The peace and love of God
One that surpasses all things
One that transcends all understanding
And peace like a river flow,
that calms and restores the heart and soul
And love like rays piercing through the clouds,
bring hope and light into lifes

As sadness breaks forth like waves upon the shore
Tears of pain and sadness flows like streams of river
So lost and confuse one could be
At the departure of a close one
Having left with just memories, a mark in our life

I seems to gotten myself into a mess which hard to handle.. or it isnt so complicated at all. Lord, i really need you in this... only You can help us now. Lord may everything go smoothly and settle down and in peace, O Lord

Sometimes i jus wish i could jus simply say this, " I MISS YOU!!!" Jus three simple words.. or even jus type it out .. it seems like the fingers all go numb n cant do it at all. Wats wrong wats wrong.. i think i am getting crappier then usual aye.. its the time of the day.. sleep sleep sleep.. exams are on FRIDAY... i AM really GOIng BONKers!!! haiz.... haha.. jus a short vent of tiredness and frustrations.. still hanging in there with God sustaining. heez.. sleep.. zzzzz.. (snorezzz)

tough times...

Really tough times... sometimes its always good to remind myself. if i dont want rainy days in my life.. dun PRAY for THEM.. =P

Well.. i really drained out and tired.. finally i have decided to turn back to the One.. thru this period i truely see how helpless i am as a human. Without Him in my life.. its totally chaos....

How long are u going to run away
My Child, how long are u going to run away
Many times I have called out to you
Many times, u have broken My heart
Many times, u have grieve me
Of this many times I have always forgiven you
So how long are you going to run away

See how weary you are
See how tired you are
Come into my embrace, I will hold you close
I will give you rest
I will strengthen you and carry you
My child, its time for u to come home
It really time...

Reflections

this few days seems like being scolded and chastised by God. Communion, i was kinda like asked this question wat does it mean exactly. Every christian should know the answer to it. There comes the 2nd questions, wat is communion to you? At this moment i was kinda stunned. I never really thought about it much. The worst thing is sometimes i treat communion as a routine or sometimes food and drink. I was like feeling so guilty. It never came across my mind, wat is communion to me personally. I really ashamed of my approach towards it.

It dawn on me tt communion is abt remembering wat Jesus Christ did on the cross for us. His body was beatened, pierced and blood shed for our sins. I knew this since i become a christian, but the thing is i never appreciated the true meaning of it. It was for me, for my sins that Christ was hunged on the cross. WAKE UP! WAKE UP!! It doesnt jus happen once a wk or month, during church communion but it is a daily affair. To remember wat Christ has done for us, in return to glorify Him with our bodies, everything. Treasuring the free gift of God and living a life obedient to God.

Today during worship, i couldnt help but jus cried and cried. At the moment i knew something was not right. I got another chastising from God again. "What has happened to you, why have u chose to forsaken Me and walk away and depend on your own strength? Guilt and pain feel my heart....

Blessing from God still continues.. Praise God

Its really tough maintaining a life focus on God.. have tried and still failed.. but still tryin yeah. God has continue to shower me with blessing and protection all this while. Jus recently have been blessed with a job interview been praying abt it as well. Praise God i have gone on to the final round of job interview. The fact tt it is my first attempt.. really praise God for it.

Again been studying late, thus didnt really sleep then i still manage to pass my online test praise God for tt. God has really been faithful to me. So mus continue to be faithful Him also.. amen! Jus today, finally experience something which i thought will happen in movie only. Was cycling.. kinda fast as well. Suddenly, the car infront of me opened the door. It happened so fast tt i cant even swerve off in time, bang. i knock into the door, somehow a miracle happened at least to me. i didnt do the 360 flip neither did i fall onto the road. The bike swerve upon impact. I kinda like glide across the handle bars and end up standing on the road.. with my bike behind me. I was also kinda shock.. really thk God i didnt land onto the road.. think there was a oncoming car.

All i suffered was a bruised and sprained pinkie (probably cant play guitar for a period of time) and kinda whack my lower part of my leg against the bike and twisted it. (not virtually twisting it). well at least i can still walk but with a limp.. and cant really twist my ankle. Well. i really thk God i didnt do a 360 flip or crash directly in to the door in which both will end up with serious consequences. Thank my Dear Father in heaven praise you. Amen.

Weeding has proceeded

Sometimes.. human really have to learn the hard way. No matter whether we know theres a better way. still we stubbornly chose the hard way. Yes.. a prayer to God.. to clean up my life. Really set my heart upon doing it. Its indeed amazing and wonderful how God works.

Started a off with a thirty day fast (one or two meals per day), doing my Q.T, continuing praying as and when prompted. Really trusting my life in God's hands and seeking Him first. I am really blessed by God indeed.

FIrst thing is i am looking for a job. Send out couple of resume. Need to find a job to clear atachment requirements. Yeah. Kinda like given up hope of getting a reply. But nonetheless, still prayed. THe next thing i realise is i got a call frm the company asking me to go for a interview.. whoa i was like it really happening. Went for the interview, it didnt really go well as it seems. I really pray and pray before the interview, leavin it to God. God really soften the heart of the interviewer, though it didnt went well. but somehow the interviewer mentioned tt he didnt have any reason not to give me a chance for the final round of interview. I was kinda sceptical abt it. Well, somehow i felt peaceful and happy even after a kinda bad interview. On the way to sch tts where i saw a picture which i mention in my one of the blogs. It really reassured me. Wait for news on friday. The next thing in mind was project. It wouldnt work and it was giving us so much problems.. ahhh.

Spend so much time for it. Till we kinda give up, presentation was on the next day. I have also been praying really hard for the project. I make up my mind to leave out time to go for care grp instead of staying behind to do project. But still kinda burdened. yeah on the day of presentation.. everyone was like sweating.. man.. this gonna be tough..how to smoke the supervisor. It isnt really working at all.. ahh suppose to be able to communicate two way. but one die.. so its only one way. Decided to commit it to God and worst still the slides was done the day before. n we didnt rehearsed or anything. Alot of things was so last min. Finally we went thru the oral presentation. it was still quite okay.. abit of fumbling abt. The demonstration came. Oh my.. all of us were like please please please. Everything went well.. until our supervisor want us to send a big file... we were like oh no.. tt it the end. gone. Thank God, the supervisor ask to send a ascii text file instead which we tried and it work.. whoa!! The next thing is really the smoke bomb part. Another student frm another project team shoot a question checking with us if it is two way communication.. Then we started throwing smoke bombs.. tryin to smoke n screen all of them with answers and at the same time change the topic to another one.

Well, it worked haha. I like to imagine this way. My team members n i throw smoke bombs, and Jesus is there fanning the smoke and it spread real quickly.. heez. Thk God. The supervisor didnt check the other board and he was really please with what we done. Given only half the time to do a project and "achieve" wat he wanted. Yippee praise God.

Next and last thing... whoa this is the best. On friday, i was like waiting for the call. I was also fighting a spiritual battle... as well. I was abt to give up the battle, then i remember tt God is the general of the battle, i am not fighting the battle alone but God is fighting for and with me. I pray n pray and it was over. Then i was kinda like sad cos the phone didnt ring. i was jus abt to give up on the thought the phone will, so i said a prayer to God. If its Yer will tt i can get thru' to the final round of interview, let it be. If i didnt, i will still thk You for it was a really good experience for me. I startd preparing to go to sch.. the next thing, my phone ring.. i was like in a shock.. could it be could it be. so i answered the phone. It was the company agent tt called, she mentioned i have made it to the final round of interview.. whoaa!!! Praise God. After ending the call. i couldnt help but cried.. its was tears of joy and gratitude towards my loving Father. Indeed i am so blessed by Him. I really thk God for a lesson i attended lead by Charis. It kinda woke me up.. n make me determine to change. I remember a verse she mentioned.

Mat 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

THis is one of the many promise tt God has given us. Thank You Lord!!

The tree, the leaf and the wind...

Got to read to story again as i was doing hse keeping on my mail box. It reminded me of some stuff, relationships and interpersonal stuff.

"Leaf departure is because of Wind's pursuit or is it because Tree didnt ask her to stay."

Yupz.. it really makes me think.. abt relationship.. i would say. About having feelings for somebody but didnt let the person know abt it. Also taking pple ard for granted. In the process of it, hurting them. The story dun exactly speaks of wat really happened but to a certain extent it really makes me reflect upon my approach towards frens ard me.

The thing is patience... like Mellayana has said, patience in waiting for the Lord's timing. Big sis also mentioned to me, maybe its time i should pray abt it and wait for the Lord's answer. I never really think praying abt it so far. Still i have feelings for her. Well, jus kinda lost at wat to do, still treating her as my sister which is the best thing so far. yeah in case i get myself into more trouble then ever. I wish i had the chance to meet up with her before i flied off but it didnt happened becos of a major incident. Well, I need to be patient. Maybe its really time for me to start praying abt the issue?? hmmm..

Prayer meeting on tues...

Its was a bad day for me i suppose.. havin to eat stained food and end up sick. Well.. becos i wasnt feeling too well, i manage to get permission to leave earlier then usual. Thought of going home but didnt instead i went for the prayer meeting instead.

Yeah.. went there with a heavy heart.. personally know wats wrong.. my spiritual life is currently parched.. somehow the river is clogged with dirt and stuff. Its so hardened. During the response to the prayer.. i suddenly felt a noose went ard my neck, it really suffocated me so badly.. i was struggling to break free of the noose. I was like being strangled.. i really wanted to scream.. and run out of the hall. i try to open my eyes but jus couldnt, the noose was getting tighter every second. i really feel like dying. Started praying to God for release.. but the feeling got worst.. i felt like fainting and falling to the grd. Couldnt breath.. couldnt move ard.. terrible feeling. i jus felt my head being detached off my body. i couldnt feel anything at all.

I jus simply feel so terrible... but simply continue praying and singing the worship song... it was a tiring spiritual battle.. at the moment i really wanted to give up and run away.. but something keep me praying on, trusting in the Lord. For He is the General in the battle field. It wasn't me fighting this war but the Lord of the hosts. Continued praying.. n praying. at last i could feel my body and the noose ard my neck was broken off. It was at the time i felt peacefulness in my heart, joy. It made me realise i am still weak and in need of the Lord in my life. Its time to weed out the garden and prune it, make it flourish again.

Socrhing.. woo... ahh...

Yeah.. sat was the Renewalk.. finally its over.. a ten 10km walk... under the sun. I really wonder isit really spring?! It was a scorching 36-37 degrees.. i think. thk God it didnt hit the max.. haha.. good thing i was cycling.. instead of walking.. CYling.. shouldnt i be walking muahah.. being front scout.. for walkers.. haha. i thought it will be easier n fun.. to do tt. yeah.. realise its more tiring then walking.. Misleaded three times... twice by marshalls n once becos there is not direction signs.. ahh.. had to cycle back n fro to check roads for signs. Well.. cant really blames the scouts for misleading pple.. only got to know abt the post on tt day itself.. n with no map given.. haiz.. a lot of walkers are really angry with us.. haiz. had a hard time explaining.. watever. It over.. i now like super chao ta.. sunburnt.. wahh.. guess this should be my darkest tan ever.. haiz.. it will not last for long.. cause its startin to peel sadz.. well.. now is spring n summer so still lotsa of chance to tan stil haha.. still feeling tired..

Good thing is there was cast party in the nite time.. for the anniversary dancers.. wow.. its was great.. haha. ate quite alot of food. n maybe half a tub of ice-cream..(not the big tub) its like i am havin revenge on the ice-cream..well. it jus makes me feel good after a scorchin day n nite time.. havin ice-cream to cool down yippeee!! Looking forward to the christmas dance.. tranining starting soon.. yeah yeah!!

Anger and frustrations

Sometimes it really really irritating, sickening. Jus felt like smashin up the computers in qut.. thks to them i have to redo my program again n again. till i am so sick of it. Cant it be more stable aye.... friday my blood really boiled. and i was really disturb the computer for a long time.. now thinkin of it still make me feel down. so much time wasted.. To laugh or to cry

well...

THis week is suppose to a break but end up.. hav to go to sch everyday to do assignment.. ahhh. project n assignment n preparation for EXAMS!!! Wow.. seems so packed n hectic. it is ahhhhh.. Well the most comforting thing is i still can turn to God for help. He is the only one tt can help me through n turn the situation ard.. hey time for a change.. aye.. yeah.

........

Its been so long... ever realise its all in a circle.. spinning round and round.. till a person simply like huh.. i have been walking ard in circle hmm.. After the talk with Big Bun, the JiJi realise something... circles.. tt all it abt. Its still jus her... all along. But somehow the feelings are jus simply locked.. n the key is either throw away or stack somewhere. Its jus walking ard in circles.. in the end it leads back to her again.

Something the JiJi asked himself.. if ever theres a time.. he will see her again on the streets or anywhere.. she is holding someone elses hand. Would he shed tears again.. would it be tears of joy for her or tears of sadness becos he has never told her abt how he feel towards her.

Still remember the time, JiJi saw her holding the hands of a guy, smiling happily. The whole world seem to collasped upon him... n he simply jus teared. That was the tears of sadness. Now coming to the same point again.. Wat would he do if he ever seen her again in the same kind of situation? This is wat he told himself... he should be happy for the her. Thk God tt she has found a better person. Prayin for them tt it will last till marriage till old age. Shedding tears of joy for her instead of tears of sadness.

Feelings are there.. probably will be since she's the first love of JiJi. The fact is she will never see this blog, probably nvr know how he still feel towards her. How he wish he could jus tell her how much he miss her, jus to see her smile... =)

Evax on Friday..

jus want to blog this out.. suddenly got thought passin in my mind.. cant catch hold of it.. so blog this first.. yeah

Its was indeed a dark n gloomy nite.. really windy n chilly.. we gather in the chapel as usual before going out evangelism.. i was like kinda wonderin evax at nite.. will there even be anyone to approach? tt nite there was a multi-cultural festival goin on as well in sch. so i mus admit i am quite skeptical yupz. Nonetheless it went ahead. Charis ask us to spend couple of minutes.. prayin to God for anything words or impression or vision. At first.. i find it hard to focus on God n listen to Him.. still bother by the bird attack in the morning. 2nd time in a wk.. Jus pray n try my best to focus.. slowly manage to get the focus back.. prayin to God whether is there anything tt He wants me to know n share out to others..

Slowly there was this darkness engulfing ard me.. was wondering wat this.. started to become even darker. i was wonderin.. something wrong? suddenly the picture change to mountains in the darkness, cold n chilly.. after awhile it changed again to a ship in the sea surrounded by darkness.. its seems to be more confusing.. then the picture changed again.. i saw a dark tunnel.. so dark.. then a light appeared.. n tts the end of the whole picture i saw while praying to God. I was like piecing all of them together tryin to figure out wats it all abt.

Suddenly everything became clear.. this was wat it was..

Darkness: Alot of pple who still in the darkness have not see the light (God)

Tunnel and light: Everyone fears when they are alone in the darkness, where there is light in the darkness it gives hope n sight for the person.. wanderin n lost.

Ship in the sea: Pple are still lost n blinded waiting to hear the Good News..

Mountains: Shepherd will travel even in the darkness to find His sheep and not give up, over the mountains, rivers, like the song "His Sheep am I"

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Sums up.. we were given the command to reach out to pple, sharing the good news of God. Be the light in the darkness, bringing in lost pple. I believe this is it. All i need to confirm certain stuff. yupz.. One of the things i been praying for as well.. compassion... Time to move out..

Dancing for the Lord of the dance

Finally, i have overcome the fear of dancing infront of alot of pple. NOt said i am no longer afraid but instead i will be more willing to take part. By God grace, the dance went smoothly.. during the last rehearse..abt half n hr ago.. i forget my moves.. n kinda like stun on the stage.. everything seems to stop. n pple at the bottom was like staring at me.. wow. i was like sweating.. n stress out. Indeed He is the Lord of the dance. Christmas is coming hear tt there is a dance too yeah i am going for it.. really pray hard tt i can make it. In Him all things are possible!

The Shepherd

Worries crease the forehead with wrinkles
Looking forth the horizon, darkness falls
Every step He took, calling out constantly
Over the steep sharp rocks, slipping and falling

Constantly He look around, eyes focusing in the dark
Sweats flow down His brow and sides, in weariness He continues
Calling out constantly, pushing on even when He's tired
Never resting, never slacking, fervently He searched

Cowering in the corner, a little sheep shivers
Braying away, fear gripped it
Many times it has wondered away
Into the dark unknown, where danger lies

A name was hear, the little sheep hears a tapping sound
Slowly it peeks out of the corner, again it hears its name
Braying even louder, slowly moving out of the corner
Soon a dark figure appeared infront of it

Frightened it was at the sight of the figure.
Stumbling it tried run away and hide
Strong, tender hands reach out to hold it
A gentle voice calls out it's name.

Happiness and joy filled the little sheep
Tears falling from the sherpherd's eyes.
Gently saying, "I am here, do not be afraid"
Cuddling the little sheep, heading back home

Where the pastures are always green
Where waters are always clear and refreshing
Back in the safe arms of the Sherpherd
That little sheep am I.

I dun really know wat to write today.. got some stuff on my mind. but jus couldnt get it out.. its good positive stuff. i suppose heez.. Things still bright now... a change is required.. life tt needs to be tidied up.. clearing up the mess.

Waiting still....when will appear.. haiz..

Waiting for the blue black to appear.. on my left foot n right knee.. Got stepped on my foot by someone wearing shoe.. it still hurt but after rubbin it.. the blue black still dun come out.. knee is doing something stupid.. n end up crashing into a bench n table.. Sometimes.. its kinda fun.. doing stupid things.. but mus be more careful..
SHouldnt hav done it.. too late for regrets... haiz.

Jus cant stop loving u...

haha.. so whoever readin this. might probably think.. who the gal?? =P nah nah nah.. its Jesus i am refering to. He holds me close in His arms, never let me go.. The extent of His love touches my heart.. thought i still fail Him fall.. Darkness seems overwhelming.. He still rescues me!! always..

Becos of HIs love.. i simply jus cant stop loving Him.. simply jus cant stop falling in love with Him..

Surrounding me..

Hmm.. jus kinda startin to worry abt pple ard me.. alot of things seems to be happening to them.. Jus dunno how to approach to ask.. n dunno wat to say... I hope i am not neglecting my bro n sis ard me.. been busy with sch stuff n etc.. hmm best way is to pray for them.. i suppose.

Take care my dear bro & sisters!

Dance..

Well well well.. i am learning to dance haha. It sound abit strange aye. Hmmm still remember my bad experience with dancing.. It was during pri. sch. did something wrong.. n end up leaving my partner standin in the middle of a basketball court. The girl was super angry n my teacher was also super angry. Well.. things can still go wrong aye.

BUt nonetheless.. i decided to overcome this fear.. n join the dancing.. practise for church anniversary.. thought i keep forgettin lotsa of move.. i will still continue to practise n learn it. It for God i am doin it.. yeah. Its really fun.. today was quite funny.. end up my foot got step on quite hard by someone.. hmm.. the bruise would probably appear in couple of days.. should be okay heez. Dancing is fun!!!

Perfect Day n Running after YOU!!

PErfect day.. would be the day Christ enter my life.. indeed it is.. tt where all the transformation slowly take place.. till who i am now. I still be transform. No matter how painful, tough, i still mus press on n run after God.

Being 24...

24 yrs have past in a glance.. seems like its jus happened in one day.. hmm.. wat installed for me. haha. Wish i could go for the unidus n prayer mtg. but cant have to stay in sch work late for the project which started so late... thk God for answering my pray n now we hav a supervisor.

My 24th bday n is gonna be in sch.. wow.. how interesting this can get.. simply means ... i am older should be more wiser, responsible then before. Shouild be time for me to sleep.. i suppose. both my eyes are like totally blur n cant see clearly.. hmm..

Masque Soiree

Today was the day ... it should be yesterday. haha. first time have to wear suit, tie, long sleeves, pants n leather shoes plus a mask for the event. ultimate formal. liaoz.. feel so weird.. way too formal.. had a good time. At least can try once.. haha

Had quite a enjoyable time.. there are two best part to the play.. haha. one was when Rhys show his glory haha.. my jaws drop.. oh my.. it actually happened.. infront of so many pple.. i jus cant stop laughing.. The next best part was Isaac.. he dress like a girl.. i was like.. so stunned.. haha. He the best.. It was a great nite.. overall. =)

Glances into the time...

Its been half a yr since i left singapore on my own. Recently having lotsa of flashback.. ever since the hospital stay. Alot of things are zooming thru my mind. Its time to take a look back wat happened, analyse, learn n move to improve my life and walk with God.

The day tt. i got onto the plane. The sadness seems so overpowering n tears would jus appear anything. I really wonder why am i here in brisbane? Y brisbane? y not anywhere. Are there regrets or other stuff. God leaded me here for a reason. I was practically dyin off in sg spiritually. I am in the dire straits.. n almost giving up. Overpowered by all the stuff going thru my mind. I would have started to stop attending church and stuff, even so if i am attending, it would be a routine jus to follow.. simply no feelings, commitment. I jus wanted to give up on so much stuff. Life is really down n down n down.. i dun even see any light.

I have been running away frm so many things. Caught so by the past, refusing to let it go. Even how hard i tried.. i still refuse to let go of it myself. Days n nites of sadness, brokeness, fear, tears, pain, depression... Simply wish i could jus disappear into thin air. The chains seems so hard to break, the darkness was so overwhelming in my life. Was in need of a release n freedom frm the darkness which tied me down.. I was jus running away n avoiding everything to the extent i am so tired of it. Tired of numbing myself till it hurts so much. till it seems i am totally jus pain..

It was the same almost everyday.. n all the way even when i touch down into brisbane. Things slowly started to change.. In a new enivronment, things change n freshened up. God is slowly reviving my life everyday over here in brisbane. Its seems like i am running away frm things again. It was at the beginning. Coming to a point in time i slowly commit it to God. Casting my anxiety n burden unto Him.. He didnt even wait for a moment.. jus as i have been in sch for the 2nd or 3rd day.. i meet President Xi (hahaha) ... i was sitting there alone in sch on the bench.. I am kinda like a fallen away christian.. "lost sheep" venturing out into other places. God, my sherpherd hasnt given up on me all this while. I was like invited to attend a bbq which i missed haha. i got the time mixed up n also feel like running ard instead of joining them too. It might be a good choice haha. I was like kinda hesitant n wanted to explore abit more n find a suitable place. I jus wanted more options.

The strangest part is the more i run away frm CCM.. the more they came appearing before me. Let put it this way.. i went back to sch..to like check out some stuff. yeah.. i thought y not go check out if there is any club hse in sch then maybe can pop in n visit all th christian grps. Well sad to speak.. there isnt any club hse... end up waiting for the market day. It finally came.. i was walking out.. to Kidney lawn. Whoa there was so much pple ard. there the tentage was there infront of me. i walk ard.. havin a look. was like wanting to to walk inside but i hav crowd phobia.. so decided man.. jus go home... somehow instead of walking on the pavement.. i was drawn towards road.. n walking down. Somehow the christian grps was seem to be hidden away frm my sight. As i walk. the first christian grp appeared infront of me. Guess wat, its CCM. I was thinking should i jus walk over there n find out more. Even before i was like able to make up my mind i am already slowly walking towards the booth. hmmm. then again Mr President Xi appeared out of no where.. Ninja???? haha jus kidding. after couple of mins there.. the guy with the cap appeated n starting to talkin to me as well. He none other then Mr Vun Jie Lun kekeke.. think tt his chinese name.

Well the talking went on for a while.. he actually invited me to care grp, church. Was persuaded to join ccm. In my mind i was thinking i want to try other grps.. available but somehow i was getting tired of walking.. so i though i might come another day.. but i was left with little choice.. cos the market day is only one day in Garden's Point. So i thought might as well. I am in... I mus admit.. i was still strayin away frm God still.. tt friday was care grp day. i was like kinda forgotten abt it. i was with my hse mate.. in the city havin a drink. suddenly it pop into my mind.. i look at the timing.. its was like 6pm.. hmm. so i thought should i try to go down still... i called alvin.. n somehow God works in a way we can nvr imagine. i still manage to get there.. To me i was thinking its more like a social visit still i didnt want to join as yet. Well. i mus admit.. God somehow make CCM like a superglue.. i kinda like stuck there haha.. Now i am with Daniel Five, a great n marvelous grp.. energetic, fun loving, FRESH pple. =) Fact is i am stuck n not only tt.. i am stuck to God even closer then before. Starting to attending church.. but i didnt change much i mus admit.

The real change came...on tt faithful nitez. haha. it might sound abit funny... tt nite was kinda gloomy n rainy... cold n wet nite. Was attending the combine prayer mtg. Tt was the nite where my life was totally shaken up.. opened up. Alvin was giving a lesson on the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I first heard abt it.. quite some time back. After i heard abt how Mel life changed after being baptised by the Holy Spirit. I was rather keen on it. I mean if it really make me yearn for God more, n outgoing for Him..i would give it a shot. I was dearly in need of a spiritual revival in my life. My life really changed tt nite. Its like being renewed n restored, my life slowly opened up.. i feel more joy in doing things, everything seems so much brighter then before.. Its like being flooded till overflowing with joy n fire for God. I am still changing still to be a better christian n Christ like. There still room for improvement.. and i will keep on pushing on n improving. one area of improvement is need of compassion for others. yeah.

There are lot of things to thk God for, thkful for pple who nvr give up on me. In sg, they been there for me.. even thought they might not know wat happening to me then.. i really thkful to God for puttin them in my life to support me n reminding me of Him in tt i didnt give up on God totally.

Thks to All Kaleo pple!

Special Thks
Men's grp: Pastor Andrew, Andy, Bun, Robert, Acts, Weijie, Hock, Lawrence, Daniel.
Brothers: Eddy, PC, Justin, John Wong, John Chew
Sisters in Christ: Su_lynn, Sze Sze, Sylvia, Mag, Alicia Boo, Alicia Lim, Lynn, Sharon, Angela, Grace

Compassion

Jus searched deep inside.. is there even a hint of compassion in my heart at all? Sometimes i really wonder where has all the compassion go to. I really don't have an idea of wat i can write abt.. on this blog regarding compassion. I am really really lack of compassion for others. Even at the point where it is most needed.. but where isit in my heart. Is it really tt hard to show compassion to others? Seriously, it seems abit hard.. unconsciously? hmm..

Ducks..

Jus now as i was cycling home.. saw ducklings at the museum's pools at the south bank. They are so cute, six of them actually so small n fragile they are with their mom n dad. swimming happily in the pool.

The family how did they manage to get to the pool area. All ard is roads, the river is also quite a distance frm the museum. Its really amazing.. the ducklings can fly.. unless they cling onto their parents n got air lifted there. Or it could jus simply be tt they walk all the way to the pool. Imagine a line of ducks walking along the pavement n even crossing roads? its kinda amazin to think abt it.

It reflects as well, God cares, loves His creation. He take cares of the birds n everything. God definitley loves us jus as much! yupz!

See something....

Rain clouds, thunders, lightnings.. it really gloomy. Its so cold n dark. Everything changes in a while, sun peek out frm teh clouds sending in bright rays of lights thru the spaces. Warm comes in... Sun still shines after the rain... n rainbow appears. Something tt i saw during the prayer mtg.. yeah.

Not matter how tough n difficult things can get in our life. It jus like the rain clouds, thunder, lightning, cold, dark gloominess. It can last very long.. but in the end the sun still shines. God is always there.. though we might not think so... cos the fact is sometimes we are really clouded by all the stuff going thru in our lives. God is faithful n loves us no matter wat. Rainbow in the bible is a covenant God has with Noah. God promises are also true, He is steadfast God, loving kindness nvr fails. We can always cling on to God's promises.. =)

Something tugging...

Something seems to be tuggin gently at my heart.. but wat it is exactly.. hmmm. Recently images of events frm the past, started appearing in my mind.. the good, bad, ugly.. I no longer feel the way i used to.. being tied down n feel depressed whenever the images come back.. aye. Now wat i feel is peace and gladness, thkfulness for everything tt happened. Really thk God tt i am being changed daily. Jus like the song by Steven Chapman Curtis states.

I was just a little kid when
I heard about You for the first time
And all I really, really knew for sure
Was You were God, I wanted to know You
And now the years have come and gone
I'm still singing that same song
You might think by now I would have reached the end
But the truth is...

I am only just beginning
I am only getting
Started to know You now
I'm only getting started
And when I start thinking I'm getting
Close to the end, You just smile at me and say
Hey, kid, you ain't seen nothing yet
I'm only getting started
I'm only getting started now

Now Your love it is an ocean
Deeper than my deepest notion
Your grace, it is the sky above
It just keeps on going forever
And with every new sunrise
You come and open up my eyes
Show me just a little more of You
And again I see that...

Song lyrics by Steven Chapman Curtis.

It is so wonder n marvelous how God works.. its true. Praise God.
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First time..

Wah.. wat a care grp. First time, playing guitar for care grp. Its like ultimate exp. wasnt prepare to... didnt even think abt it.. obviously i messed it up totally. Thk God.. Charis took over.. things become better.

Felt so nervous playing.. total mess up. But its not going to be the last time.. i gonna try harder n i wont jus fall down.. n sit there n cry. gonna learn n practise more on my own.. so next time. i will be better. Hopefully i can hav another try at it. It all abt praising God n not myself. I will try my best to do it. All things are possible with God ard!!

God marvelous love (testimony) Praise Him!!

Psa 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psa 23:2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
Psa 23:3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Psa 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psa 23:5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Psa 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
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Even when the fact i was send to the hospital for severe allergy reaction. But thru this, God has fullfilled couple of His many promises to us, Amen!! A sheep is one of the stupid animal in the world.

Psa 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
But a sheep hears its Sherpherd. Fact i had the reaction, normally the first reaction is panic n at lost at wat to do. But during the reaction.. believe God prompted me to take the asthmatic spray n took a anti-histamine pill to control it. After which i sit down n pray..

Psa 23:2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
Psa 23:3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
After the prayer for healing.. the reaction slowed down.. i jus lay down on the bed hoping tt the reaction will go off soon. Well.. it didnt. I was feeling peaceful still n decided to get help frm my frens. All the while as the reaction was gettin worst.. there was still peace within my soul. Becos God is with me.

Psa 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psa 23:5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Psa 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

By the time the ambulance came, my blood pressure was like sky high.. its critical.. as anything could have happened. Severe allergy reaction could lead to death as well =). Its like walking thru "valley of shadow of death". Plus the paramedic wasnt experience but everything jus went well n smooth still even with the long delay to the hospital. God used the pple ard me to comfort me, n He was holding me close to Him.. protecting me frm anything evil and bad. I was saved frm possible death. This is my second time, i had such severe allergy. This is my life verse. which has been impressed upon me by a really great sister of mine. Indeed, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and i shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever"

Thk you.. n greatest gratitude to my wonderful Lord and Saviour, Almighty, Great I am. Praise God!

Strikes again....

The most unexpected thing happened.... in a nite visit the hospital twice.. Firstly becos of the swell at the back of my head.. its so painful. n causing me headaches, n backaches.. its was late. I went to the hospital to see a doc to find out wat had happened. Mater Hospital.. a long walk there. Was joking with my fren so late liaoz.. have to walk to the hospital haha.. there isnt any 24hr clinic.. over here. Went to the A&E department tt was the only place we can go. Entire process took abt 2 hrs plus by the time reach home is abt. 12 plus midnight.

So decided to take the medication after a long chat with another hse mate of mine. Happily i jus down the pills n took some bread. After a min.. i feel something was not rite. face was kinda swelling up n itching.. i thought its jus a rash cause by the cold.. didnt bother at all. Less than a min.. whole face was swollen, itching n lips.. also start to swell. this time i realise it was a allergic reaction.. so i took some anti-histamines to curb it.. thinking its will be over soon. i was so so wrong.. it got worst. to the point i was wheezing n cant breathe. in the end had to use the asthmatic spray to clear my air passage. jus feeling terrible. i decided to wait for a while more to see if condition subsides.. but it didnt.. whole body was starting to shake.. n swelling. tt its, i am definitely havin a severe allergic reaction again. Suddnely reminded of wat happened in sg, as quick as i could staggered to my fren's room n knock on his door.

He came out got a shock.. staring at my swollen face. i couldnt speak at all as the throat was swollen.. still manage to mouth some words for him to catch.. but still he cant get it.. so he went to get other hse mate to check on me.. The guy upon seeing me.. ask my fren go call the ambulance.. couple of other hse mate came out.. n keeping an eye on me.. all of them in shock.. finally the ambulance came.. n they couldnt start moving off as the blood pressure was rising too high.. due to the reaction.. the best thing was.. the lady paramedic was new.. she wasnt sure of wat to do.. n thk God she was calm thru out.. seeking help frm the hospital n her colleage who was more exp. really thk God tt. He provided me with calmness n peace.. for He is with me thru the ordeal. i jus prayed.. within my heart. thk God everything went fine. n now i am out.. thought the face is still bloated.. but i am thkful tt God saved my life again. Thk God for my hse mates after my discharge i actually walk home.. all by myself.. though the entire journey i was like still drowsy becos of the drug. They keep checking on me.. n cook lunch n dinner for me as well. until i am able to see n speak clearly practically sleep thru the day n today i am much better.. thk God for His protection n grace.

Jus a thought

Sometimes if things can be more specific.. it jus might work well. At least less pondering n dwellin on the issue. Seems kinda pointing in tt direction but it seems not at the same time. Well. maybe sometimes.. its jus the step of opening the mouth n ask?? haha... =P Still feeling great even when i am tired. Joy seems to be overflowing haha.. kinda excited abt attending daniel 4.. hmm how would it be like.. haha. Really like the mighty daniel family.. da best!!

COming back to the point again. Its really funny how things can be so coincidental or it is suppose to be tt way. haha. It like flipping the name ard, moving up to the next letter. guess wat.. its her name haha. I was like wondering.. how come the name reminds me of someone. After much scrutinising.. i was WOW!! could it be possible.. fact tt it is possible since i have already seen it. Well shouldnt dwell on it too much.. Got more impt things to focus on. WOnderin how everyone in sg is doing.

Wish someone could give me a hug.. haha. cheeky cheeky cheeky.. a hug tt jus symbolise frenship.. encouragment even if its frm a guy.. its great! I still can hug God!! Awesome!!

So tired.. ahhh. My eyes are bearly able to keep itself open.. everything seems so bright tt my eyes cant even focus properly. Need to big break.. miss home food.. where is my chicken rice, roast pork rice, all the food ahhhh.. where has it disappear.. wahhh.. haha.. not frustrated actually jus wanna hav abit of fun. Jus wish could jus sit down by the beach again.. n let the cold wind blew onto my face.. its so refreshin.. lookin up into the dark sky...all the stars jus baskin away. its so relaxing.. lookin forward to the time to do tt. But still now even tired.. i dun feel really tt frustrated.. becos God is with me.. amen!! He is sustaining me.. if by my own strength i probably be foaming on the grd.. heez. I may still be down with flu.. but i am leaning against the best best best best fren.. GOD!! Thank you GOD!!!

Name

Hmm.. its abt my name.. haha.. not tt i am a self freak.. jus wanna remind myself of certain things. yup yupz.. =P n this is why i chose the name.. its wasnt until after a while i chose the name then i really realise it.

Jabez: Sorrow, pain....

1) Remember Jesus died on the cross for our sins. The pain of being beaten, flogged, pierce by the nails.. all this becos of our sins.

2) Remember the pain parents go true to bring me up. The love they showered n the support they given to me. They are really marvelous n wonderful gifts tt God has put in my life. They are precious to me.

3) To be a blessing to others.. Avoid inflicting pain n hurt to others. Be sensitive to pple feelings. Avoid disobedient to God n make God heart hurt, sad again.

Psalm 71:14-24 (English Standard Version)

¹⁴But I will hope continually
and will praise you yet more and more.
¹⁵My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
of your deeds of salvation all the day,
for their number is past my knowledge.
¹⁶With the mighty deeds of the Lord GOD I will come;
I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.

¹⁷O God, from my youth you have taught me,
and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
¹⁸So even to old age and gray hairs,
O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
your power to all those to come.
¹⁹Your righteousness, O God,
reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
O God, who is like you?
²⁰You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
you will bring me up again.
²¹You will increase my greatness
and comfort me again.

²²I will also praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.
²³My lips will shout for joy,
when I sing praises to you;
my soul also, which you have redeemed.
²⁴And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
who sought to do me hurt.
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I jus find this verse while reading the daily bread.. jus cant resist putting this on the blog!! Its AWESOME!!

wats next.. comin up.. more surprise in life.. woohoo.. THis kinda exciting, life seems to be changing so fast.. n pace is gettin faster. Slowly i feel the change in me.. its great. Cant wait to embark on this journey with God... still tryin hard to be the man after God's own heart like King David. I jus wanna be changed by God n not turned back again to wat i am.. This is probably the happiest period of my life. i am kinda like bursting with joy n hope. Still remember the tears.. n pain but life is always filled with hope n love becos God is always holding me close to Him.. Been attempting to do things i nvr done before.. like the o' wk.. approaching pple.. i mus admit i didnt have the courage..but i did tried at least.. Practise make perfect.... Best of the things.. the Kingdom of God is advancing!

The feeling of being free.. is so exhilarating.. the things tt bind me down in the past.. are almost broken... Praise God.. i finally slowly lettin go of things. Tts really great. There still room for improvement.. i mus continue working on it.

LOve ActuAlly

HMm.. this is an old show.. haha. jus finished watching it. QUite sentimental kind n tear inducing.. heez. Its bring a emotional touch, the warm feeling of being loved n the happiness tt comes with it. Its jus all ard.. love btw. pple, frens, family, etc n the greatest love displayed the love of Jesus.. AMen!!!

Sometimes, its kinda of a stupid feeling, looking ard searching for the love? Where is it? HOw do i go abt finding it.. even when i am writing this i am laughing n smiling away. Life has nvr been so light hearted.. for a long long time. Something has indeed changed.. refreshing.. a totally new being. Definitely not becos of the show =) It is becos of God.. Haha.. still where my life partner haha? i jus cant stop laughin at myself haha..

Arent it sweet n assuring to know tt God is the pillar and strength which we can fall on without having to worry. Indeed it is. Worship not only about sing praise to God but everyday of life, lifestyle etc is a method of worship to God.

Something something something

Its great to be able to see someone frm kaleo again. Sylvia.. Yeshhh.. i finally got my plums.. plums.. plums.. plums.. mmmm.. plums... yippeezzz yipeezz. I wish i could jus see some pple.. jus wish they could jus appeared in front of me.. wouldnt tt be great.. Jus wondering how the rest of the pple are getting on. Time sure have fly past so fast.. 1/2 a yr has past yeah.. across the oceans.. I begining to like this place. its a great place.. though.

Finally get my hands down on my camera.. haha. been running ard.. taking photos... but most of them got deleted cnmi. its great.. photography.. one of my hobbies.. over here is so much natural.. so much to see. n take.Yesterday was a really really cold day.. i finally had my trip on the city cat at nitez.. its even colder. Arent it stupid.. a guy jus standing out in the city cat.. watching the scenery when its so cold outside... until i really cant stand it... its kinda nice trip.. but no scenery on some parts.. Thoughts jus soar thru my mind.. couldnt capture it at all.. but its all happy thoughts.. for the first time.. was smiling away. The words tt i say to sylvia is rings in my mind. Is there something tt will change everything? (this not the words hahaha)...

MCT

finally got my chance to reach Mt Cool. it is cold up there.. riding to there n going up the slope is a massive killer. Feel so tired.. n sweaty.. Got a view of the entire brisbane city.. not bad a view.. haha but didnt bring camera well batteries not inside n no new batteries. its been so long since i cycled so far.. nice.

On the way back tt the best part of all. My bicycle back tyre punctured.. ahhhh. have to push frm Mt Cool area all the way back to west end.. wah.. it really dampened the mood. Well.. thk God i had music to listen to all the way back to home.. Now i am feeling tired.. really tired.. still hav to get my bike fixed asap. yeah.

Sleepless in Brisbane

Ever wonder how tough it is to jus lay on the bed, tryin to sleep when u are tired but still cannot sleep.. toss n turn in the bed to early morning. I cant really sleep.. not only becos of my bio clock change.. also other stuff on my mind.. its been a long time since i had insomia.. other then the long periods with i had during my time in sg. the worst was the last few months.. before i flew off. "Revenge of the Sleepless".. i hate U!!!!!! haha

Rain

Its rainning again.. it jus reflects the mood tt i am in.. really down. The cycle goes on.. breaks n goes on.. it up to myself to get out of it... the decision is my own. Feelings jus seems to be stronger, its feels so frustrating.. i hope i wont have to go thru all the stuff again. Its going to be real tough... I am to be blame once again..

Showers tt come..
Cold breeze tt blows..
Cold and dark it is..
When will the sun shine again..
Silence cries of the heart..
That couldnt be heard..

A nice day??

Hmm.. jus wondering was it a nice day?? been rainning straight for 3 days.. today we had bbq in the passing rain.. had a great time.. bbqing.. well this time rd i did most of the eating instead of cookin heez..

also had a gd time feeding the sea gulls, ducks and a the long beak bird.. ever seen a duck got chase by lotsa of gulls.. whoa.. partly becos of my fault..was feeding the duck give it a big piece of bread.. suddenly the gulls swarm n tried to snatch the bread frm the duck.. poor thing .. it zoomed all over the water.. surface tryin to escape the attack.. everyone was shocked.. at the chase.. it lasted for couple of mins..

later went for movie war of the worlds.. well it didnt turn out to expectations.. the ending was abrupt.. n anti-climax.. almost fall asleep during the movie though. Hmm.. yeah jus remember.. jus now.. a faulty wire on the wire line also was giving off starks.. at first was jus one bulb going on n off. Then came the servicemen.. within half n hr the whole street blackout.. haha.. first black out over here though.

Dogs came into my mind.. like dogs.. the husky came in heez.. once saw 2 big huskies.. one snow-white the other browny, black.. they look AWSomezz.. n so beautiful.. wow.. i wish i had one too.. was thinkin if i ever have a dog. i will either go for a big big one or a small small one.. heez.. siberia husky if i didnt get it wrong.. it should be the biggest husky ard.. my fren told me tt they are very strong n kinda stubborn though. i still like them hhaa..feel so tired.. body clock is totally reversed.. n now its strugglin to change.. watever..

Well its over..n wat next

Exams r finally over.. wat should i do then?? most of my frens are going back to sg.. i might not even have the chance to go back for two yrs.. it seems.. or even longer? I really dunno. its 4 plus in the morning i should be sleeping.. but somehow i am still awake..

The thing on my mind now. is jus feelings. Sometimes it jus seem so funny.. feeling often so sticky n so hard to shake it off. Jus hoping tt things arent really going the way tt i am thinking of tt particular direction. Or else.. i going to have a really tough time again... Should jus let it continuing growing and increasing or jus simply force it to stop growing. Sometimes it can really be so deceptive and confusing. Wat exactly is happening in my heart.. hmm... this time rd it might be a big problem... n headache..

The Battle field and the General

Time have pass so fast its the last paper... been so many times tt ihad fought losing battle in my own life. But many times i have been left standing surviving the battle. The Lord is Great General leading me in the battle field. Without Him I wouldnt have been sitting here still. Give thks to the Lord of hosts... our loving & faithful Father. Kind, compassion, ever loving. To Him i commit my battles n everything into His hand. He is Lord forever, without Him I am nothing.

wats going to happen next.. thing seems so bleak.. how i wish i could disappear from sight.. *poof*

Last thing i would really think of its BLACK OUT!!!!!!!!!!! Wat happened?? I black out during my exam today.. the moment i start reading paper.. everything was erased. i cant remember wat the course name, no. and even wat is the name of my degree.. at the moment jus feel like cryin out.. n walk out of the exam hall. End up writing lotsa of rubbishn junk into the paper. got a feeling i going to buang badly..

Sometimes i really wonder am i for real?? WAt exactly am i feeling.. its kinda disturbing n sad.. to be happy or to be sad at the knowing seeing things n way it is.. Suddenly everything jus came crashing down again. Feel crush.. feel so alone.. where everybody?

What has happened?? It jus something i cant grasp nor understand. Was it becos of me tt things have to turn out tt way. Its not the first time... y did have to happen. In the end, if everytime it is supposed to be this way.. i shouldnt have bother even to think or start. It simply happened so fast... tt it really puts a person into a shock... n no ans, wat n how should i go abt doing it.

Situation can be in such a state... i cant possibly think would really happen. Its totally like a 360 change.... frm the start things will nvr be the same again.. n it will nvr be as in the end. Now the fact is, i dunnno wats right n wrong, it so grey out there. Wat if it has to happen again.... and again n again. It not so easy to handle it.. it can drive a person to wits end. Only to regret tt it turn out this way when in the first place it wasnt mean to be such a situation. It wasnt even towards the end... but still it has happened...

wat should i do... wat am i suppose to do.. how am i suppose to go abt doing it. It can be so demoralising... to the point of giving up n back to square one.. which i had chose to change for the better of it. y?

Flu, cough and fever....

Wat a good combo to have now.. haiz.. so tired.. feel like collasping. Tomolo still got early lesson.. sian everyone lesson ended. jus us.. lesson still go on.. n exam is on the sat!! lesson doesnt finish until thu.. still coughin n wheezin.. sneezing like mad. ahhhhh..

Lord, i really need yer healing hand be upon me, strengthen O Lord, teach me to continue trusting you even at this point of time. Let me not give up.. but continue to press on even when time is tight to do my QT, prayer and attending church n care grp. Commit my studies, n health into Yer Mighty hands Lord. FOrgive tt i havent been taking care of myself, sins tt i have committed as well as any transgressions... in Christ name, i pray amen..

Thank you, Lord for always loving n forgiving all this time.

Tugging at the heart...
Sticky as it usually is....
Will it ever end...
Will it ever end...

Every now and then...
Comes and goes...
Just like the wind...
Jus like the wind...

Sadness comes...
Painful it will be...
Soon it will be gone...
Soon it will be gone...

It time to sleepp

Yeah.. going to sleep after blogging. Exams jus next wk.. gotta push to gear 4 already.. whack all the way.. but still hav to spend time doing my qt. Got a mission in mind, hope its according to His plan. Haiz.. today bicycle pengz at the junction of the traffic light. was tryin to avoid some pple n the next moment my right leg is under my bicycle n hitting the pavement n road.. its hurts.. tomolo the bruise will sure appear. Kinda stupid.. to fall in such a way.. dunno wat i was thinking of as well. feeling very tired n drowsy.. flu is there.. want to sneeze but cant sneeze ahh.. wats this. irritating. finally got myself a mini vacuum cleaner for $20. work well.. indeed.. thk God. easier to clean up my clean.. yippe.. sleep.. later still mus wake up to study.. sleep.. NItez.

Fishing in Autumn.

Three guys out in the freezing water.. standing there to fish.. any better ideas.. haha.. its was a freezing fishing trip. was shivering n shaking so badly when we came out of the water onto the pavement.. the wind was blowing so strongly.. feet was so numb frm the cold.. n it turn so red... wat can be better to havin to change in the open behind the car with the wind still blowing.. wah.. shivers n goose bumps. Facing the same problem again.. the ach is coming back again.. seems like the coldness is causing very sourish kind of aches at the spine where the bone is bit off. now the knee cap seems to be acting up again.. should hav taken better of myself when i was younger. the ache is quiet sickening, though haiz.. time to sleep.. *Yawz***

Still awake again..

Somehow jus dun feel like sleeping.. want to study but cant really concentrate. Sometimes i jus wish the time would stop n reversed, so certain time can be revisited n change for the better. Its jus impossible.. so impossible. Jus dunno how to describe the feeling inside myself. Theres a thought which is in my mind recently, how should i go abt handling it. Haiz.. jus dun want to run away frm it..

Wat.. wat.. wat...

Wat is love? SO many kind of love.. the greatest love ever shown.. was the one when Christ die on the cross for our sins. The pure love of God for us.. the greatest sacrifice.

Ahhhhh..

Haiz.. cant believe it.. friday sprain my thumb while tryin to sit on the chair.. end up the chair spring back upwards.. trappin my thumb in a awkward position.. n i end up siting on the edge of the chair.. while my thumb was stuck in the awkward position. the end of the day realise i lost my pencil case.. sadz.. it has been with me since sec till now.. n its still in good condition. hope i can still find it tomolo..

Got some thoughts in my mind.. need to write it out.. flooding me up>>> haiz need time to sit down n pen them down first. i want to sleep.. sleep sleeep..

late night again..

hmm... finally got my light.. so i wont have to worry abt knockin into things at nite. when i switch off the lights.. on n off night blindness can be so troublesome.. n got some fruits n cereals.. havin stomach problems.. which means budget is broken again.. haiz.. but at least the things bought are for a valid reason n not for fun. yupz..

Took a walk in the open space in the hse compound.. its very very cold.. brrr.. got mistaken as a thief.. cant blame my hse mate.. cos i walkin ard in black .. n he got frightnened..time to sleep n rest.. feeling very tired.. exams less then a mth away got to push on further n faster.. yupz. but continue to trust in God for wisdom.. n guidance. lookng forward to the coming care grp n prayer mtg. yeah..

y am i still awake

Arent i tired..n sleepy. y am i still awake.. am i pushin myself too hard? dun want to end up falling sick.. but i am too slack?? headachez..

Presentation.. wear a pair of leather shoes then couldnt fit my feet.. simply hav to squeeze my feet in ouch.. haiz.. if only we can dress casually for the presentation.. think i was kinda nervous.. seem like i am shouting at the audience, also forgot my points as well. Good thing its over.. hmm seems like i hav to go source for a cheap pair of leather shoes n a tie, pants..

God ans my prayer... yippee. yesterday nite pray tt i can make it for the prayer mtg. wasnt really too confident tt i could make it. today seems like the presentation drained my leader so much tt he decided he needs a break.. to recharge. tada i am on my way to the prayer mtg. Also mus thank God i didnt really got lost on my way to there. journey safety plus rite choice of directions.. thk God for His guidance. Had a great time at the mtg. cried n my eyes was kinda swollen, its was a gentle reminder frm God of my current situation n status.. i should have trusted Him more.. n focus more on God first.. indeed.. ahh feeling hungry.. n sleepy.. haiz..

Sorry... for all tt i have done.. really sorry abt it.. its all too late.. all the hurt tt was done..sorry.

Jus Him

Breeze the gently brushes by
A ting of coldness rides down the body
Sitting by the river wallk, staring out
A beautiful sight of the city lies in view

Gently as the breeze blows by
Pondering upon the thoughts in mind
While stars shines brightly above in the heavens
A wonderous sight and marvelous view

As the breeze brushes by
All quiet and peaceful
Tears start to fall, a form of release
Gone are the worries & sadness with the breeze

A new start to begin with
To continue pressing on in life
Amid all the obstacles and pitfalls
Hope will always be there

Where does in come from
From the God who loves me
Who knows me
Who always will be with me

He knows...

He knows our burdens and our crosses,
Those things that hurt, our trials and losses;
He cares for every soul that cries—
God wipes the tears from weeping eyes. —Brandt

Tears are often the telescope by which we can see into heaven.

He the one who see everything, knows everything, indeed

possum, ducks n pyro!!

Possum.. saw one on the bridge connecting to a blk.. haha.. so cute. a small n chubby one.. jus feel like cuddling it.. playin with it. CUteezzz.. Quite surprise to see it in the building area.. instead of out in the open.. hmm. next time mus bring camera n capture it.. Quite funny.. also saw two cute little ducks.. strolling along jus outside the library haha.. it also so cutezz.. in a single file..moving arrd.. looking for food. they jus dont seem to be afraid of human..

Pyros.. its really great.. the fire works display.. seem like over here will be able to see lottsa of fire works display.. nice. been so long since i have seem fire works display so near n upfront.. its indeed beautiful n wonderful.. Starts to have feelings of missing home.. n pple in there.. jus wondering how all there are doing.. looking at the stars.. reminded me of her again.. the cute little girl haha.. know her since sec sch.. glad she doing well in sch n life n walk with God.. indeed she has grown n mature alot.. feel happy n glad for her. yeah.. along will come along another n another person.. haha.. seems nvr ending.. but its all abt the same. jus thk God tt friends we still are.. yupz

Well.. Well

Things seems to be getting it seems. Assignments slowly been clear.. got some time to study for exams still. Still something bothering me.. let time settle it. Someday it will be okay.. someday. Thank God i was able to change my assigment grp without much hassle n trouble. not an easy thing.. waiting for lunch time.. hmm. lost weight.. is it good for me.. jus couldnt help but wonder. watever..

haiz..

Already feeling kinda depressed already.. now its adding on to it. haiz. Thank God tt i manage to complete one of the assignment programming. Jus felt its so unfair. Being play out by one of the team mate. IN the end still i am the one doing it. sickening.. really feel like screaming at him n kick him out of the team n let him learn a tough lesson. Tomolo have to complete the assignment.. presentation on thursay. Dear Lord really need help.. feelin very tired.. n drain out.. teach me Lord to trust in Yer strength n provision.. for Yer ways are higher then mine n You have plans for me to prosper. Draw me closer to You.. teach me to be humble n forgiving as well. indeed Lord... change me.. Amen

Decent dinner..

well finally.... a decent dinner.. miss th carrot cake thinggy. so decided to work it out with macronic instead.. cooked it like the way the fried carrot cake it done.. well as a experiment its turn out to be quite edible.. still. manage to let out some frustrations n feelings.. look ard.. cant find it aye.. its not suppose to be seen haha. am i really feeling happy?

anyway being sick is not fun at all. miss care grp n church service today.. haiz. i should be ashamed of myself... jus last wk..i saw a lady in QUT. She born without both upper limbs.. she talks on the mobile by holding it with her feet. She living life as normal.. moving on.. i shouldnt really complain too much abt my sickness. while there are others much worse then me.. Should jus continue to live a life tt honours God.. instead. gotta press on.. There is a purpose n reason why i am with this sickness. Believe the day will come where there will be no sickness, pain, etc.. Gotta wrk harder now.. till the day come..

Total Make over!

yESH. the make over finally came.. n its completed.. definitely look more neater n nicer. Tts my room make over.. spend few hrs..clearing up the place.. trasnfering n shifting stuff.. table, bed n cupboard..while at least it is now more.. clean n spacious compare to the day i first came in. The present i got frm the make over seems to be a flu.. been squeezing non stop.. feeling drowsy as well. with the room more ventilated.. its better but somehow jus caught the flu out of sudden.

Yup.. finally sorted my budget for the two yrs here.. deducting all the rental, phone, sch feels some other stuff.. i am left with ard 2-5 dollars a day. abt 14-35 dollars for a wk of all expenses tt might be incurred, like travelling, snacks, groceries, necessities.. To be more realistic.. it should be abt 21 p/w. Settin aside some for emergency.. its not going to be easy but God is in control of everything.. yup. jus hope n prayin tt my family side is okay.. Time to rest myself.. yupz..

Awake..

Still awake.. by rite should be sleeping. Well.. one good thing to be happy abt.. since i came over here.. i have been able to sleep well.. guess i am too tired.. to keep awake. Slowly lettin things go its way.. following the flow. Stars are jus so beautiful to look at.. brings back many memories of both good n bad. I need to recharge.. been pushin my body far too hard in terms of physical.. loosing weight again.. now pants seems to be lot lose.

How am i feeling now. i cant really say or explain.. its jus tt. lotsa of words.. i should have say but didnt cone out at all. time to sleep away n stack the words away to some corner.. needless to specify wat will happened... hmm..

To You

Here I stand
Forever in Your mighty hand
Living with Your promise
Written on my heart

I am Yours
Surrendered wholly to You
You set me in Your family
Calling me Your own

Now I,
I belong to You
All I need
Your Spirit,
Your word
Your truth
Hear my cry
My deep desireTo know You more

In Your name
I will lift my hands
To the King
This anthem of praise I bring

Heaven knows
I long to love You
With all I am
I belong to You

---------------------------------------
Song by Darlene Zschech

Indeed a great n powerful song. Reminds me of God's love.... the sacrifice.. thank God

Watsup now..

Jus got a new deal for a new bike.. just wish i could sell my old bike away asap... Am i feeling happy or am i feeling sad.. dun really know exactly.. sometimes it jus a thin line of difference.. but happy n sad are two diff. things.. where am i standin exactly..

Things seems to be inclining towards tt direction.. tryin hard not to dwell too much on it.. maybe it doesnt mean matter at all.. doesnt make any diff. Simply. jus take it out.. put into a box.. n sealed.. buried into the depths.. where it will not be touched, seen or be heard maybe for eternity.

Tired and painful..

Had a exhaustive day.. some more yesterday, went for badminton.. before tt was cycling.. ard. Was suppose to be playin badminton.. but see a volleyball.. haha.. well starting playin with it alone. it been such along time since i actually touch n hit a volleyball.. feeling is so nice n good. after a while, some pple join in jus have some fun digging ard.. after a while continue playing badminton.. as usual i am thrashed.. some how i jus cant seem to be able to play badminton.. but still learning.. after changing over.. continue with playin with the volleyball.. by the end of the sport session.. both my legs r painful, cramming soon. find it hard to walk, sit down couldnt really stand up.. sound stupid.. the best thing i still have to cycle home.. its was the one of the most painful n cycling trip i had..

Suddenly realise it was my dad bday.. so have to qiong all the way.. which makes my legs more tired.. n jelly. Really thk God tt i was able to reach home safely n after tt immediately went out to the strts to call my dad.. COuld hear tt they are happy to hear my voice n talk to me.. i sure miss them alot.. alot.. well i got updates n things sure are gettin better at home.. thk God.. yupz..

Hanging still

hang in there still.. been quite sometime i cried.. i cried again.. News the really hurt n worries me. Looking at my parents.. how tired n aged they have become since i last saw them. It hurts alot.. feeling sad, no one i can turn to.. its jus God i can turn to now.. was hoping to be able to talk to someone.. but no one seems to be ard.. i dunno. Suddenly feel so alone over here. I miss my frens.. family over in sg.. esp those whom i treasured in my heart.

sometimes it jus seems so tough.. being on my own over here. Wish close frens are here as well. thought being attached sometimes do pop into my mind.. still tryin hard not to get involve.. now. certainly not ready yet. My fren has got himself a gf.. fact is tt he already has one in sg.. its like haiz.. world is going down... n down.. hang in there pls.. hav to turn to God for strength n wisdom.. indeed.

Song by Hoobastank

i'm not a perfect person.
There are many things i wish i didnt do but i continue learning.
I never meant to do those things to you and so i have to say before i go,
that i just want you to know
I've found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that i hurt, its something
I must live with everyday and all the pain i put you through,
I wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears,
thats why i need you to hear i'm not a perfect person,
I never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that

i just want you to know i've found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me
you didnt know a reason for all that i do,
and the reason is you

---------------------------------

nothing to much to say abt... its a nice song. Cant remember the title of the show.. as well. Wanted to watch it when its out in sg.. tv but somehow i didnt manage to catch it.. =}

Rescue part 2

God really do it in a wonderful way.. it really shows how powerful, almighty He is.. all knowing, loving Father. Close shave happen how many times?? Sunday, evening time, when i was opening the gate to the hse.. "bang" got a shock... a rugby ball fly out n hit the fence near to me.. if the ball were to hit me.. i would be death or badly injure... couple of days back.. the bicycle incident.. yesterday... cycling back home.. on seeing they arent any cars coming so i decided to cross the small junction. only then i realise i was on top of a slope. so of cos i cant see any car coming.. i cycle halfway across the junction.. the bicycle.. failed.. no matter how hard i pedal.. it wouldnt move.. it wasnt chain drop.. some how it jus refused to move.. rite at this moment, a car appeared. i was panicking.. i pedal furiously to get it going.. suddenly it work n i was on the pavement... even if the car were to slow down.. i will still be hit.. cos the driver wouldnt be able to see me.. until he reach the top.. thank God.. Simply says one thing.. everything is in God's control.. have to trust in Him.. indeed. Jus fixed up my bicycle.. now the back brakes are working well.. gear is now more stable.. =)

Rescue

You are the source of the life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you
I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

***This song IS copywrited! its by Desperation***

indeed Lord, rescue me.. you are all that i need.. bring me closer to you, Lord. Broken lives, broken hearts, pain, stress, pressure.. all i bring to you. Indeed, where else can i go but to you, the One and only God.

Today..

Attended Hope Brisbane Church the 2nd time this time.. more open n able to worship God better. Charismatic church n kinda different from gefc. Had a enjoyable time.. more refreshed.. n more awake.. but still i dunno how i manage to enter the female toilet.. when it kinda obvious. thank God there wasnt anyone inside. Well. different angle.. the sign jus look so diff. hmmm.

now sitting here.. typin this, startin to miss pple again. Jus alone.. feeling abit cold.. actually i dunno how i feel exactly.. I should be happy God is still accompanying me still. Somehow the day i knew i was flyin off. Already knew tt some things will be lost n never be retrieve again.. things will be so different.. n its so frightening. Cant even fore see wat will happen exactly.. Then again things will be lost but also things will be gain in the process of it.. growing up process i guess. At times.. its saddening to think abt it.

Everyday esp during walkin home or to sch.. look ard.. jus feel so foreign in this place. So big.. so vast.. everything so diff. feel so small in this place.. Even as the wind blows.. thoughts of good times n bad times come back.. frens.. n family no ard.. being fully independent.. being throw into this big world fighting for survival. Sometimes jus wish tt i could understand my feeling better. nonetheless i still have God.. who is always faithful... n ever caring. Have decided to keep some words hidden inside my heart.. stash it away somewhere.. even thought i really wish i could jus say it out.. Probably once stash away.. it will never come out again. Its simply jus like giving up things.. at least still have God who truely knew my heart.. n how i feel exactly..

Alone..

Well.. had a chat with kelvin.. couple of days back.. he mention abt being lonely over here.. surviving on our own.. At least i arent so bad.. i thought so.. haha. Now startin to feel it.. same feelin i had when i step pass the gates.. had so many words hidden deep inside my heart.. jus simply wish i could jus say them all out.. somehow i chose not to. probably end up cryin on the spot. haiz...

Now weather is gettin colder.. far away frm home.. miss e family n frens' feeling. So far away.. Jus hope i could be able to spend more time with Uncle SP n family.. the feeling so nice.. warm family feeling.. the laughter, love, warmth, togetherness. Dun want to trouble them so much.. no matter how.. i still a outsider. almost had a bad accident.. could be fatal i guess. Riding on my bicycle.. travellin very fast down the steep slope.. simply slipped my mind.. tt down the road there are two trees on each side.. the road was enough only for a single car to pass thru... as i saw the tree i simply jus shifted to one side.. but the impt thing was tt surrounding the tree area was a pavement extension..

Tried slowing down but its was too late. hit n went up the pavement at a great speed.. for a moment my bike was in the air.. realise a car by heading in my direction.. quite near as well.. the next moment i thought tt it.. my bike landed.. to my surprise the bike didnt skid n fall to a side.. but instead it landed with a great impact. maange to stablise it.. the car went pass it.. at the same time.. thought its over.. realise the back brake of my bike had become very loose.. upon the impact.. no matter how hard i try to squeeze it, no effect at all.. i used the front brakes.. but due to the speed.. brakes cant really work as effective. but by God's grace... i manage to stop the bike before hitting a tree in front of me.. yupz.. time to sleep also.. rest ba..

Groceries//

haiz.. headache.. looking for foodstuff can never be so tedious. Where to get cheap fresh food.. wats easy to cook.. wats the next meal be like.. will i be able to reach to the shop in time? so many to ponder upon. Been cookin decent meals.. (same everyday).. hmm. cant believe i actually cant differentiate glutinous rice n plain rice.. bought glut rice instead.. end up havin to eat it for the wk.. sticky.. tough to convert it into fried rice.. well wat to do..

Jus now.. always collided into a tree.. cant see.. in the dark clearly... well thank God everything was fine.. jus tt the brakes of the bike need to be tightenend.. for a moment i thought tt it.. somemore e road on tt part is only for one car to pass. then there was a one car approaching my directon. getting colder each nite.. time to sleep liaoz.. late..

Valentine Poem (original 1st draft)

Wonderful & Marvelous creations of God
Ever loving, ever caring, ever gentle
Carrying a smile that warms our hearts
With beautiful and angelic voices praising the Lord
Making songs soothing and wonderful to the ears
Always filling the place with joy and laugther
Making the place warm and homely

With faithfulness serving the Lord
Providing support and help in many areas
Be it on the front or behind scenes
Always serving with humbleness and a cheerful heart
Thanks for the wonderful, delicious home made food
Thanks for travelling with us in this life journey
Thanks for the concern, encouragement and support
Thank God for putting such wonderful sister in our life
Last but not least, Happy Valentine's Day!

Shopping spree....

Walk n walk n walk n walk.. been walking ard since morning.. wat a way to exercise.. under the hot n burning sun.. practically drained now... All the walking becos i went on a shopping spree.. well its not the kind where u buy wat u like. but instead it is buyin all the bare essentials.. cooking stuff, house hold stuff.. really can kill. Prices here are like sky high.. so hard to find cheap stuff to buy. Nites n evening n early morning is gettin colder now.. brrrrr.

Also thank God for His provision n guidance. Richard really help me alot today.. thank God for him.. carryin stuff n walkling with me.. bringing me ard to diff places to get stuff. As well as givin me lotsa of advice. Also settled down liaoz.. still left couple of stuff. yet to be bought. once done. shouldnt be a problem.

Still miss lotsa of pple.. esp those close.. n all my loved ones.. as well. haiz.. feelin will be there, have to remember wat i came here for.. maybe it times to sleep... *Yawnz....*

Really wonder...

Is it better to jus speak out the things inside.. n let it be known or better to keep quiet abt it. Something tt the other person will never hear or get to know abt it. Such things always stun... no idea on whether is it better either way.Would it have make any difference if its been say out??

In my new home... meet couple of pple ard... really nice pple over here.. Got to know a guy richard, frm sg as well.. gave me lotsa of advice on living n gettin cheap stuff. Talk abt finding soul mate over here in Oz... haha.. Quite interesting both of us agreed tt now ladies in sg are gettin more materalistic.. imagine looking at newspapers sg guys have to go overseas.. to find a soul mate.. The C's ladies are after.. as well.. Well... regarding the issue of gettin attached.. put it simple.. let nature take its cse.. God allows n leads me.. well i might find one.. the same old question still bugs me alot..

Gettin late... lectures started. hard to understand the lecture.. really need lotsa of researxh to be done on my own.. gotta continue to trust in the Lord's provision n guidance. yupz.. should get some sleep liaoz.. tomolo will be a long long day. As well as super busy..

Orientation..

HMmm, orientation gettin me on my nerves.. spread over the wks.. now whole body aching like no body business.. back bone hurtin again. Going thru all the programs.. like wah.. siong n tiring.. plus all the walkin ard. Sun is still strong as it is.. sunburnt even after using the strongest sun block.

Today went to Uncle SP hse again.. had dinner with them.. manage to pass the stuff to danielle. well at least its given to her liaoz. Really thk God for this family, they been helping me alot. Offerin help in hse shifting, inviting me over to their hse for dinner n even tis sat a fishing trip. Also feel bit paiseh keep approachin them. Yes, the thing tt happened.. hmm. trains.. haiz. thought all trains have automated doors i was wrong.. coming home frm sunnybank.. waited in the cool nite finally it came.. stopped.. I was stupidly standing there waitin for the doors to open. it didnt. the person in charge there also nvr tell me.. wah.. best is the train move off left me standing there blur.

Talk to the person in charge, then realise tt the train door needs to be open by ourselves not like those in overseas. Haiz.. waited for another 20 mins in the cool nitez which has become abit too cold for me. Well lesson learnt. will not repeat it e 2nd time hhaah.. Tomolo will be rent day again.. jus hope i can sort things out with David. I really hope i can get all my bond back. 240. Jus need to confirm wat time n date i mus stay till before i can get my bond back. also pray hard tt it will be smooth n easy.. with no problems or anything. Gettin late n feelin tired as well. time to sleep. liaoz.. =)

Ice cappucino...

Days went by so fast.. next starting lessons.. already.. going to shift hse soon also... wah.. An ice cappucino on a hot day and tired day.. such a enjoyment.. somehow didnt seems strong enouf to keep me awake. Things seems to be settling down.. well. the acid test comes next wk. Feel like workin part time. should i?? Today is really sweaty n tiring day... rush here n there.. jus to get things done.. gettin a permanent phone line also so jialat.. waited for hr plus.. to the extent of falling asleep on the chair.. cant believe it.

Ladies is so hard to understand at times.. or is it jus me.. DUn even know how to ask n find out wat happened... one moment frenly then the next moment very hostile.. did i do something wrong.. maybe i did.. SHowing concern as a fren also seems so hard.. haiz..

Feelings, emotions.

Would it be better to say out wat my feelings are... i really dunno.. Really wanted to jus let her noe.. tt i could feel how wat she going thru at e moment.. to a certain extent.. but would it be worst or understandable.. I dunno.. my typin in words seems very harsh.. but tt isnt wat i want it to be.. jus dunno how.. to write it out.. It really hurts alot.. i really does..

Wish i had done.. better. Insensitive person i am.... jus hope i didnt make matters worst at tis pt of time.. its time to sleep liao.. but would i be able to sleep... worries are still there as well as the hurt n pain..

ahhhh..

Finally get to know wat had happen.. still very worried for her.. basically she is better... wonderin if my words are too harsh.. when i didnt mean to be.. haiz.. will continue to pray for her n the person involve.. jus hope tt she is not angry with me..

Wat have i done.. wat have i done.. wat have i done.. ???

well.. today is over liaoz.. things cant get any better i guess.. dun think tonite can sleep well again. Tomolo meeting with Grace is cancelled.. well its not the end of the world.. The big thing is something serious seems to have happened. Basically she alrite.. but somehow its involves other pple as well.. Very worried.. for her.. she seems very badly affected by the incident.. still dunno wat exactly happened..

Really pray tt she will remain strong n be able to pull thru.. trusting in the Lord.. Leavin for msia on friday.. with tis matter in mind.. find it hard.. worrying.. still. Other things in my mind as well.. so fast coming is 13th feb. I dunno how am i feeling.. Bought a bk by joshua harris.. part 2.. hope my question can be answered.. "selfish" question.. Other things as well... kept inside.. dun know whether can mentioned or jus stored hmmm.. possible tt bnol?? DMOL.. feeling quite down.. worries, worries, worries..

Feeling very sad.. n down.. y i wonder. The big "WHY". Maybe its becos of tt.... probably.. i guess.... haiz..

visits...

Today, went back to my camp to visit colleages n frens.. Been a long time since i step into mindef again.. the fun n better times flooded into my mind.. like i said.. would miss the pple n place.. but not the work there.. its nice to be able to see them again. Not much hav change.. only thing is tt many pple r ording liaoz.. finally their time have come.. still there are those.. who jus enter not long.. well they should be thankful tt its been cut short..

had a short chat with one of my officers.. he mention tt catch up with frens.. now.. cause going over there.. things will change.. probably lost contact with lotsa of pple.. everyone has moved on.. so much changes.. moment u are back. U feel like a total stranger... totally blur.. feelin is like u are intruding into other pple privacy like tt. then everything will be back from scratch again... dunno will see.. when the time comes. =)

Some Happier Moments

Isn't it like a dream.... thought of going overseas to study.. Nvr really thought it will happen.. been thinking abt it... quite long back.. in the end jus push it to one side.. (something tt will nvr happen). Looking now... its so near... the dream coming thru.. remember the song.. "leaving on a jet plane"

I'm leaving on a jet plane..
dunno when i'll be back again...

sounds real.. haha. in a dream state now.. yesterday couldnt sleep.. now stoned.. haha. tonite.. another nite of sleepless?? Wait n see. =)

Painful.....

Got so much things to write huh.. haiz. Yesterday eveyrthing was fine. when reach home... suddenly condition seems flaring up.. but didnt realise it. Hungry so went down with bro for supper.. things really got bad after tt.. couldnt sleep for the whole nite.. wat happen did i eat something wrong or ?? i jus cant understand. It happened so quickly... whole nite was so uncomfortable.. itch unbearable.. today.. haiz.. gettin stares frm pple am i a exhibit?? failin in my project.. now tryin to salvage the situation. Dun have the skill, n equipment tts y.. haiz..

Its was a very painful bathe, the wounds hurt... e pain was unbearable to the pt. where tears start to flow... Jus cant help but wonder when will tis stop.. Could see the hurt, frustrations in my parents... becos of my sickness. Somehow its seems like i am a mental burden to them.... becos of my condition.. mom refuse to let me help her in hse chores... now. Somehow feel so useless, everything cannot do.. only sit ard.. do mu stuff, watch mom toil.. She's already comin to 50.. If only this illness of my can be cured.. No one in the family suffers frm it.. jus me, freak case... practically everyday is a painful day..

The pain that often frustrates...
To the point of extremes at times...
Complaints, anger and irritation....
Release come in form of many...
To questioning God....
Even to cursing God at times...
But who has felt the pain...
Of the One who was hang on the cross...
For the all our sins...
The thing He say was "Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."

Memories..

Was packing to my stuff.. tis morning.. rummaging thru the letters... wah.. i got one box full of them.. somehow have to clear up. Brings back lotsa of memory.. of pri n sch.. interest.. seems like my pri memories are much sweeter n better then sec. Hmmm seems like sec sch is troubled yrs.. regrets, hurts, pain, fun, joy.. pple say sec yrs are the best.. maybe. Not much good memories it seems.. more like hurting other pple.. haiz. its over liaoz.. sometimes jus wish i could make amends to what had happen...

Something which has been in my heart for a long time.. one of regrets in my life. If only time can be turn back.. had a auntie, i was yer favourite. She would bring me ard.. buy things for me.. play n keep me company.. Its then news tt she was suffering frm cancer reach my ears.. young i was didnt realise the seriousness of e matter. Frm then seldom get to see her. as she was in malaysia for treatment. When she back in sg, didnt reallly bother to visit her. One day.. was havin slight fever.. parents say they going to visit her.. but i didnt giving the excuse tt i was tired.. fact is tt i already recover jus wanted to stay at home n do my own stuff. I really regret doing tt.. next time rd news came she passed away..

I was totally shock at the news.. i didnt get to see her the last time... my auntie wanted to see me.. but i jus didnt care.. if only i had went tt day.. if only. No words to describe wats inside.. i still feel it till now.. haiz. shall stop here, dunno whether will start cryin or not.. if continue..

Rush hr...

Y rush hr.. look now its already 25th.. liaoz.. how many more days to go.. ?? 20 more to go.. including today.. minus the time i wont be in sg.. its 13 more... time zooms so fast. Wat are the feelings inside me.. i really dunno how exactly i feel. But the feeling is already almost at my door step. Now is really a rush... for me. tomolo.. need to start clearin my closet up.. for cny n studies, hs moving.. all in a short. the project.. hope i can finish it up.. really turning to God for help in tis.. really want to complete it.. something which i really wish to complete...

Leaving for malaysia next wk.. somehow jus wish i could jus stay in sg.. for cny tis year. haiz.. i dunno, startin to feel sad.. as the day draws nearer.. n excited as well.. such a rojak feeling.

TUESDAY WITH MORRIE...

Something tt capture me.. didnt really look closely at it.. well.. somehow jus read the chap. again.. then saw it. Below are the words:

"Morrie approach was exactly opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It wont hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "alright, it's just fear, I dont have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."

In some ways, its better then numbing myself, lettin it run through, definitely will know wat it is for.. but in the end.. upon realising it.. do watever its needed.. n move on, its definitely not rite to be stuck there all the time.. move on..

another part.. tt comes before the above one..

"How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we dont let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we dont say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship."

Doesnt the above sounds familiar to a certain extent.. it does. Guys how often do we cry.. or to the pt of cryin but somehow we jus dont let tears come at all.. pride.. rather bleed then cry.. i really wonder who come out with tis.. even we guys need a time to cry.. but not openly where no one knows..

Relationships.. the words tt doesnt come out at all. So much push away.. n stack upon one another in the corner somewhere inside... wats its all abt.. unable to say out the words.. selfish, no confidence, or simply fear of rejection or to the pt of losing a frenship... so many possible ans. Everyone face it too (male, female). yupz... mind is full of stuff.. -_-"" does it really get lighter wheni write more stuff out.. haha.. i wonder..??

sat nitez dream...

sat nitez.. have this very strange dream. Quite a emotional nite for me.. dunno how many nitez.. barely sleep.. even after taking pills tt will cause drowsiness. Back to the dream...

Scene on a train....
Its a train to heaven... with some frens... was on the train moving towards the destination.. Excited with the fact to be able to see God.. somehow was wondering if tis was the end.. wat abt the rest of my bro and sis... so will i stay uo there permanently.. these kind of thoughts jus run through..

Finally reach there liaoz.. went in search for God.... Well.. it turn out to be like a tea session with God.. after a while manage to reach e place.. suddenly i was holding a very thick book.. dunno where it came from.. somehow it never dawn on me to drop or put e book away.. i saw a middle age lady. immediately, i run up to her n sit down.. on a chair available. "weizhi??" come with a surprise look on the lady face.. "How could you have time to have tea with God..?" "You still holdin the thick book refusing to put it away.." "Go finish e book first?" Rite at the moment i was stunned n wanted to open my mouth.. the lady said these words with sadness "You are always so busy with stuff, no time for God..." "Jus no time for Him".. The next moment tears start to fall.. i jus simply cried.. Its was so real...

It simply speak for itself.. wat is happening. This is a first time i had such a dream.. it seems like a awakening call to me.. yupz..

Pressin on still..

Pressing on still.. hope i will perserve on.. Today, seems like e test come almost immediately.. after late last nite.. i mention i didnt want to numb myself. Given this opportunity.. all i know is lettin it run thru.. is really painful feeling, still running its course. still holding on to God... in tis area.. Press on... hope i wont dwell on the thoughts again... wish it will just disappear. Its a stupid thing.. for me to do... jia you ba..

The pain....

Dear Lord, u are all knowing God.. everloving Father.... You jus know n see everything in my heart.. everything.. Lord, everything.... Lord u know the pain tt is inside my heart.. the cause of it, y do i feel this way... the way i am.. the way i behave... You know it.. Lord, i commit the pain in my heart.. into your hands.. the pain that tears me apart.. tt cause me to cry... to fall apart..

Lord, i really dun want to numb myself anymore.. instead enable me to let it run thru.. n not push it away n hide in my heart again Lord.. if i numb myself.. the likely hood of me numbing to u is also very high. Lord, teach me to turn to you.. in times of good n bad..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Father, i can't explain this kind of love, this kind of grace..
I know...I still break your heart and yet You run to welcome me.."

"Father, i love the way You hold me close and said my name..
I know.. when my life is through, my heart will find its home in you"

You have always been faithful, now n forever...

"Certain as the river reach the sea....
Certain as the sun rise in the east...
I can rest in your faithfulness..
Surer than a mother's tender love
Surer than the stars that still shine above..."

Indeed Lord, surely you deserve all our utmost attention, praise, gratitude as well.. but someone i dun seem to be able to do it.. but yet u remain faithful, believing in me.. protecting me, giving me chance after chance.. I am sorry Lord, i am really sorry for all tt i have done.. all the pain tt i have cause to You to feel n go through each time i disobey u.. i am sorry.. Lord.