.... yeah now is waiting for results. This is the time of waiting and trusting God to move and provide the way. Within like 2-3 mths i will be leaving this place i think or maybe earlier or later. Lord you have to move in to guide and lead me. I can do t without you at all. Lord i really hope tt i will be able to work even for a short period of time here before i go back and tt i will be able to get a job in canada as well. i really cant stay in sg for too long as it will prove to be difficult to leave as well.

I am still fighting the internal battle. The turmoil and the pressure is strong but stil i have to compress it and not let it leak out as it will be very problematic. Anything will be fine after i leave i suppose.. Lord i trust in You.